nana help needed

[confusednana]

I need help on what to do. I have been fortunate this year to become a nana to 2 beautiful babies. 1 is my husbands, sons child (my SS) the other is my own DD's child. I lives about an hours drive away the other just round the corner and both couples are working and married and have their own homes.

My husband and I both work full time, 24/7 shifts and time off together is rare for us and we are trying so hard to be there for both grandchildren.

I set of parents have made the decision to not have their child appear on any form of social media platform and the other set of parents post their child daily (neither is wrong).

The older child is being weened from baby food pouches and the other is being 'baby led' again both supported. The older childs parents have been advised to start giving theirs proper food, but its not being taken well, but again their decision we cater for both.

We are heavily involved in my DD's child as they live local to us, and my DD or my SIL drop in regularly with GC2, and we often go for walks, do stuff etc.. (DD is still on maternity leave but has her own cottage industry and may yet not refturn to work at all). Its more difficult for us to see GC1 as mum had to go back to work early and SS works shifts.

I'm sorry this is long winded, I am trying to not leave anything out. To see GC1 we have to ask, have to provide our shifts for the month and have to sit an wait until we receive a date where they need help. With GC2 its simpler, a text or phone call asking if we are in, or if we are free on such and such date.

I'm exhausted now, trying so hard to treat the 2 families the same. But nothing I do for GC1 is every good enough. I guess technically I am the MIL (although SS and his partner are not married).

So for example, GC1 turned 1 recently and a big party was planned, we offered help, and everytime we (both my husband and I) offered help.. cash, actual manual labour, we were left 'unread' (we were told what to buy as a gift), until we had no choice but to simply turn up to the event, gifts in hand, enjoy the party and then leave.. for the social media post to then appear, depicting this amazing day, showing how much hard work had been put in by the couple and her parents and thanking them for all their hard work.

Yes, I sound jealous. But we wanted to help, offered to help but were effectively 'ghosted'. Christmas, we were so blessed to have all the family together at our house, and the tension was awful. Nothing we did seemed to be right! We bought the gift we were told to buy, but because we dont have a lot of room GC1 couldn't use the gift, and the parting comment before they left was 'we didn't get any photos'.. almost like it meant the day didn't happen?

I just don't know what to do anymore.. do i keep trying, or AIBU to just just step back?

I think they view you as the ‘other’ nan, continue to offer help and leave the logistics to your DH to sort out.

Sorry you are feeling this way OP, but you lost me at trying to treat them the same. Treating people the same isn’t always treating people equally or fairly. Your SS and DIL are not your DD and her husband, they parent differently, they may have different views on family life, and there is also an hours distance. It would be wrong to treat them the same as their circumstances are different.
DIL may have her own parents involved the way you are with your DD, and if her parents are divorced there may even be TWO sets of GPs to appease on that side, let alone your side too. As well as just trying to figure out family life as a nuclear family themselves and all having paid employment too. I’m exhausted for them if I’m honest.
Try to understand their circumstances better and stop trying to make them have “the same” relationship with you as the other. They simply cannot as it’s not possible. I think you need to take a step back and just be way more relaxed and casual about it. The more effortless your company is the effort people will make.

I think the issue IS the relationship between DH and his DS. DH has been happy to leave everything up to me, DS has been happy to leave everything up to me and if i stop arranging and organising it will be my fault!

I agree, this is nothing to do with SS's partner, and yes she's probably doing the same with her own parents as my DD is with me.

I just feel bad, because i know if i don't make the effort, then DH won't and SS won't! but thats a risk i have to take because i cannot carry on like this.

you are right. i think i have gotton myself in a tiz over trying to treat everyone fairly and the same and as you've said, its litterally not possible now.

being a step parent was complicated enough before GC came on the scene, and now its near impossible, so you ARE right . thank you

@confusednana well, yes, your DH and SS have phones and mouths I presume? Equally, I think it's important not to compare the two young families and expect them to approach you in the same way, or take it as a slight/personal when they don't, as from your OP it sounded as though you might be. It's clearly a very different dynamic and your DD's little family who live local are always going to be closer to you than SS's who live further away. Just enjoy being able to attend SS GC's special events without having to do any manual labour.

Sending over rotas isn’t some arduous task. It takes a second to send an email.

And nobody asked you to sit and wait or put your life on hold - those are choices you made that you are responsible for.

This sounds a bit unnecessarily intense, OP. Can’t you try to be a bit more laid back about it?

How long have you been with your husband and been in your SS’s life? You aren’t his mother so I don’t think you can expect the same involvement as a mother. That might be a disappointment to you, but it’s the SS’s call. His wife may not even think of you as her MIL.

you are absolutely right, this is a ME issue and not a THEM issue.. i just need to get my head around it!

I think the issue started when SS stated that they wanted me and DH to be a big part of GC's life, and we threw ourselves into our new role without actually realising just how much they originally needed from us. Initially we were expected to have GC overnight, every weekend! which included us picking up and dropping off, and we soon realised this was not practical and started to set some boundaries.

It's all on me, I feel like I am now letting them down, even though my relationship with DH was struggling because of the committement and because we had GC1 every weekend (from 4 weeks old), it meant I was also never available for GC2.

So yes, I currently feel rotten, but I know deep down, I need to 'let it go'. As I've said, DH and I have had a good talk, and we have agreed to be driven by what SS and his partner want and need, with certain boundaries and take it from there. It's just a difficult transition for me but I don'd dount I'll get there!

Expecting you to have GC overnight every weekend is really bloody cheeky unless it’s for a very legitimate reason like work or a health reason.

They probably didn’t like your boundaries and are now sulking.

The weekends were for social events... but thats all sorted now. I have posted previously about this issue before i left MN for a while, there was an issue around the couple lying to borrow money and their need for their single life to carry on now they have a baby, so yes, i suspect there may be a bit of sulking, but thats their issue not mine. It may be that is just a coincidence that since we've stopped the free baby sitting and the cash hand outs, that our contact is being reduced, but thats fine. The more people reply, the easier it is for me to accept the new changes.

They sound awful, OP! Give yourself a break.

Just stop trying so hard to please them and ingratiate yourself . I assume they both have mothers of their own so you really are the third in line in the nicest sense . Just WhatsApp or text once a week / fortnight , occasionally tell them when you have a day off and invite them over , if they don’t want to come just move on to the next time . Enjoy the GC that you do get to see and stop trying to be fair , it doesn’t work .