Am I in the wrong? Not sure what to do

[whyatiteh]

I have divorced my ex who I have a child with.

I have recently been speaking with someone, we have been chatting for around four months. We have had 6 dates because we do live long distance so see one another twice per month.

The person I am dating recently asked if I would spend New Year's Eve with them. I have my child that evening. But I have said I can see them New Year's Day and the following day, so we agreed on that.

On New Year's Eve, I am doing an activity with my ex and our child which finishes at 8 pm. My ex asked if I have plans with our child afterwards and I said I don't so they asked if I would like to stay with them and our child together for the evening as they don't have plans either.

I've contacted the person I am dating because I am aware that they may be uncomfortable with this so I wanted to check it out.

They have confirmed they feel uncomfortable with it but stated they don't feel like they have the right to. Probably because we are not in a relationship although we are dating and it looks like it's heading towards potentially being a relationship.

My date also said they are aware they only asked me if I wanted to do something New Year's Eve just a few days ago which was relatively short notice for me to change childcare arrangements

I'm really not sure what to do here.

How old is your child? Old enough to want to see in the New Year with you?

The new person sounds like a red flag.

Absolutely right. Sleeping on her ex's sofa is also inappropriate and serves to prevent her from moving on emotionally, because it gives the illusion that they are still a nuclear family. That's what he wants. It's manipulation to keep her under his thumb. He also might try to get her to have sex. Terrible idea.

OP- how long has it been since you split up with your child’s other parent?
It doesn’t sound like you are fully emotionally separated from your ex

What the actual fuck have I just read???!!!

You don't need anyone's permission to spend time as you see fit!

Why on earth would you give your date that sort of power over your life??? Why???

You are an adult woman with agency. Don't subjugate yourself to any man.

This (edited to add "is odd"). I read it as OP is infatuated with a younger model and isn't thinking straight. Way too early to ask how someone you're dating feels about this. Also wondering how quickly you're dating. Sounds like you don't want to rock the boat with your child's mother and maybe it's not been very long at all....

So OP is male. He and ex split up- he ‘divorced’ her. Probably she would rather not have separated. He has the child’s care on NYE. Ex would obv like to spend time with OP and her (their) child. OP has a sort of new gf that he doesn’t want to tell the ex, mother of his child about. He knows she wouldn’t like the fact he has a new gf, nor her child to be introduced to random other women, I’m guessing. Nor would she take kindly to him off loading child care to her on nye so he can spend time with his new sort of gf.

Solution: spend time on early nye activity with your child and ex as planned but don’t extend the time. Then go home with your child. See gf New Year’s Day.

If it gets more serious with your gf, you’ll have to tell your ex, it’d be hard to keep it a secret.

I agree with this post.

Agree with this. It's co parenting, not a date. You don't need your dates permission or to feel bad about it at all.

My DH and his ex had a phenomenal co-parenting relationship when we met, and we continue to all have one together along with ex’s new spouse. I honestly appreciate that DH and his ex are friends and she and I have become friends as well.

But this scenario you’re describing absolutely would have given me pause and possibly made me walk away when we were first dating. This isn’t the two of you taking your DD to a child-centered event or even a big family party, it’s private time in what would absolutely have been a romantic setting during a relationship. And the lead up suggests that your ex or you or both still see each other as a fallback partner when you’re not otherwise occupied. I think your new dating interest is reasonable to not be comfortable with this; it really should make them question whether you’re not really finished with the whole separating from your ex from an emotional and relationship level. They’re right that at this stage in the relationship they can’t easily say no, but I think you probably need to decide whether this evening with your ex is worth the new person potentially walking away.

Also, it’s not clear whether your ex invited you and your DD to stay the night or not. If the idea was to stay the night then bold and underline my previous paragraph - your new person should absolutely walk away. But also I would recommend you say no to that no matter what. It’s not conducive to establishing this new fully-platonic, healthy-boundaried co-parenting relationship that you and ex need to form.

You shouldn’t have asked the person you’re NOT in a relationship with for their opinion. It’s none of their business.

@GravyBoatWars

We separated 18 months ago. We still lived together while selling the house. We moved out of our joint house 4 months ago to live in separate houses.

My ex did ask do we want to stay there.

I didn't 'ask' my date like some people have suggested on here but I did ask how they'd feel about it because we've been dating for a while now and I don't want to sabotage this as I do think it is heading towards being a relationship.

My date has said they feel uneasy about it. They know there's no feelings there for my ex at all. But they said it's seeing in the new year with someone else when they did want to spend it with me and obviously couldn't because I have my child.

I know many people are saying I asked my dates permission. It may sound like that. And I didn't want it to come across like that. I was really wanting to see how they'd feel about it because I don't want to sabotage something that could be a potential relationship.

