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Original poster

Am I in the wrong? Not sure what to do

56 replies

whyatiteh · 28/12/2024 19:10

I have divorced my ex who I have a child with.

I have recently been speaking with someone, we have been chatting for around four months. We have had 6 dates because we do live long distance so see one another twice per month.

The person I am dating recently asked if I would spend New Year's Eve with them. I have my child that evening. But I have said I can see them New Year's Day and the following day, so we agreed on that.

On New Year's Eve, I am doing an activity with my ex and our child which finishes at 8 pm. My ex asked if I have plans with our child afterwards and I said I don't so they asked if I would like to stay with them and our child together for the evening as they don't have plans either.

I've contacted the person I am dating because I am aware that they may be uncomfortable with this so I wanted to check it out.

They have confirmed they feel uncomfortable with it but stated they don't feel like they have the right to. Probably because we are not in a relationship although we are dating and it looks like it's heading towards potentially being a relationship.

My date also said they are aware they only asked me if I wanted to do something New Year's Eve just a few days ago which was relatively short notice for me to change childcare arrangements

I'm really not sure what to do here.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 28/12/2024 19:13

Couldn't ex have your child then if they're asking for you both to stay over anyway? But you have NYE with your new person?

Mountainhowl · 28/12/2024 19:13

Let ex look after your child and make the most of a child free night and go on the date?

Partyatno10 · 28/12/2024 19:14

Sounds like you have a good co parenting relationship. I don't understand why you felt the need to 'ask' your date if they're ok with this? Bit bonkers imo, carry on with what you're doing. If date doesn't like it now or in the future, then so what will you do then? Sabotage your co parenting relationship for them?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/12/2024 19:16

You don’t have to run your plans past someone you’re only dating. Especially not plans with your child.

Original poster
whyatiteh · 28/12/2024 19:20

My ex does not know I am dating someone. Neither of us have discussed dating anybody. Although my ex does sometimes ask, I don't want to let on I'm dating really.

My date has said that they are happy to work around my childcare plans, therefore felt okay that I could not see them New Year's Eve because I had my child with me. But they feel uneasy that I will now be there with my ex if I decide to be there New Year's Eve.

I could say to my ex that I would prefer they have our child that evening, but I don't want them to be asking questions about what I am doing and why I'm rearranging my Childcare at the last minute.

OP posts:
ThatGladTiger · 28/12/2024 19:21

NYE is not relevant in this story. I appreciate others are saying it’s good co-parenting, but OP I think you need to set some boundaries with your ex. There is no need for you two to be socialising like this. Your new bf (or whatever he is) is right to be uncomfortable, as will any parter you date in the future. It will also confuse your child.

MontyNojangles · 28/12/2024 19:24

ThatGladTiger · 28/12/2024 19:21

NYE is not relevant in this story. I appreciate others are saying it’s good co-parenting, but OP I think you need to set some boundaries with your ex. There is no need for you two to be socialising like this. Your new bf (or whatever he is) is right to be uncomfortable, as will any parter you date in the future. It will also confuse your child.

Couldn't agree more. You can have a really nice co parenting relationship with the person you've divorced (obviously with reason) without living in eachothers pockets. There seem to be no boundaries which makes it confusing for all parties.

Neveranynamesleft · 28/12/2024 19:29

You need to ask yourself why you want to spend time with your ex. Confusing to your child and I'm not suprised the new person on the scene is uncomfortable with your suggested arrangement.

Ablondiebutagoody · 28/12/2024 19:46

I don't go along with the whole "it's confusing for your child" thing. It really isn't. It will be nice for them to spend time with both parents. Why would you let a dates opinion on what they are comfortable with trump a happy time for your kid? The date needs to grow up. Like you are going to start fucking as soon as they are asleep ffs.

Sanblasamor · 28/12/2024 19:52

Why don't you want your ex to know you're dating?
I'm reading this as Op being a man

Original poster
whyatiteh · 28/12/2024 19:53

Sanblasamor · 28/12/2024 19:52

Why don't you want your ex to know you're dating?
I'm reading this as Op being a man

I feel worried about being interrogated. Or that childcare plans will be changed often and last minute to potentially sabotage it.

OP posts:
Pineapplewaves · 28/12/2024 20:07

How much do you like your "date". If I was your date and I was child free I would be walking away from you, that would be too much for me.

Do you have to do the activity with your ex and your child? I would have said to ex DH "you don't have plans for NYE, great because I've been invited out for the evening with friends, what time shall I drop off DC?". You are only dating, not in a relationship so you don't need to tell your ex anything at the moment.

