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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

nana help needed

37 replies

confusednana · 29/12/2024 12:34

I need help on what to do. I have been fortunate this year to become a nana to 2 beautiful babies. 1 is my husbands, sons child (my SS) the other is my own DD's child. I lives about an hours drive away the other just round the corner and both couples are working and married and have their own homes.

My husband and I both work full time, 24/7 shifts and time off together is rare for us and we are trying so hard to be there for both grandchildren.

I set of parents have made the decision to not have their child appear on any form of social media platform and the other set of parents post their child daily (neither is wrong).

The older child is being weened from baby food pouches and the other is being 'baby led' again both supported. The older childs parents have been advised to start giving theirs proper food, but its not being taken well, but again their decision we cater for both.

We are heavily involved in my DD's child as they live local to us, and my DD or my SIL drop in regularly with GC2, and we often go for walks, do stuff etc.. (DD is still on maternity leave but has her own cottage industry and may yet not refturn to work at all). Its more difficult for us to see GC1 as mum had to go back to work early and SS works shifts.

I'm sorry this is long winded, I am trying to not leave anything out. To see GC1 we have to ask, have to provide our shifts for the month and have to sit an wait until we receive a date where they need help. With GC2 its simpler, a text or phone call asking if we are in, or if we are free on such and such date.

I'm exhausted now, trying so hard to treat the 2 families the same. But nothing I do for GC1 is every good enough. I guess technically I am the MIL (although SS and his partner are not married).

So for example, GC1 turned 1 recently and a big party was planned, we offered help, and everytime we (both my husband and I) offered help.. cash, actual manual labour, we were left 'unread' (we were told what to buy as a gift), until we had no choice but to simply turn up to the event, gifts in hand, enjoy the party and then leave.. for the social media post to then appear, depicting this amazing day, showing how much hard work had been put in by the couple and her parents and thanking them for all their hard work.

Yes, I sound jealous. But we wanted to help, offered to help but were effectively 'ghosted'. Christmas, we were so blessed to have all the family together at our house, and the tension was awful. Nothing we did seemed to be right! We bought the gift we were told to buy, but because we dont have a lot of room GC1 couldn't use the gift, and the parting comment before they left was 'we didn't get any photos'.. almost like it meant the day didn't happen?

I just don't know what to do anymore.. do i keep trying, or AIBU to just just step back?

OP posts:
ThirdStorm · 29/12/2024 12:42

Maybe her mother is doing what your doing for your daughter? Do they live closer like you do to yours? Try not to be disheartened. How wonderful having two GCs!

Weyohweyoh · 29/12/2024 12:46

Just carry on offering to help, leave the door open so they know you’re there if they need you. If they choose not to engage, there’s not much you can do but I wouldn’t withdraw. Just leave the ball in their court.

MinnieBalloon · 29/12/2024 12:51

YABU. They didn’t want your help, and that’s okay.

I don’t want MILs help. She likes to think she’s being helpful, but she isn’t. I’m not going to “let her help” just to make her feel better when the reality is that it just creates more work for me or I don’t like the way she does things.

So now I don’t accept any “help” and when she comes over she just enjoys her grandchildren.

You were invited and included. Be grateful and enjoy it.

ThinWomansBrain · 29/12/2024 12:58

sod providing your work shifts a month in advance - and presumably you're keeping your time free on the offchance they request help.

they are different people, different families - there is no reason both will act/want the same things - but they both need to treat you and your time with respect.
That's not to say SS family need to accept the help offered, but don't let them treat you as a doormat either.

YesExactlyYes · 29/12/2024 13:02

To see GC1 we have to ask, have to provide our shifts for the month

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

Who on earth do they think they are

Original poster
confusednana · 29/12/2024 13:03

ThinWomansBrain · 29/12/2024 12:58

sod providing your work shifts a month in advance - and presumably you're keeping your time free on the offchance they request help.

they are different people, different families - there is no reason both will act/want the same things - but they both need to treat you and your time with respect.
That's not to say SS family need to accept the help offered, but don't let them treat you as a doormat either.

because of mine and my DH's work patterns, we actually only had 3 days off together in November! and yes we did 'ring fence' those dates just in case we were needed.

I just want to be a good grandparent, and i wanted to be fair, but it seems this isn't going to be the case, through no one fault, its just how it is and because i am an overthinkier i need to get it into my head that its ok!

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 29/12/2024 13:06

Just step back your help is not wanted.

They've made it obvious by their actions.

