DH and made up jobs

[HateMyLife887]

First time mum to a 4 month old who doesn't love sleeping. Exclusively breastfeeding. So my baseline is just being totally exhausted all the time and can't think straight.

DH does this thing where he decides something needs doing even though i think there are more pressing things to do. Example, this morning. It gets to 11am and I am thoroughly exhausted and pissed off. I had done all childcare, feeding, nappy changing, tummy time, helping baby to nap, etc etc. What did he do? He sat for a whole 30 minutes gently sipping his coffee. Then washed some dishes (not all and didn't clean the kitchen) and spent the rest of the morning tidying a particular cupboard.

Yes, the cupboard sort of needed sorting at some point in the next 5 years. But the kitchen was an absolute greasy bomb, the laundry is piling up and I haven't even showered. I spilt coffee all over myself as I was trying to balance baby on my lap while drinking my very cold coffee.

So I had a go at him. He feels bad, starts ACTUALLY being helpful. But I'm exhausted, and now feel guilty too.

There's a whole atmosphere in the house where he acts like he's scared of me, while I feel bad and still doing the majority of the hard work.

Basically, in short, I feel like he gets to choose what he wants to do. While I get stuck with the shit tasks. Is this unfair or am I being unrealistic about life with a small baby?

This is so true. ironing is one in this house as you can watch TV whilst doing it!

Sorting out a cupboard is not cleaning a dirty kitchen. She is not a control freak he is purposely not doing the actual cleaning but doing something so he can say “ I’m trying to help” when he needs to grow and and do his share.

She's admitted he's scared of her! That's the proof she's a control freak at the very least at worst she's abusive and using him not doing housework in the way she wants to as a form of abuse! I'm sorry but no one should be proud to admit that their partner is scared of them.
Having a new born is no excuse for that!

Charming

Stop being so nice.
Be bolder. You want a shower, if your breast feeding, do that then hand him the baby and say , I will be 15 mins, I need a shower.
If you want a hot coffee, tell him does he want to have his coffee first, or second?
Washing up, hold baby or wash up.? His choice.

Is he scared of her or is he just hoping she’ll eventually stop ‘having a go’ about doing basic housework if he pulls the sad hurt feelings puppy eyes out? The op is allowed to be angry that he’s not pulling his weight, clearing a cupboard out instead of doing laundry or cleaning the kitchen. That’s not being a control freak, that’s seeing the imbalance for what it is. Men can see these things, their man brains do not wipe chores out of existence, they are actively ignoring them.

How do you think gay men in couples manage in the home - keeping it clean and caring for any children they may have?
Are they sitting around looking at each other, wondering when a woman will arrive and tell them what to do?

It should be joint responsibility for housework and baby care

We have a system of responsibilities here so dp does food shop (he drives) and does dishes after meals I cook only me because he doesn't know how to I clean the 3 bathrooms we have in the house we both tidy up and hoover both put washing on when and as is needed he doesn't need telling he just does things and so do it we're a partnership

Never mind he might be feeling overwhelmed with a new baby too?

OP is exclusively breast feeding so it’s not as though he can do that!

No she said he’s acting like he’s scared of her. She yelled and instead of him apologising or taking accountability he is trying to turn it around so she is at fault. And it’s working because she feels guilty when she shouldn’t.
He needs to stop acting like a baby and be a partner.

How about expressing some milk so that he can take over some of the feeds whilst you rest! DH and I did that and it made such a difference as it meaning he did the nappy change and settled DS after the feed.

He isn’t being a fair partner at all.

My daughter is 2 now, breastfed also. My husband actively took part in parenting without being asked. Once he was home from work he did every nappy change. Did most of the baths and getting her ready for bed. Because those he could do.

She was an easy baby so I managed to keep on top of the house most days but if he came home and I was still on PJs because it had been a hard day he cleaned up.

We still had issues. We’ve been together nearly 22 years and the change becoming parents is big. I have post natal depression and anxiety still and sometimes he goes back to incompetent man child.

You could apologise for yelling but explain that he needs to step up.

You sound exhausted. I remember that time, the lack of sleep and dealing with everything a new baby brings was so hard. I was also breast feeding and it felt like I had no break at all. There may be more background but based on what you’ve said, I think you need to speak with your DH and work out how to move together as a team. If you want to take a shower, tell him. Maybe he can do most of the nappy changes? Bath times? Decide together how you’ll do food for the week and what needs to be prioritised in the house. It’s ok if the house is messy at times. Get out of the house every day, just a little walk, a coffee somewhere. Select some box sets on Netflix or something that you can plough through together. It can take a little time to adjust with the arrival of a new baby and the main thing is to communicate honestly and respectfully with each other so you can work as a team. Good luck.