Or are my two best friends being awful to me?

[lonelyfriend]

I have two best friends, let’s call them Kayla and Sophia. I met both at uni, and we were really close for years. Over time, Kayla and Sophia drifted apart but stayed polite and friendly when they see each other. Now that we’re in our early 30s, it feels like both of them are being pretty crappy friends. Or am I just expecting too much?

We’re all very different people. I’m not interested in getting married or having kids anytime soon. I’ve got a boyfriend, and we’re both focused on our careers and love traveling. We usually do 5–7 budget friendly trips a year (cheap flights and hotels), which lets us see more places. We split everything 50/50, which works perfectly for us.

Kayla

Kayla was never super career focused at uni. She always said her dream was to find love, have kids, and work in a job with a good work life balance. A few years after we graduated, she met a guy who’s about 10 years older, very successful, and from a wealthy family. He’s set to inherit a multimillion-pound business and already earns a high salary working for it. From what I’ve seen and heard, he’s kind, funny, and really loves her. They got married quickly and now have two kids.

These days, though, Kayla is always making comments that get on my nerves. If I mention that my boyfriend and I split costs, she’ll say stuff like, “He makes you go 50/50? He’s supposed to be… the man… no?” Or if we’re chatting about skincare, she’ll go, “Be careful in the sun, it ages you. Beauty is our most important asset as women!”

She also completely brushes off anything nice I say about my boyfriend. For example, i said that I generally find it attractive when a man is good at DIY, she laughed and said, “Better yet, if he earned more, he could hire the best professionals.” At Christmas, I mentioned I’d rather go on holiday with my boyfriend (splitting the cost) than get a fancy gift, and she basically said, “If you act like you don’t need anything, you’ll never get anything. You need to motivate him to give you more.”

Her whole vibe is that a man’s worth is based on how much he provides, women should use their looks to marry rich, and women who work or don’t want kids are just weird and will end up miserable because we’re biologically programmed to seek out a mate who can provide so we raise kids and look after the home, not slave away.

Sophia

Sophia is a different story, she feels like she’s always trying to one-up me. She’ll make comments in front of my boyfriend like, “Aww, how come you two aren’t married yet?” even though she knows I don’t want to get married. Before we moved in together, she’d constantly say, “It’s funny you two don’t live together,” even though we had personal reasons for waiting.

It’s the same with work. I have a good job and I’m happy, but I’m not chasing big promotions or massive paychecks. Sophia won’t stop with stuff like, “I just got a promotion, why don’t you move somewhere you could earn more?” or “Don’t you want to work for a bigger company with more opportunities?” It always feels like she’s trying to prove she’s better than me.

Am I Overthinking?

Am I expecting too much from them? Or are they just being weird? I’m starting to feel like I’m losing both of my best friends, and it’s hard because I don’t have many other close friends. How do I handle this?

I think you're overthinking, I'd just laugh at Kayla's comments, I'd she wants to live like that let her crack on
And for Sophia, when she says those things surely the answer is, mate, I've told you countless times I don't care about that, why do you keep trying to put me down?

I'd check first your perception of the things they've said - did they both really say the things you've quoted?

If yes, then they are pretty awful whether you've stuff in common or not, because everything they say is literally judgemental and criticises you directly for no reason other than a difference of opinion.

But like a few others have said here, some of the things sound a bit unlikely. Maybe you've embellished their words in your head as you stew over it all?

Ps I also question why you'd even call them best friends, to be honest.

No, they don’t sound like they’re being awful to you. Kayla sounds shallow and Sophia a bit insensitive but I bet if they reviewed every conversation you’d had with them over the last couple of decades they could pick out a few less than lovely ones from you too.

It sounds like you all have different priorities now. Time to let them go. You’ll waste time contacting them and waste brain space evaluated your meet ups with them that could instead be focused on other existing friends and meeting new people. There’s no rule book for living that says people have to stay in your life forever.

Just because you've known them a long time doesn't mean you need to maintain the relationship forever. You were good friends at a point in your lives, that was special at the time. All of your lives have moved on now, and moved in different directions, and with different values. Set yourself free from the stress and burden. You don't need to impose a dramatic break up with these women, just don't prioritise them, turn down invitations (you don't need an excuse), and you'll find the friendship very quickly fizzles into a "birthday/Christmas greeting" sort of thing.
Work towards finding friends that you share values with.

