To feel like I might never spend the holidays with my family again

[MaLanny]

Hi all,

I feel awful writing this but I need some perspective. This year I was really lucky and had the most amazing Christmas with my fiancés family. For various reasons we haven't done Christmas with his family before, my parents always guilted me into spending it with them.

Christmas with my family has always been a little underwhelming, even as a kid. My parents were never the type to make a show of Christmas, decorations were minimal, dinner was all premade stuff and the whole day just sort of dragged. They have never been thoughtful gift givers preferring to just give money to get your own thing etc.
Now I don't fault this, if this is how they like Christmas then great.

Fiancés family are the opposite. His aunt and uncle hosted for us, his brother, his parents and grandparents and for his cousin and her lovely little girl.
In the morning we woke up late, and opened presents, my fiancé had put so much thought into the gifts, and he was genuinely excited to see me open them. Even down to the wrapping which included bows and ribbons and he was like a kid excitedly saying "look it has polar bears and it's green it's your two favourites" like he really thought it all through. We then got dressed up which is totally alien to me at Christmas as a pyjama family but it was lovely.
When we got to his aunt and uncles we did the gift exchange there and it was the same, all gorgeously wrapped, really well thought out considerate presents. His family have a rule where the "grandparent" generation cook, so his aunt and uncle and his parents sorted all of dinner. Apparently it's so as our generation have more kids (only his cousin has a kid so far) we get to spend Christmas with them and playing with them without worrying about cooking. Which again just feels so thoughtful. So when they went off to cook, my fiancé and his brother and cousin set up the toy car race track they'd got for the little girl and everyone raced their cars. She loved it and it was so refreshing as if it was my parents, we'd have been sat silently in front of the telly!
Dinner was incredible, salmon roulade starter, goose and beef wellington for main with all the trimmings, proper Christmas pudding and a lovely trifle.
After dinner we all went a walk and stopped in the pub, which again was just nice to be out for a little as my family would never do that.
Back in, film on but there was no pressure to be quiet and watch, half of us were on the floor with the little girl playing with her toys, it just felt so festive. The conversation was lovely, no one was shouting or arguing.
Once the little girl went to bed we all played games.

In all my life I've never had such a lovely Christmas. I've never felt so cared about. The effort was incredible and you could tell they all really loved doing it.

His family also go all out for new years, host a party etc.

Now we are TTC and my mum knows. She keeps going on about how if I get pregnant soon she will get babies first Christmas since we spent this one with my fiancés side. But honestly I don't know if I could go back to my parents for Christmas ever again. It's so much more festive and well thought out at my fiancés and it felt so welcoming and fun.

AIBU to think that for as long as I'm with my fiancé and his family are hosting Christmas like this (which they have done more or less every year of his whole life so not likely to stop soon), id rather go there and have a lazy Boxing Day with my parents? Or is it on me to make sure i see my parents at Christmas too even if I enjoy it less?

Do whatever Christmas feels best for you. Don’t go to your parents purely out of obligation. Life is way too short to have miserable Christmases and it’s their own doing.

I now spend the holidays just me, DD and DP because both our families are complicated. Next year a friend who has no relatives will join us as well.

I think I spent most of Christmas Day waiting for it to turn sour. When we arrived late I was expecting a big show of omg you have made the whole timing run behind and ruined Christmas and when that didn't happen I was like wow okay. Then when the little one knocked the drink over I could feel myself prepping for shouting and upset but it never happened!!

I actually think my parents would enjoy it a lot more if they had a quiet Christmas Day just them and my brother and I visited on Boxing Day or similar, sat in our PJs and ordered a takeaway, but I already know my mum is going to engage in some sort of competitive grandparenting when it comes and see her arse if she feels like we are favouring the others!

@MaLanny I thought that was the case. What you actually enjoy is feeling safe, and warm, and comfortable and not just being able to enjoy yourself, but to just be. Anyone would want that for themselves and more importantly so, for their children. Sorry to say , but your OP made you sound a bit spoiled/snobbish , when the real issue is something entirely different.

