DH and made up jobs

[HateMyLife887]

First time mum to a 4 month old who doesn't love sleeping. Exclusively breastfeeding. So my baseline is just being totally exhausted all the time and can't think straight.

DH does this thing where he decides something needs doing even though i think there are more pressing things to do. Example, this morning. It gets to 11am and I am thoroughly exhausted and pissed off. I had done all childcare, feeding, nappy changing, tummy time, helping baby to nap, etc etc. What did he do? He sat for a whole 30 minutes gently sipping his coffee. Then washed some dishes (not all and didn't clean the kitchen) and spent the rest of the morning tidying a particular cupboard.

Yes, the cupboard sort of needed sorting at some point in the next 5 years. But the kitchen was an absolute greasy bomb, the laundry is piling up and I haven't even showered. I spilt coffee all over myself as I was trying to balance baby on my lap while drinking my very cold coffee.

So I had a go at him. He feels bad, starts ACTUALLY being helpful. But I'm exhausted, and now feel guilty too.

There's a whole atmosphere in the house where he acts like he's scared of me, while I feel bad and still doing the majority of the hard work.

Basically, in short, I feel like he gets to choose what he wants to do. While I get stuck with the shit tasks. Is this unfair or am I being unrealistic about life with a small baby?

a lot of parenting young children is drudgery but I think talking when you’re both in reasonable moods to split the tasks more evenly might work. Giving him stuff he is solely responsible for will help lighten the load.

Keep calling him out on it and don't accept the bullshit that he needs to be told.

Presumably he functions just fine at work without having to have every tiny detail spelled out to him.

He can observe for himself what needs doing and fucking do it, like you do.

We called those tasks, 'baby avoidance work' in this house. As in 'honey, the garden is baby avoidance work, will I get a break later?'.

It worked because DH would freely admit it when called out.

TBF supermarket shopping was the same for me. Pottering around Sainsbury's without DD for hours, squeezing fruit and reading labels? Bliss!

Can you not put a list of to do jobs on the fridge ? Tell him you are shattered and need the right kind of help.... sounds like you need to set some foundations....he may not even know what to do unless you make it clear.

Don't shout at him! Talk to him! He may not fully understand what he needs to do to make you happy, he may be just as overwhelmed at being a new parent as you! It sounds like you are doing all the work which sounds unfair but have you had a sit down conversation with him and asked him to maybe help you a bit more? Tell him if he's unsure then just to ask, or maybe you can write a to do list of things that need to be done daily!
My DH is great, he does all the cooking, shopping and basic cleaning but some jobs he just doesn't seem to understand! I'm disabled so can't do a lot and it took a lot of conversations where I had to point out things needed cleaning... top of hobs, fridge shelves and stairs! But we got there! It takes time and patience and the understanding that what I used to find important he doesn't!
Good luck

She isnt his mother.

op tell him to go and clean the fucking kitchen properly and if he is such a child he needs a list to do that he can fuck right off.

She is not his mother but some men are thick. A little nudge without ranting might be all that is needed.

A new baby for both is a learning curve and saying what you need without ranting maybe a better place to start.....

An adult person should not need a list on the fridge to explain basics to them like “do all the dishes, not some of them”, “wipe down the kitchen when there are crumbs and spills”, “put a load of laundry in when the basket is getting full” or “when you can see/feel the laundry is dry, fold it and put it away”.

If someone is thick enough not to understand these basics, I assume they are also not competent to hold down a job.

The key is what was he like before the baby??

If he hasn't changed at all don't expect him too when a baby arrives.. looks like he may need a rocket up his arse.

But for me I'd just fire one giant rocket, not multiple small ones. Get the energy and go ballistic.

You need to sit yourself and your DH down for a serious conversation about life with a baby in the house and how each of you need to be a team and work together. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for years of doing it all. You need to explain to your DH that he is as responsible for looking after your baby and the running of the house as much as you are. Obviously, when you are on maternity you will be during the baby care while he’s at work but outside of that it’s 50/50.

I would think that new mom & new dad are in a big learning curve. What normally occurs maybe out of the window.

TBH housework is not my thing and I would prefer a non angry chat about how things should be done. I personally would love a list - my kitchen is a shit tip at the moment ! BUT I still work and do my job really well BUT I'm still rubbish at the housework.

I just feel new parents are adjusting and need to say what will help each other & this is best done when calm.
PS I really don't think the list needs to be as detailed as you have implied.

I think it is always best to approach a situation with calm in the first instance.

Some guidelines:

When he is not at work, everything is 50/50. That means you do a full day's work during the day when he is out, then you both get equal amounts of time to sit/rest in the evening or at weekends. If he sits in the evening, sit next to him. Then after 10-20 mins say "so, shall we clean the kitchen?" Don't get up until he does.