Sounds like you've drifted. The only thing I can say in Sophias defence is that it seems odd to me that you're "focusing on your career" but not chasing promotion or other opportunities. I'd be too polite to say it to your face but perhaps she/they are just wondering if you're really happy or a lottle adrift.

Being objective because you've posted this, it does seem like you're a little rudderless... not moving forward to marriage or kids even though you say you want that stuff (just not "anytime soon") and you aren't actually focused on achieving more in your career even though you say that career and travelling are your focus.

Its completely fine to plan to not have a plan or to just want to travel amd wing it, but I wonder if they just think you're being strung along as you don't come across in your post as a driving force who is committed to your choices as actual choices - perhaps it comes across like you're settling for what your boyfriend wants and, while time is on your side, it really isn't if you aren't making plans and a timeline.

They both sound like tedious arseholes.

Your lives have all moved in different directions, you don’t have common ground anymore, and they’re too rude and short sighted to see that your way of living is just as valid and meaningful as theirs. It’s sad but it does happen with old friends sometimes.

It sounds like you don't have anything in common with them any more. Different values and different lives. I'd probably just let the friendships fade out. No need to fall out, just don't make the effort to keep up the friendships and get on with your life. You don't need their approval for your lifestyle and they don't need yours.

Some friends are for a reason and some are for a season. These were seasonal. You have grown up and apart, the frontal lobe is developing till you’re around 28.

They both sound very narcissistic. Not real mates

You used to like these women but nowadays you don’t enjoy their company. Let them go and find some friends you get on with better.

If someone makes you feel consistently bad, why have them in your life? You're punishing yourself. I'm a one chance and it's done kind of woman, so I would explain that you don't like it when they speak that way. If they do it again cut them off. It may be they don't realise how it's making you feel right? They'll be mortified. But I doubt it. Tell them....then say goodbye if they don't again.

I could easily have friends with the same values as Kayla and Sophia even though they are not my values, what I couldn’t be dealing with is direct criticism/comparisons and intentional put downs. To me they are a sign of deep insecurities and I have no time for people who behave that way instead of working on themselves.

Even though I'm married with a child, these are not the sort of people I'd be interested in pursuing a friendship with. From what you say, you have little in common other than a shared history.
I do have friends from school but we have never been the sort of people who saw getting a man/getting married as a necessary achievement, and feel that we are all capable women.
I think you need new friends, OP.

Why are you friends with two such awful women? Let them go now, remember the past with affection and don't mix with them anymore.

They might be old uni friends but they certainly shouldn't be consider your best friends? I really hope you have some other more real friends too!

They're not your friends they're your self appointed rivals. You serve only as a means by which they can present themselves as winners at life by comparison with you. Also sounds like they both protest too much, Kayla in particular seems to be walking a tough road in trying to keep her rich older man happy, and believing that rests on her appearance.
I couldn't be doing with a friendship dynamic like that and would be consigning them both and their very obvious insecurities to the edges of my circle. Perhaps in years to come they'll settle and be more confident in their choices, and then their need to do this will pass, and you'll get your old friends back.

They don’t sound like real people, especially Kayla.

I’m probably most similar to Kayla in terms of wanting a family and job that gives me a good work.life balance but those comments from her are so weird.

Think you are mixing up ‘best friend’ with ‘people I’ve known for a very long time’.

These two are barely friends, let alone the ‘best’ variety. Time to fade them out and find non-judgmental mates who support and respect your choices.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the language in that statement. What do you think is the problem with it?

Your first friend doesn't sound so great. But she also sounds heavily dependant on her husband and probably by default, is a bit trapped. If she's not as happy as she portrays, she may be trying to convince herself that her set up is preferable to your, more equal, partnership. It depends what other qualities she has. If they are redeeming enough to outweigh the negative ones?

The second friend, it's hard to say. I find career orientated people just view work and career differently and always seem to be pushing themselves (and others) to do more, get more money, seek more opportunities. It's hard to say if she's trying to one-up you, or just assumes everyone is as goal oriented as her and so trying to push you though. The marriage comment, I guess it depends how often she's said it. It's not an uncommon thing for people to comment on. Again, it depends what other redeeming characteristics she has as to whether or not she's worth being friends with.

No friend is perfect, but overall friendships should be made up of more good than bad, so if you find the balance has swung too far to the negative, focus your efforts on those friends who provide you with more positives. You've only mentioned the bad in this post so it's hard to say if the good outweighs the bad.

@Tricho I agree I’ve also never known a grown woman to say that like she’s in some kind of film. 😂