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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want us to move an hour from his family to be closer to mine?

38 replies

GeraldineGrang3r · 28/12/2024 12:35

Currently live very close to DPs family. My family are just over 3 hours away and due to recent health scares with my family, I want to move closer to them, ideally within the next 1-2 years. Logistically speaking it's a faff moving, realistically speaking long term we'd need to find different jobs (we both work in niche roles so that's not straightforward), we'd potentially need a second car depending on where we can find a house / jobs etc. No DC yet but our original plan was to start TTC next year so that would add in additional logistics.

I want us to move 1 hour from here so that we're just over 2 hours away from my family and it would still mean we'd live in a decent area. DP is not 100% sure as he likes living close to him family, his Mum wants to help out with childcare etc (despite us not actually having any DC yet). AIBU to want us to move further from his family? I know 2 hours isn't just round the corner but it feels far more manageable for me than driving 3+ hours each way.

OP posts:
Mandylovescandy · 28/12/2024 12:39

Not unreasonable to want to move but does sound like it would be difficult for you both with your work so can see why he wouldn't be keen.

Ablondiebutagoody · 28/12/2024 12:47

Sounds like a massive PITA to go from driving 3 hours to 2.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 28/12/2024 12:58

I vetoed moving to the middle of our parents. You are always having to travel, you might as well have at least one set on the doorstep.

Are there train options for visiting you parents? Or could you move the full distance?

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 28/12/2024 13:29

I think moving to be midway between families leads to more faffing around not less. And it's a huge disruption and very expensive just with stamp duty and moving costs and probably doing work on the new home.
Are there no other ways you could put this money and effort into supporting your family from where you are?

Undisclosedlocation · 28/12/2024 13:31

Hmm that sounds like the worst of both worlds really.
Instead of being nearby to one, you’d be close to neither

Createausername1970 · 28/12/2024 13:37

As others have said, you will potentially have the worst of both worlds and have the stress that moving and changing jobs involves, let alone the upheaval of (hopefully) adding a new baby to the mix.

Stay where you are.

Would it be more practical for your parents to move closer to you?

Bpod1 · 28/12/2024 13:38

I does sound like it would be better if you stay where you are. It might be better to convince your parents to move closer to you rather than the other way round. Once you do have kids, you might regret moving further away from your in-laws especially if they are willing to help with childcare

KrisAkabusi · 28/12/2024 13:39

You're moving from where you have one set of parents/available grandparents/potential free childminders, to where you have none. It doesn't make sense to me to move for the sake of an hour closer. It doesn't make a lot of difference to travel, and it makes it more inconvenient for the other person.

MagneticSquirrel · 28/12/2024 13:40

2hrs is not that much easier than 3hrs when you are doing hospital visits and caring type things. I’d be moving a lot closer than that, eg 30 mins it health issues and providing support is likely.

Agree with PP that being 1hr from DPs family and 2hrs from yours is the worst of both worlds, they won’t be able to help out as much with kids etc if they are any hour away.

You’ll both be more isolated.

BunsenBurnerBaby · 28/12/2024 13:41

this is bonkers. You have work where you are and have niche jobs and are close to one family? Stay where you are rather than move somewhere close to neither family and your ability to be close to work is compromised. Give your head a wobble.

Birch101 · 28/12/2024 13:47

We are in the same town as my inlaws and 3hrs away from my parents.

Honestly I wouldn't move to the middle unless there was a great job/lifestyle etc. We have a child and it's invaluable having emergency care so close by especially if you both plan on working so we manage it now as having less frequent longer trips to my parents utilizing working from home where possible to reduce the need for AL

Whaleandsnail6 · 28/12/2024 13:48

I agree with previous posts. Its a lot of faff to be close to neither family.

Its hard living away from family but sadly, with the way your families are spread, you will either always be close to one and a long way from the other, or a fair way from both and if your current lives are set up and settled where you are now, I can see why your husband is reluctant to move.

Emotionalsupporthamster · 28/12/2024 13:50

If you’re thinking about having kids and the parents you’re currently nearby are keen to help out with childcare you’d be mad to move.

SALaw · 28/12/2024 13:50

I'd say with kids it is easier to live closer to one set of grandparents, even if that means further away from the other, rather than quite far from both. That way they can help you, you will find visiting one easier etc

Hankunamatata · 28/12/2024 14:01

Sounds like the worst of both worlds moving in the middle.

Pottedpalm · 28/12/2024 14:18

Ablondiebutagoody · 28/12/2024 12:47

Sounds like a massive PITA to go from driving 3 hours to 2.

Hmm.. we find a two hour each way trip is doable in a day , whereas six hours driving is too much

Tarantella6 · 28/12/2024 14:28

I think when you've got 3 hours between families you are better off sticking close to one. You'll be too far away to have any benefit from being closer to DP's family and still too far to be much use to your own family - worst of both worlds like pp have said.

lunar1 · 28/12/2024 14:31

For the sake of an hours extra driving, you would inconvenience yourselves in literally every other way.

Haveanaiceday · 28/12/2024 14:31

Any chance of your family moving closer to you?

TwinklyAmberOrca · 28/12/2024 14:59

YABU.

At least now you live really close to your DH's family.

By moving an hour away, it would be a 2 hour round trip to DHs family and a 4 hour round trip to your parents. That's pointless. Really daft!

Either stay put, move within 15 minutes from your parents, or get your parents to move where you are.

nam3c4ang3 · 28/12/2024 15:02

Absolutely ridiculous idea - so you inconvenience you AND your husband?! Stay put or move totally to where your parents are.

Bournetilly · 28/12/2024 15:10

I think it’s better to be near to one of your families, especially if his mum is offering to help out with childcare. I wouldn’t move just to save an hour.

fanaticalfairy · 28/12/2024 15:14

Agree that the upheaval isn't worth it to make your self at awkward distances away from both sides.

Once you have kids, his parents probably won't want to drive 1hr to child mind etc.

And 3 hrs isn't that much more than 2 hrs - as you'd not be just popping in at that drive, surely?

ForeverPombear · 28/12/2024 15:14

I also wouldn't do all that just to save an hour. It'll work out being a faff seeing both sides rather than just one.

It also doesn't sound like it would be that easy work wise.

Whattochoose1 · 28/12/2024 15:36

It sounds selfish but...think about childcare would be my advice. My parents wouldn't travel an hour to look after grandkids for a few hours but if we've found ourselves in a pickle with school pickups etc living so close has been very fortunate.

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