We do talk a lot. We get on really well. I really like them. It feels like the most healthiest dating experience I've had actually. So I did want to speak about it to them.

I am sorry. But if I understand correctly your ex has asked if you want to spend NYE with them.
Just say no. You are divorced. They are an ex for a reason. Why on earth would you spend NYE together?
It's not like such a special family time like DC birthday or something. Just say no thanks I'd rather not. End of

I was really wanting to see how they'd feel about it because I don't want to sabotage something

It doesn’t matter how they feel about it because it’s none of their business. The most that should have happened is that you made the decision yourself and informed the date about it if you felt it necessary.

Instead your dates response is now part of your decision making process. Don’t give someone you’re casually dating the opportunity to have an opinion about things that are none of their business.

Completely agree with this and OP doesn't want to give "his" ex the go ahead to date.

Why don't you just tell your ex that if he/she doesn't mind having DC, you're going to catch up with some friends?

You're making this a lot more complicated than it really needs to be.

It sounds to me like you’re trying to keep the door open with your ex AND keep this new girl on the back burner!

You got some weird comments & bad advice on that. No, this new person doesn't get to give you "permission" to do anything. But if you're interested in pursuing a relationship then of course their feelings about you spending a night with another person - especially one you were in a longterm sexual relationship with and were still living with and married to a few months ago - are relevant.

So let me rephrase and you can decide where your priorities lie:
If a woman came on here saying this person they had been dating and talking to for a few months with an eye developing a relationship had said that this prospective boyfriend was very recently divorced and thinking of going over to their ex's home at 8pm with their young child on NYE and staying the night because the ex figured neither of them had other dates so they might as well, my advice would be to not progress a relationship with this man now.

It's great to be able to still be able to be with your child at the same time after divorce, but what you're describing here isn't that. A private NYE celebration with a sleepover after your child goes to bed is (or should be) an indication to potential new partners that you and your ex are still partway in your relationship, not healthy coparenting.

@GravyBoatWars

The reality of what it would look like is getting back from the NYE kids event, DC will probably be up til 11 because no doubt they will have slept in the car on the way back. And then we may all be asleep before midnight.

But I do understand what you're saying.

There are no feelings there for my ex at all. The person I'm saying, we've been talking for a few months and have been on 6 dates. I don't want to ask for permission to do this. But I do feel bad that she feels uneasy about it. It isn't about trust. She trusts me. But is concerned I'm being manipulated to spend time with my ex.

I'm not sure why you felt the need to tell your date, as you'd already said you couldn't do NYE and arranged to meet NYD instead.

Surely the only difference is you're staying with your ex beyond 8pm and it doesn't impact on meeting your date the next day?

I think say thanks but no thanks to ex, tell date you also felt uneasy about it, and don't tell ex anything, just say that doesn't work for you. Boundaries are important in dating and co parenting and this would be muddying the waters unhelpfully.

I disagree with some of the comments here saying you shouldn’t have asked the person you’re dating how they feel. If I was in your situation, I would have done the same, because the feelings of someone I care about are important. It’s different than asking permission, which you’ve explained wasn’t what happened.
Also if you’d decided to spend nye with your ex and not said anything to the person you’re seeing, that would seem a bit shady. Being open and honest and communicating is so important.

Agree with the opinion that you shouldn’t spend the night with your ex anyway. You should have set the boundary and politely declined. Then no need to speak to the person you’re dating. Even better, now that things have gone the way they have and the person you’re seeing is probably uneasy - why not just say to your ex, as someone upthread said, that you hadn’t made plans but since they’re free would they mind having your child as you have an invite from a friend. If you haven’t had the exclusive conversation to make the relationship “official”, and given your concerns with your ex, I think it’s ok to refer to your date as a friend.

There are no feelings there for my ex at all. The person I'm saying, we've been talking for a few months and have been on 6 dates. I don't want to ask for permission to do this. But I do feel bad that she feels uneasy about it. It isn't about trust. She trusts me. But is concerned I'm being manipulated to spend time with my ex.

This is still a signal that she shouldn’t invest in a relationship with you and that you shouldn’t be getting into a new relationship. If you aren’t at a point where you can put down such a basic, healthy boundary with your ex or acknowledge you have a date or at least plans with a friend then you’re not through the separation process yet.

Part of healthy co-parenting is consciously putting down clear boundaries and intentionally establishing a new relationship that does not involve mimicking your old couple/family of three patterns just without the sex. Early on this is especially important to help really solidify the change for everyone. Inviting your ex to come to the earlier child-focused event would be healthy co-parenting, but going over to your ex’s at 8pm for a few hours on the couch then toasting the new year just the two of you before heading to bed is not - that’s incomplete separation.