You can be non committal for now, but maybe in time you can put some clear boundaries in place and manage expectations, so everyone is clear on what's what at Christmas. It might be that you end up visiting for a bit/boxing day/xmas eve , or that Christmas is just you ,DH and kids at least in the beginning to set a precedent if you need to smooth things over, but definitely don't go back to miserable, arguing Christmases with everyone walking on eggshells.

Oh I can see that now, that wasn't what I was getting at sorry.

I think it irks me even more as it feels like my parents have no real reason to make the day as stressful and tense as they do when comparably so little happens.

I wouldn't enjoy in-laws Christmas much if it was tense but I'd definitely understand it more as there is more happening.

But when I can see that in-laws can do a large homemade meal, put time and effort into gifts and make the whole day feel really special without arguing and getting arsey it makes me even more sad that my parents can't do their much simpler day without all the drama if you know what I mean?

My situation is similar to yours but we’ve really enjoyed bringing the festive fun to my family and they’ve actually loved it - we’ve done proper Christmas dinner and games and not had the TV on all day and at first it was weird but people ended up loving it! I wouldn’t give up on your family christmases, you’d end up regretting it I think and often people are just stuck in their own ways and don’t think there’s an alternative . Alternative is to host them in the way you’d prefer!

Tell them straight that you have no interest in spending Christmas with argumentative parents who believe Christmas is crap when you can spend it with lovely people who celebrate it and make you feel welcome.
Nip this in the bud now, or it’ll keep creeping into your head all year round and build up as Christmas approaches next year. Your parents don’t have any right to assume you will spend next Christmas at theirs with a grandchild that probably hasn’t even been conceived yet.

I don't blame you one bit. Sounds like you had a lovely day.

Your parents sound very difficult. They will likely ramp their shit up once a grandchild comes into the equation -

I was going to say everyone has different Xmas and preferences but OP's family sound very unhappy.

I don't do hosting or big stressful festivities (I don't enjoy parties and am teetotal). Also i don't do Xmas decorations, apart from preparing presents for my kids. My kids put up the tree. I took it down on boxing day. I cringe at the thought of matching pyjamas etc we think such families are... wierdos.

We don't argue, we're mostly chilling out. We do lots of walks and a couple family visits. Hopefully my kids don't grow up resenting our chilled Xmas "staycations" but maybe they will!

YANBU. I love Christmas day at my kind, warm in-laws. Never going back.

Interesting. Christmas is definitely what you make it.
How can you gently relay this to your dp?
As a mum I would want to know. People tend to replicate the Xmas they had so maybe this is what your parents had? Can you say in an excited way all you have said here and perhaps give your dm some food for thought.
Give her a chance to switch things up

Go to your in laws. And stop telling your parents so much about your life. Them knowing you're trying to get pregnant just sets you up for intrusive comments and things like the baby's first Christmas remark. Do you think they'll sensitively support you if getting pregnant turns out to be harder than you hoped? It doesn't sound like it.

I was going to suggest you bringing a similar Christmas experience to them, like a poster above also said however, there are some deep issues that need unpicking really. You know them well enough to know how they'd react to games etc. What are they like the rest of the year? Have you had any counselling about their behaviours? It sounds like you were brought up in a tense home where your body is programmed to the fight/flight response.

I've gone away this year to avoid family. I'm dreading even visiting upon our return. I've already started making it clear to them that we will be doing the same next year despite the emotional blackmail! They're not bad people but my sister likes me there so that she can feel better about herself. We've had such a wonderful Christmas and I'm pleased that you have too 😊

You go to your In laws!!

my child’s dad isn’t any way good at celebrating a thing I mean for his birthdays he’d rather sit in his flat.

so much so we have a 3 year old and we haven’t spent a Christmas Day with him yet because it’s so much more festive with my family than it ever would be his. You’ve got to do what makes you happy and gives you a great day because if you don’t you may result in resenting your parents for putting this pressure on you.