Feel free to hand over the baby as soon as feeding is done - he can burp and change the baby. Don't let the baby be by default "yours" - he needs to be a 100% competent parent, e.g. packing the baby's stuff for a trip out, weaning, potty training, everything. So let him get on with it, his way.

Don't become the "household manager". Don't delegate or find jobs for him, or tell him what to do, or ask for him to "help you". The phrase 'helping you' suggests that the task is your primary responsibility and he just "helps", i.e. he is not an equally responsible partner.

Instead, hand over whole areas of work that are 100% his, week in week out, to plan and execute. Could he take on all the laundry and everything to do with baby clothes (including purchasing as needed)? Or could he take on all bathroom cleaning and vacuuming throughout on a regular agreed schedule? Or all the shopping including household products as well as food?
Find somethings you can 100% hand over, then, most importantly, don't get involved, don't pick up the pieces if he fails. Wait for him to sort it.

Make him solely in charge of something - I suggest clothes and laundry. Sorting babies too small clothes and buying new ones. Washing everyone's, folding, ironing and putting away.

That's a big job and he needs to be completely 100% in charge of it.

Oh ha ha @EuclidianGeometryFan snap!

My dh is in charge of ‘kitchen’, bins and cars. That is meal planning, food shopping, making (almost) all meals, cleaning the kitchen, paying cor the kids school lunches, petrol, car services, MOTs. I rarely get involved in ‘kitchen’ except for fun baking and lunches when I'm off work. I am bathrooms and laundry. We share most other things.

separate jobs might work.

While he was sipping his coffee and you were doing the tummy time and nappy changing…. Eh, why? Why didnt you hand baby to him.

You have to actually hand the baby to him once you’ve finished breastfeeding, you csn follow it with some instructions about nappy change or tummy time but you shouldnt have to. You just, “I’ve had no sleep but baby is freshly fed so you’re on duty snd i’m having time to myself.”

You have to open your mouth and speak.

I don't communicate well when I'm exhausted. I doubt many of us do.

It be will be a while before you are rested enough to discuss chores without getting cross.

What I suggest is a packet of tiny day glow post it notes for book pages. When you see a task that needs doing but you are too tired to communicate it. Stick a post it on.

Then tell him where he sees a post it, help by doing that job.

Keep them in your pocket.

My mum did this with my dad when he was oblivious to what needed doing. It helped a lot. It's a visual prompt without having to feel bad and cross about telling them, then reminding, then feeling bad for reminding again.

It's also a visual reminder for everyone to see what tasks need tackling. Kind friends might pitch in too.

We had similar disagreements. What solved it was agreeing a baseline list of non negotiable weekly tasks around the house eg dishes, clean sinks, empty bins, hoover, washing and after those were done if either of us felt like another random task it was fine to do whatever and the other parent didn’t need consulting. It saved a lot of overtired disagreements.

We've all been there I think.. I might say to mine at some point this week can you do the grass this week please. He will have to do it right this second no matter what I may or may not be doing or need. The absolute rage 🙈 we've had many a conversation it's like as soon as I give him stuff he has to tick it all off asap, never mind what needs to be done my end. He moans I nag but then moans I give him a list but I think does prefer a list. I have to spell it out with specifics 🤯 he's military! I have come to the conclusion that he just doesn't see the same level of stuff that we do. In his eyes, occasionally running the hoover round, emptying the bins and dishwasher is about all that needs doing. We do have a cleaner thank god but there is still lots of crap that needs doing on top of that.

Have you been feeling tearful, and low too? I think OP, lovely, you could check in with your GP/HV.

As for men, sometimes, and I know you're not his mum, you need to speak like he's a robot. Communication in the brutalist form 😆

Well, the list you made of what you had been doing (feeding,nappy changing etc)are all the same job- looking after the baby- so it’s fair your husband is pulling his weight in other areas eg when you are feeding.
It’s important to hand off the baby to another adult if you can and not make childcare solely your job. Like Mrs TP said upthread, getting to go off for a wander round the shops or do gardening is a nice break.
I totally ignored the feed on demand advice from the health visitor and got my babies into at least a 3 hour schedule asap so I wasn’t attached constantly. And I agree with splitting jobs and then not having anything to do with them- so maybe he takes kitchen and bins and you leave him to it.
It will get easier from now though. The first 3 months or so are ‘ Nam!

To make her happy??

Or to just bloody pull his weight with his family?

Does he not have eyes?
Who makes a list for OP for all the jobs that need doing?
He is an adult. He knows laundry needs doing and the kitchen needs cleaning he is just being a dick.

Do you always tell him the jobs he's doing are pointless? Cause you seem like mother martar nothing he'll do will be right! You're exclusively BFing so he can't help with that - for some reason instead of putting baby down you're balancing a coffee on your baby which you've then spilt! FFS! Grow up your not the first person in the world to have a new born!

No he was cleaning the kitchen just not in a good enough way for OP!

She's a control freak!