Estranged family and struggling at Christmas

[BrokenFamilyTies]

I’m writing on here to stop myself contacting my dysfunctional family. Forgive me for using this forum for this but it will be useful to have opinion, even if it differs to mine.

I am estranged from my mother, father and one sibling and her own family (my nieces and BIL).

After many years of being the none golden child and a series of very hurtful events I decided to go NC earlier this year. I asked them to respect this and not to contact me. They have done so. I don’t think it was too hard for them tbh. It was a huge decision I didn’t take lightly and was not a snap action without thought of the consequences.

Christmas is a difficult time and I’m struggling knowing they are all together. It was my choice to stop contact as I was tired of the abusive name calling and outright insensitive behaviour from them. Its hit me harder than I thought it would. However I also know that if things had carried on as normal I would also be feeling hurt from their unkind actions.

I know some will say they are doing as you asked and they are. But going NC with parents isn’t easy.

Anyone with any experience of this?

Other than a total reversal of their behaviour towards you and suddenly being a loving family (which obviously isn’t on the cards, however nice it would be) what do you actually want from your family?

Is it that you want to tell them you are NC but were hoping they’d message you anyway?

NC is hard. You do it because contact is damaging, but it’s natural to want them to miss you and reach out, even when experience tells you it won’t go well.

What did they do that made you do this?
To me it is massively drastic step to be taken as a last resort if the relationship is abusive.

Christmas is a difficult time and I’m struggling knowing they are all together

But it's all for show? In my own experience, when families are like this and a family member leaves, they just slowly turn on another family member? There is always a target.

It's all so fake. They look like their having a nice time from afar, but really their all saying bad things about each other once they part ways.

In my family, everyones been the SG at one point. I've been NC for years and once they could no longer target me, they slowly turned on each other.

Honestly, dont let it bother you. Their days together are no where near as nice as you think they are

That’s right it was a massive drastic step after years of secretive abusive behaviour.

Check out the stately homes thread on mn

No,it's not easy, and people just dont realise the sometimes decades of trauma that lead to such a decision

Thanks for your understanding.
My parents are with their golden child. I’ve tried to talk to her in the past but she totally dismisses my point of view. Her childhood was very different to mine.
I imagine BIL is finding it a tiresome time but parent and my sister will be happy.

I’m NC with my father. My sibling isn’t as he treats them differently. This is the first Christmas that they’ve been with him and I haven’t.

It’s hard, but you have to remember why you went NC. Your family won’t change. They will never become what you are missing.

Op

Sometimes we have to take steps to protect our own mental well-being and sadly that can even include cutting our own family out.

I know to many it’s inconceivable that parents can be so awful but I know of some people like this myself.

It is not easy as they are your identity.

sending virtual hugs

Good question - I don’t want contact as you say its
damaging when there is.

I guess the little girl inside me would like them to miss me - but that’s entirely unrealistic.

It’s natural to miss what you wanted your family to be. But it’s important to remember that they weren’t that, and even if they did reach out to you nothing would have changed. The old patterns would resume before long and you would be back in the same headspace that necessitated the NC in the first place. I had several periods of NC with my mother throughout my life, but always ‘relapsed’ after a few months. It’s now been four years since I’ve been in touch with her, and it is absolutely for the best. It’s important to remember how things really were, not how you wanted them to be, particularly at this time of year.

Hi OP, sorry to hear this. I'm NC with my dad, my mum died a long time ago and he immediately moved on to a new relationship and abandoned his grieving children.

I have built a life without him that feels safe to me, and nourishing. I have friends and my own family who love me as I am and always make me feel that I'm enough. My dad can't give me this - in his company I feel unsafe, always waiting for the next twisted outburst whereby he rationalises his crappy behaviour by making the situation my fault (to save him from feeling any guilt or remorse).

You can't make someone love you and treat you well, no matter how much you wish you could. The only healthy thing to do is to move on and love YOURSELF and treat YOURSELF well. You can do that. I wish you all the best and many happy future Christmases without them.