Whatwouldnanado · 29/12/2024 13:08

This must be difficult, especially while the children are so young. How about smiling annd and doing as you like, concentrate on your own interests in your spare time. They are lucky to have you but it Won’t do them any harm if you are busy sometimes when/if they need you. As the kids get older look forward to organising events you can take them both to - cinema, picnics etc with no expectation of the parents coming along so they can have a break. The kids will go where the peace and fun is.

MontyNojangles · 29/12/2024 13:16

My granny used to say "A son will be a son until he takes a wife, a daughter will be a daughter for all of her life".

It's disheartening but sometimes true. DIL is closer to her own mum and therefore your SS will follow.
You can keep offering the help, but don't be surprised if it's a no.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2024 13:34

Just try to see SS and family socially. Don't worry about what help is given to both. It's impossible to be 'fair'

MinnieBalloon · 29/12/2024 13:44

confusednana · 29/12/2024 13:03

because of mine and my DH's work patterns, we actually only had 3 days off together in November! and yes we did 'ring fence' those dates just in case we were needed.

I just want to be a good grandparent, and i wanted to be fair, but it seems this isn't going to be the case, through no one fault, its just how it is and because i am an overthinkier i need to get it into my head that its ok!

Show quote history

Being a good grandparent means listening to the parents, not overriding what they want because you think it should be different.

They don’t want your help.

AngelinaFibres · 29/12/2024 13:46

The thing is Op ( and I'm absolutely not speaking from a judgemental POV as I am the mother of 2 adults sons with wives so I do understand) you arent SS mother and you aren't DILs MIL. She has a mum who will , sadly , always be far more involved than you. Presumably he has a mum also. You are very much third stream in this as the wife of SS dad. The best thing you can do is enjoy the social aspects that they are inviting you to.Play the long game. Offer help now and then ,if it suits you, with no expectation that it will be wanted. Focus on your life with your husband. Your work like balance us horrendous. That needs urgent attention.

JimHalpertsWife · 29/12/2024 13:51

When you say you provide your shifts for the month, do you actually both send the shifts? Or do you (more sensibly) say "these are the dates we are both off"?

Maybe making arrangements with two adults who work varying shifts is just challenging, so they think this is the simplest way to see when you are both free?

Maybe they don't want help. Maybe they are happy doing what they do, and visits with you/dh are more for catch ups together?

Do you communicate with your ss's partner? Or the ss? Maybe if you are trying to deal with her she's annoyed that she's having to manage the contact across all the various grandparents?

Original poster
confusednana · 29/12/2024 15:40

AngelinaFibres · 29/12/2024 13:46

The thing is Op ( and I'm absolutely not speaking from a judgemental POV as I am the mother of 2 adults sons with wives so I do understand) you arent SS mother and you aren't DILs MIL. She has a mum who will , sadly , always be far more involved than you. Presumably he has a mum also. You are very much third stream in this as the wife of SS dad. The best thing you can do is enjoy the social aspects that they are inviting you to.Play the long game. Offer help now and then ,if it suits you, with no expectation that it will be wanted. Focus on your life with your husband. Your work like balance us horrendous. That needs urgent attention.

You are absolutely right. In all honesty I think its a me problem rather than a them one. i have a habit of 'taking on' stuff, which sometimes isn't really mine to pick up.

I like your advice, and my DH and I are already making plans to improve our work/life balance.

I think its just me, desperately trying to please everyone, and forgetting the most important person in all of it and thats me!

OP posts:
Original poster
confusednana · 29/12/2024 15:42

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2024 13:34

Just try to see SS and family socially. Don't worry about what help is given to both. It's impossible to be 'fair'

i love the name! and yes, it seems I've been trying too hard!

OP posts:
MinnieBalloon · 29/12/2024 17:48

confusednana · 29/12/2024 15:40

You are absolutely right. In all honesty I think its a me problem rather than a them one. i have a habit of 'taking on' stuff, which sometimes isn't really mine to pick up.

I like your advice, and my DH and I are already making plans to improve our work/life balance.

I think its just me, desperately trying to please everyone, and forgetting the most important person in all of it and thats me!

Show quote history

But you’re not “desperately trying to please everyone” when you’re repeatedly trying to get them to accept help they don’t want.

You’re only thinking about you, and how that makes you feel (good if they accept, bad if they don’t).

You certainly aren’t trying too hard - you’re just not listening.

Original poster
confusednana · 29/12/2024 18:14

MinnieBalloon · 29/12/2024 17:48

But you’re not “desperately trying to please everyone” when you’re repeatedly trying to get them to accept help they don’t want.

You’re only thinking about you, and how that makes you feel (good if they accept, bad if they don’t).

You certainly aren’t trying too hard - you’re just not listening.