Original poster
whyatiteh · 28/12/2024 20:20

Pineapplewaves · 28/12/2024 20:07

How much do you like your "date". If I was your date and I was child free I would be walking away from you, that would be too much for me.

Do you have to do the activity with your ex and your child? I would have said to ex DH "you don't have plans for NYE, great because I've been invited out for the evening with friends, what time shall I drop off DC?". You are only dating, not in a relationship so you don't need to tell your ex anything at the moment.

I really like the person I'm dating. We currently see one another every 2-3 weeks because of the distance.

I'm new to co parenting. That's why I am messaging on here. I'm not sure what feels appropriate and what doesn't.

The person I am dating doesn't have children. They've said they're not annoyed but feel a bit uneasy about it.

OP posts:
EveryOtherNameTaken · 28/12/2024 20:21

Sanblasamor · 28/12/2024 19:52

Why don't you want your ex to know you're dating?
I'm reading this as Op being a man

I also read this as OP being a man.

Crunchymum · 28/12/2024 22:00

Why are you being so vague about the sex of the people involved? Are you are man?

crashbandicooty · 28/12/2024 22:14

I feel worried about being interrogated. Or that childcare plans will be changed often and last minute to potentially sabotage it.

If this is the case, then you don't have a good co parenting relationship, you have a controlling ex and the dynamic of your relationship with them is going to potentially undermine or even ruin this and future relationships.

Original poster
whyatiteh · 28/12/2024 22:23

@crashbandicooty
This is what I'm worried about. My ex was controlling in the relationship.

OP posts:
crashbandicooty · 28/12/2024 22:28

The beauty of no longer being in a relationship with a controlling partner is that they can't control you any more.

Ask them if they would like to have DC on NYE seeing as they don't have plans. Your plans are none of their business. If they say no because it's your night with DC, so be it, but I wouldn't be continuing the joint activities/sleepovers. I would want set days so I could manage and plan my life.

XChrome · 28/12/2024 22:32

whyatiteh · 28/12/2024 19:20

My ex does not know I am dating someone. Neither of us have discussed dating anybody. Although my ex does sometimes ask, I don't want to let on I'm dating really.

My date has said that they are happy to work around my childcare plans, therefore felt okay that I could not see them New Year's Eve because I had my child with me. But they feel uneasy that I will now be there with my ex if I decide to be there New Year's Eve.

I could say to my ex that I would prefer they have our child that evening, but I don't want them to be asking questions about what I am doing and why I'm rearranging my Childcare at the last minute.

Just say; "personal, private reasons."
It's none of his business.

XChrome · 28/12/2024 22:37

whyatiteh · 28/12/2024 22:23

@crashbandicooty
This is what I'm worried about. My ex was controlling in the relationship.

Then you need to stop doing activities with him. It gives him the feeling that he can still control your life. You need to cut the cord completely if he is controlling, so no playing happy family with him and your child. Your ex is not your family anymore. You don't have to spend any time with him and you shouldn't. Read your own posts and see how afraid you are of this guy.

MontyNojangles · 28/12/2024 22:37

See? This is EXACTLY what makes it confusing. Your ex was controlling. So the cutesy sleepovers and trips out together is their way of keeping control so they know you're with them and not in any way moving on with your life. If you're sleeping on their sofa, you're not off sleeping in a new partners bed are you? Also they hope you'll spend enough time with them to maybe want to get back with them. Cozy little family. Look what you're missing.

Endofyear · 28/12/2024 22:39

I think it's odd that you would ask someone you've only recently started dating if it's ok for you to spend the evening with your ex and child - it's not really their place to approve or disapprove! Do you want to spend the evening with your ex? Would you prefer to just stay home with your child? Do what YOU want to do and don't worry about anyone else's opinion.

Original poster
whyatiteh · 28/12/2024 22:40

@MontyNojangles
Do you think telling I'm dating someone will change it?

OP posts:
MontyNojangles · 28/12/2024 22:45

It's your private life. You don't have to discuss that with ex at all at the moment if you dont want to.
You just need to get some clearer boundaries sorted out.

stanleypops66 · 28/12/2024 23:10

What do you actually want to do?
If you want to spend it with your dc and ex, then do it.
If you want to spend it with your new bf and you have childcare then do it.
Don't let your very very new bf tell you what you should or shouldn't do. They are not in your life long enough to 'feel uncomfortable' with who you spend your nye with.

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