Adult daughter abusive again. Finally had enough

[BeingMeFinallySlowly]

I have 3 children 2 daughters and a son. The eldest has mostly for the last 15 years played a victim and has a sense of entitlement. Has every mental health and neurodivergent going and none diagnosed.
Two of her 4 children are in foster care and I see them regular. They are settled in a family fc home with 2 other children. Been with this placement 3 years.
I've always faught her corner and social services but recently it's clicked they are really lucky and settled . So i lick nack andnjust be grandma instead of 15 years of advocate, protector and privider and ive paid thousands in debts and got my self in debts.
Cried an ocean of tears.
Took her manipulation and abuse for 15 years. In-between the abuse she can be nice but no way able to parent 😔 sadly. She talks to her fiance like poo and did her ex too and the 1 before that.
She never hurts her toe, all 5 toes will be broken, she won't have a headache she'll want a sitter for a mograine, she's not tired she's got undiagnosed chronic fatigue.
The list is endless and recently a fire of abuse again after I've constantly been there. This time it's all my fault and no accountability at all. Shes 39 ! Always chooses lads in their 20s as someone her age would tell her to do one when she screams at them.
I'm 62 and had enough aibu. She's been saying all the things the courts ordered her to do I need todo because I need it more than her and I'm living in denial.
For me I said sorry if you feel hurt but it's not enough. She's call me narcissistic. I don't want to go into a new year listening to her crap to be honest. One day she will need to pull up her big knickers take responsibility and grow up. Live within her means and stop blaming the world.
I've allowed this I know. I take accountability for some but need it to stop. She has supervised access but wants me to help her get unsupervised. Her sons are 14 and 11. Dear souls who play footy with their foster family and love books.
I feel guilty feeling this way but totally had enough. I'm to the point of simply be a nanny amd encourage the home placement and take a complete step back.

Does she live with you?

Prioritise your grandchildren and do what’s right by them.

She has legal cannabis for pain which she smokes. Her pain tolerance is low and temper very quick.
She can be amazing and I for years have said she will get there.
Used to drink a lot doesnt now.

No about half hour drive away.

Apologising she "feels" that way is not acknowledgement or taking accountability. It's basically saying you feel that way but I won't actually admit to doing anything wrong. I do know families where there has been abuse and neglect and even as adults not all of the children will confront what happened. Children can also have very different experiences in the same family.

They absolutely can your right. I did in my own different to my sisters. My post meant she won't take any accountability.
Yes I have said sorry L..
I never put a but. I say I love you proud of you and actually, im not anymore because I will always love her yet I am so drained.

Be the anchor for your grandchildren. Compartmentalise the actions of your toxic daughter and mentally set yourself apart from the abuse.
Do not register /recognise her bad behaviour like with a toddler. But just focus on being the best for your other children and grandchildren.

Its hard but you have to mentally divorce yourself from her tantrums and don't be manipulated.. Remember NO is a complete sentence.

I don't think you get 'legal cannabis' in the U.K.? It's still a class A drug I think, it's just so prevalent that the police don't tend to do much. I hope she is smoking it outside and not round the children.

I think I'd prob contact social work with my concerns and to tell them I'd been supporting her but due to ill health I will be stepping back for a few weeks and I have concerns about how she will manage during this time.

Then step back and tell her you're feeling exhausted and need to rest more. And do that. Don't cave. She wouldn't for you. And if she goes off on one about how you "never help her" or "are just lazy", tell her "that's bad manners and I won't be spoken to like that" and hang up on her.

💐

This whole situation sounds very familiar. DS is adopted and has sporadic contact with birth family. All other siblings in foster care. Birth mum is 40 going on 12, no responsibility for anything or anyone, her own mum has gone NC with her.

The last conversation I had with birth mum was that she was going to get all the other siblings back with her. My DS said afterwards, I hope she doesn't, they are having a good life, it's not fair to them.

I have a lot of sympathy for you, this is your daughter and your grandchildren and in an ideal world you would all be together and that is what you have been trying to achieve.

But this isn't your problem to solve. Be the best nan you can to your grandchildren. Make sure they know where you are and that you love them and care for them. Your daughter is paddling her own canoe, so let her get on with it.

Yes you get it on a private prescription once you applied for and have a cancard and then you show the police the cancard.
The process was easy for her and relatively straightforward.
Yes the rest made complete sense thank you

Thank you for sharing as it helps me realise I am not alone.
It's nearly 2025 so I feel able to not carry on the way it has been.

I think I'd prob contact social work with my concerns and to tell them I'd been supporting her but due to ill health I will be stepping back for a few weeks and I have concerns about how she will manage during this time.

I think that's a really good idea. SS will be aware that you are normally in her life and might see you as some form of support. If they know you've withdrawn, they'll be minded to check on how she's coping.

Personally @BeingMeFinallySlowly i think you need to shift your focus to the children and be their advocate.

they need you more. The deserve someone in their family who puts their needs above their mothers.

you have tried everything you can for your child and now they have to standby on their own two feet. You can still love them and have contact (maybe) without bending to every new crisis and problem.

I am related to someone similar and I adore them but I can’t be there for them without detrimental affects to me so I don’t now and whilst it is sometimes heartbreaking it was in different ways before but now I don’t feel like I’m going to melt with the stress crushing me. This relatives child is a looked after child too. They thrive now (considering the circumstances) but it would have been a very different picture had they been with their parent.

good luck @BeingMeFinallySlowly