Edited
Show quote history

i'm not sure how me sending our rota's after being asked for them, and then sitting waiting for a reply while putting our life on hold just in case they want something is me not listening?

but, i am taking on board everyones comments, and yes it does seem, that they don't want us to be as involved with GC1 as i am with GC2. and i have to accept that its ok! so yes, in that respect i wasn't listening.. but i will from now on.

OP posts:
cartagenagina · 29/12/2024 18:21

Is DSS mother involved in his life? Does this GC have three or more sets of grandparents?

I think you need to take a big step back and try not to take it personally.

SnowdaySewday · 29/12/2024 18:38

Step-DIL's first port of call will be to her own DM, just as your DD's is to you. The two sets of parents don’t want the same things from you as your relationships are different. Just be sure you are not favouring one child/ family over the other in what you give (presents) or offer, whether or not the offer is accepted.

Original poster
confusednana · 30/12/2024 14:13

cartagenagina · 29/12/2024 18:21

Is DSS mother involved in his life? Does this GC have three or more sets of grandparents?

I think you need to take a big step back and try not to take it personally.

Bio mum is not on the scene. its complicated further by there being my DH's previous wife whom they all consider to be their 'mum', but she's also not really on the scene anymore either. GC has 2 grandparents on her side, and on our side has Bio Grandad, and technically 2 step grandmothers!

you are right, i do need to step back, but i have been doing this for so long now, its going to take some doing and i know for a fact i'll be the one blamed when their the contact breaks down between SS and his dad!

OP posts:
DivineHour · 30/12/2024 14:18

I think you’re creating problems where none exist by deciding you need to treat two different families, with completely different needs, exactly the same. It’s perfectly possible to just attend a baby’s party without having to labour for hours over it! You offered, they didn’t need your help. Just enjoy your grandchildren! You don’t need to ‘earn’ viewings!

Original poster
confusednana · 30/12/2024 14:23

SnowdaySewday · 29/12/2024 18:38

Step-DIL's first port of call will be to her own DM, just as your DD's is to you. The two sets of parents don’t want the same things from you as your relationships are different. Just be sure you are not favouring one child/ family over the other in what you give (presents) or offer, whether or not the offer is accepted.

I am not intentionally favouring one GC over another. They both receive the same level of gifts etc. Its more a time issue, my DD is local, pops in, and also invites us to join them for social events. SS tends to want to use us for childcare (which is why they want our rota's, so they can manage their own childcare shortfalls). they don't ever invite us over to theirs, and its always me inviting and organising social get togethers to enable us to see GC.

If I am honest, DH is as much to blame as they are for this weird relationship he has with his kids. They only communicate via messenger, in a group chat. We only see pictures of the GC on social media, or if i specifially ask for a photo. It's always me doing the work and the chasing and the organising.

I don't know how i have ended up in this situation, DH (who i love dearly) seems to think its my job to arrange everything, and his DS's also seem to think its down to me to do all the arranging! But 2025 is going to be different, I know i am sacrificing a relationship with GC, but this needs to stop, they are all adults and capable of managing their own relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusednana · 30/12/2024 14:26

DivineHour · 30/12/2024 14:18

I think you’re creating problems where none exist by deciding you need to treat two different families, with completely different needs, exactly the same. It’s perfectly possible to just attend a baby’s party without having to labour for hours over it! You offered, they didn’t need your help. Just enjoy your grandchildren! You don’t need to ‘earn’ viewings!

i agree! I have always felt that i had to be everything to everyone so everyone feels like they are not being favoured, and its simply not possible because as you say both sets of parents have different needs.

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 30/12/2024 14:27

Match your dhs energy on this. Foster the relationships on your side. If they want more from you and dh, they can ask.

In future, leave it to dh to send rotas/arrange childcare with them which surely he can just do as and when on his days off? He doesn't need you there too.

moonmaker93 · 30/12/2024 14:38

Who is your issue with: the SS, his partner, or both? I ask as I think it would be unfair to put it on SS's partner. She might not feel close enough to you to ask for help, but of course she will be with her own parents. That was probably sufficient for her. And perhaps she also didn't want to put you out as you live further away. I don't approach my MIL for help - I go to my own parents. I leave it up to DH if he wants to enlist his own mother's help. It's not because I don't like MIL; it's just natural I think. SS might also worry about putting you out as you live further away. It sounds like you're more involved with GC2 though, which DD's grandparents may very well be jealous of too. Wink Swings and roundabouts. I think it would be cutting off your nose to spite your face to back off if I'm honest. Just offer the help but don't expect it to be taken. A genuine offer of help should be out of the goodness of your own heart and not for what you get out of it anyway.