To have believed my son?

[threeforagirlfourforaboy]

Shorthand title - I am not sure how to deal with situations like that.

I took my children to a small soft play centre in a pub (wacky warehouse!) I was in the baby bit with my toddler and there were two other children in the main bit, plus my DS(4)

Next thing I know I heard a scream and one child comes out sobbing clutching his face. He was with his older sister who said my ds had hit the child in the face.

I tried to talk to DS about it but the acoustics were terrible and he clammed up so took him to the toilets and tried to find out what happened. DS adamant he hadn’t hit the child. I tried to find out if it had been an accident or a game gone wrong but all I got was that he hadn’t done it.

I didn’t want to leave purely on the say so of another child so I believed DS.

WIBU? It would be out of character but it would also be strange for another child to entirely fabricate a story. I can’t really hover over DS all the time with two of them and I wouldn’t have thought I’d have to at his age. Just wondering what others would have done.

Also wouldn't have left. However is it possible your child sees hitting as a deliberate thing, and perhaps in this instance his arm/hand made contact with the other child whilst enjoying the general craziness of soft play. He may not have even registered that he 'hit' a human, but obviously the person who was struck would have noticed. Just thinking of times DD has 'kicked' me whilst swinging her legs back and forth. She's adamant she hasn't done it, because she didn't set out to kick. Had to explain that if your legs hit me then that's kicking whether you meant to or not.

Yes, that’s definitely possible. And I did try to ask if that was the case but DS does clam up and shut down for want of a better word if he thinks he’s in trouble (even when reassured he won’t be.)

Yes same happens here. Works much better to address the upset in the moment and not try to resolve the mystery until things have calmed down a bit. I get a lot more sense from if I try again a few hours later or even the next day. Can't remember if it was How to talk so little kids will listen or calmer happier easier parenting but one of those spoke about acknowledging feelings 'you're worried you'd be in trouble' 'this isnt how you wanted today to go' etc to help them calm down in the moment and then return to it later at a more neutral time. Helped a lot.

Children do lie about this kind of thing as they don’t want to get told off or upset the adults. I remember lying about things as a kid, even though I was generally very well behaved. I hit a kid in the lunch queue when I was about 5 because she barged in front of me and I still remember completely denying it to the dinner lady. It is an effective strategy and kids are not stupid.

Sounds like he did do it actually

I’m not saying he was definitely being honest but I think the problem for me was that if he was being honest and I didn’t believe him then that would be probably more harmful than the reverse, don’t really know though.

More likely he did do it than didn’t. Why would they make it up? Of course he will deny it.

Does it really matter what happened?

Unless there was an ongoing conflict with the parents or the other child, I would have just apologised on behalf of my kid (because whether or not they hit, they did upset the child), and then tell him to give space to the other kids.

And move on.
Then discuss it with my child later in at home.

@Bearbookagainandagain i would normally deal with hitting (especially a slap / punch to the face) with immediate removal.

I can’t see that he’d have just hit for the fun of it with no provocation but I can imagine him being boisterous and accidentally knocking into someone. Not sure how you’d accidentally hit someone in the face though.

I work with 4/5year olds. It's really easy for them to 'accidentally' hit someone in the face I see it happen on the playground... Usually because they are playing a game which for some reason involves flinging their arms around and they don't pay attention to people around them. Or they are play fighting (which I do try to stop if I can get there quick enough) then seem entirely surprised when their hand makes contact with a friend's face etc and the friend gets upset.

The other child would have zero reason to lie, so I think you can only assume your DS did do it. In my experience, the clamming up kids do is a prime "I'm guilty" reaction.
HOWEVER, if it was very out of character for him, you can probably assume it was accidental, and he caught the other kid in the face during the general chaos that is soft play.

I think you managed it pretty well in the situation you were in.

I'd have said to the boy and his sister something like 'oh I'm sorry that happened. Are you OK now?' and then I would have asked my own child what happened just like you did.

If he did lie about it then it's understandable really as he would have known that he would have been in trouble and possibly taken home.

In the next couple of weeks, try to get in a situation where he tells you something that you can praise him for "letting you know" what happened.

I once dropped an egg in the middle of the kitchen floor right after dh had mopped just so I could say 'sorry dh, I've dropped an egg' and he could tell me it was OK and I had done the right thing by telling him so he could help because my dd was always worrying about situations like that.