Going NC is like going through grief . Grief, not just from the loss of a person from your life but the loss of the relationships you longed for.

My advice, try to develop those loving relationships you desire and surround yourself with supportive and loving individuals. They don't have to be blood relatives but your tribe is out there! It's OK to feel like a hurt little girl but life is for living and phoenix's soar high so don't let it bog you down. Going NC can be rather freeing in time. Wishing you a happy New year.

Create yourself some new traditions. Do Christmas very differently and focus on enjoying yourself. You won't even think about them when you realise your new life is much happier. 💐

The sad thing is that these people will likely be saying things like oh she could have been here if she wasn’t so difficult, blah blah. They will rewrite history to suit their own narrative

I mean like I say I know parents like this - to a normal person its absolutely unbelievable the sorts of things they do, the favouritism and how they can recoil in horror if you try address things.

It leaves you feeling ashamed and feeling like a trouble maker!

If it so bad NC has been implemented there's a very high chance your skipping reality a bit. Them all being together apparently is a danger zone for you. Nothing pleasant about it.
You have to bear that in mind.Try not to view it as you are "missing" something,if reality is it was toxic and awful.

You are exactly right. I will be the one who’s caused all this upset - she’s been the difficult one all her life - I can hear it now.

Luckily I have an incredibly supportive DH who understands and has seen them in action so knows where I’m coming from. His family are very different but he understands.

Very true - thanks for the reality. I know if I was there I’d be feeling crappy with the outrageous favouritism and snidey comments pushed my way throughout.

I am also non-contact with family of origin. It's now 4 years and in that time I've also needed to go very low contact with a whole host of flying monkeys who didn't understand (because my FOO were great at having a public persona and a private one which were like Jekyll and Hyde) and would inadvertently give them updates about my life.
It's really hard, especially at this time of the year. It brings up a whole load of memories that are tricky to deal with.

I was NC with my parents for a long time - some Christmases I spent on my own, which I really enjoyed, others I'd go on holiday or spend with my sister or friends. Can't say I ever missed being with my parents.
Next year, as being on your own hasn't been great - arrange to do something with others, even if it's volunteering for the day/holiday.

OP you don't have to answer why you went NC and what 'they did'.

Are you able to distract yourself when you feel the impulse to contact them? Can you treat yourself (the girl inside you) to something? What would you enjoy?

Do you have a diary or similar you could read again to remind yourself of the upset they caused you? Recall any situations that contributed to your decision?

They have not changed and will remain in denial forever. I also carry the label 'the difficult one' and they 'dont know what was so bad they did'.

Despite what you are saying I know it’s unbelievably hard - I think it’s our instinct to want to be with our family at Xmas despite all that would entail.

I don’t know if it gets easier as this time of year just seems quite emotive

I'm nc with my toxic family and I know that they will never change at all but I get the upset too. It's almost like a final confirmation that you meant nothing to them all along. Thats a hard pill to swallow even though you walked away , because a part of you always wishes and hopes that they'll come to their senses and change and want to do better so they can have you in their lives.
Big hugs from me op. I'm there too but I console myself with knowing it's the best choice in the long run

Yes. It's just me and dd. My estranged family don't love me so I made my own, a la the song Matilda by Harry Styles

You will be ok. This is just the first christmas without them, it'll get easier with time. Stick to your guns.

You have to remind yourself of how badly they hurt you, because if you go back, it won't change. If they wanted to change they would've done so by now.

Keep going, op x

Bloody hard isn’t it? I miss my parents and wider family so much I ache. It is loss. You are grieving. Are you in therapy? Therapy helps me keep up the boundaries and work through the feelings from when I was a child but also now.
Because people aren’t well bad are they? No one is a monster, so you miss the good. You miss the familiarity. You miss what you at least had a glimpse of.
I don’t know the answer other than to provide solidarity. You have your reasons and you’ve made your decision, stick to it and allow yourself to miss them and be hurt. You’ve suffered a loss. It’s as if they have died. Be kind to yourself.

I think you are missing the family you hoped they be but people don't go NC for no reason . You have to ask if you got back in touch would they have changed .