We alternate who we have lunch with every year and I think I might start insisting on lazy boxing days just us (me, dh and our child), as this year we basically had two Christmasses to see everyone and it was too much.

However I don't think I could just see one side of the family every Christmas day from now on as that wouldn't go down well. I don't see how you could do that without upsetting your family really.

Agree with @PullTheBricksDown

Stop telling your mother private details of your life. You need to start mentally disengaging from her and your dad and building yourself up as an individual.

Also Christmas is different when you have kids especially 3 onwards, I certainly would be spending it with the in-laws if possible x

To me it just seems like 2 different ways to celebrate Christmas.
Your fiance's Christmas sounds amazing - but also like something out of a movie.
But when it's yours and your fiance's turn to host will you be able to afford too? Or are you planning to freeload Christmas dinner off his family every year?
Your mum's Christmas except for the arguing also sounds fine. I kind of agree that you don't need fancy food and fancy clothes and fancy gifts to celebrate Christmas.

There are 12 days of Christmas, the 25th is only the first. Plenty of time to do what suits you and deal with obligations. Many families have several "Christmas Days" over the period, many with stockings and presents too. Putting so much pressure on one day is far too difficult for most families, unless they have loads of staff to help.

Put your foot down, OP. You have seen how others celebrate. Time to make your own traditions.

about 10 years ago my mum used cooking Xmas dinner for me against me in a row.
i have never had Xmas day with my family since.
I honestly think who cares what others think, do what makes you happy. Spend every year with your finances family and if your mum asks why then be honest!

I must say, this could be an MN first. Woman spends Christmas with ILs and has a lovely time. Has this ever happened before?

Would your ilaws invite your dps to theirs?

I would advise being clear from the outset that you don't "owe" anyone at Christmas, especially those who don't seem bothered anyway. That way, you don't get into a routine of "your family one year and his family the next year". Christmas with my exILs was fucking miserable and they didn't seem to enjoy our company when we were there - it was just a load of ill tempered present giving. I hated it, and it caused me and exH such a load of stress and argument every year. We ended up spending precious holiday time stuck in traffic jams as we went all round the country to spend time with people who weren't interested us anyway - they just wanted a show off FB Christmas for public boasting. Don't be the same.

You fiancé and his family sound absolutely lovely!

You could host your parents

I’d reframe it as your Christmas plans moving forward will now be the childhood memories of your child. So I know which day I’d be saying yes to! They can still see both sets of grandparents over the Xmas period but the day itself should be the more enjoyable, child friendly one whilst they’re small I’d say.

Congratulations on your engagement op! Your Christmas sounds perfect!

Op I understand where you are coming from because my family used to do the all-out cooking and thoughtful presents and were really good hosts at Christmas. My siblings and I copy my parents model!

However, have you thought about why your parents host as they do?

Your in-laws magical Christmas doesn’t come out of nowhere: it will have cost a lot of money, energy, planning and time. (Also perhaps best not to assume that the model of the older generation cooking will continue indefinitely as there will come a point when the youngsters will need to take over.)

Your parents may not have the same financial resources, There may be some other reasons why they find Christmas so stressful. Have you ever asked them why?

For example, I have hosted Christmas on one occasion when I was deeply depressed and it was one of the most stressful things I have ever done.

Maybe your grandparents found Christmas very stressful for some reason and your parents inherited that model?

Or something happened at Christmas early on in your parents relationship or childhood, the memory of which makes it a burden for them every year?

Anyway, fwiw in your shoes, from the pov of someone older, I would take over hosting your parents every third year, in order to ensure that you create the Christmas you want and to relieve the burden from them.

Go to your in-laws every third year (but offer to help well in advance and don’t assume it will be always all be laid on for you) and make sure you contribute one aspect like making the cake or trays of mince pies.

And then keep one year for yourselves to opt out, or travel, or do whatever you like,

This “every third year” model has worked well for us as a couple and ensures that no one feels pressured to host every year, and the time, energy and financial output are shared out evenly.