If you reassure your kid that they wont be in any trouble, than all you are doing is letting them know that telling the truth will cause trouble.
Change the way you ask about what happened, try 'was there an accident?'

Maybe I’m on my own here, but ‘immediate removal’ is a bit extreme in terms of a consequence for a four year old hitting. If they went fully feral lashing out, okay, but if they lashed out once and stopped and were appropriately upset, I would ‘remove’ them to calm down and then encourage repair (so apology etc.) and moving on. He might not have the language to explain he did it by accident etc. or what the other child had done to provoke it, and understandably wouldn’t want to be taken out of the soft play. However, it may be teaching him to lie if you kept him there knowing he may well have done it, but would have removed him if he told the truth that he did.
Main rule is truth = not in trouble and you have to follow through with that. It’s more important he’s honest with you and feels able to tell you the truth than he never does something wrong.

I agree with the poster above. If the consequence is being removed from a fun activity he 100% is going to lie. He is 4 and that’s a really drastic punishment in a 4 year olds eyes. Definite consequence needed if he did hit the other child but that would be come sit with mum for 5 minutes and calm down a bit. If my 10 year old did it the removal would be more appropriate as he has better understanding of right/wrong.

I wouldn’t have left but I wouldn’t believe he hadn’t done it either. May have been an accident. Those wacky warehouse places are like a jungle!

I don’t miss them.

I agree with this

More likely that he did do it. Kids lie all the time tbh. I have seen kids who are genuinely lovely stick to a story and swear to their parents that they are completely innocent. Only when cctv footage is shown to them do they retract, cry and say they were at fault. You need to get to grips with this because you are teaching your child that you will always take their word which is going to encourage them to lie to you.

In this situation I would have told them that they needed to sit out because they had hurt someone elsewhether on purose or as an accident. I wouldn't have asked them if they had done it. Later after the consequence I would have asked them if they could have done anything differently. If you don't overreact then are also more like to tell you the truth.

This sort of thing does happen, I think it would be wise to keep an eye on him in these situations which I appreciate is hard if you have a toddler also. Maybe at 4 he isn’t ready to be left unsupervised which is fairly normal. Soft plays are a sensory overload for some children, yours and others too.

Children do lie, either they know they’ve done wrong or scared of the telling off etc, I find talking calmly (again not easy when other parents eyes are on you but aim to ignore them). Keep instructions simple “yes you can go back in but do not touch or hit any other child / if you start to feel angry come out and find me”.

No / few children are perfect, it’s how to deal with situations best suited to the child is best.

Soft plays, I totally understand splitting up the age ranges but is difficult when yours span the ranges.

The worst behaviour I’ve seen in soft plays is adults riding on scooters down a slide into a baby ball pit with babies in there, I’m not even joking so always remember there’s worse going on.

Do 4yo children understand yes I did but it was an accident??

Its not surprising that he lies about it happening if he knows the consequence is immediate removal.

Its too much for something that could well have been accidental eg he came down the slide too quick after another child and collided or whatever.

There just isnt any reason for two other children to both randomly to decide to accuse a strange child. Agree with others, him clamming up prob means he did it.

Of course he hit him. An older child pointed your son out. But most likely it was not intentional.

DD, 4, was at a park the other day and another boy kept rolling about and obstructively sitting at the bottom of the slide. His mother made vague noises about him moving out the way, watched him ignore her, and then went back to chatting with her coffee. It was one of those enclosed things like a chute so you can't see the bottom from the top, and most of the climbing tower is completely enclosed as it's rather high. Next thing, DD comes flying out the slide into this boy. He runs off screaming "she hit me she hit me."

Technically she did. But it wasn't her fault. And I made it very clear to her that she had done nothing wrong, because she was quite teary about it.

I imagine it was something like that.

(I usually would have told DD to apologise because even if it's an accident but we hurt someone we should make sure they're ok, but this boy had been barging other children out of the way and pulled my DS off the ladder to climb up so he could go first, so frankly DD forced his lazy mother to put her coffee down and finally supervise her poorly behaved child)

4 year old are smart. No chance they will own up as they know they will get into trouble.

At this age, you should be watching your child.

Possibly, although if he was lying and you did believe him then he's now learnt that all he has to do is be insistent enough and you will believe his lie.