Time to date but no time to see child?

[nc896]

I think I just need a rant more than anything.

Split up with ex around 4 months ago. My choice. He was a terrible partner and father.

We share a very young child, under 2.

He's seen DC 3 times since the split, and not at all in 3 months. He's go no time apparently due to work.

But I've found out through mutual friends that he's in a new relationship. So he's had time to date and meet someone new, but not see our child.

I also wonder what he has told the new woman about why he doesn't see his child. Probably that I am a nightmare, which I'm not.

He didn't even see our child for Christmas, send a card or gift.

AIBU to be annoyed and hurt for my child?

It is really sad that he’s not showing more interest in your child.

really hope he is supporting him financially?

you can’t force him to have a relationship with his son. The choice is his.

focus on giving your boy a lovely life full of love and care - it’s lovely if both parents are involved - but if he choses not to be that is totally on him.

If he was a crap father when you were together, he is probably not going to become brilliant dad now you apart but the lack of contact and no Christmas present is unacceptable. Are there legal.lines u can explore for lack of contact? Also if he is not contributing towards his child' s upkeep I would be dealing with that. If in any discussions re no time I would not mention the dating. Don't let him.think u are bothered

He does pay maintenance now, because I went to CMS (only just started getting it). This caused him to say that I'm a gold digger and money orientated).

He also sent me a few nasty messages on Christmas Day, saying that I've put our child in this position (I think he means by ending the relationship) and painting himself as victim which I haven't responded to.

He hasn't asked to see our child in months and certainly never asked to see them on Christmas Day.

Email him and ask what contact pattern he would like.

I've done that before @fuzzychic and he says he cannot commit to a contact pattern due to work.

So if he is a terrible father why would you want him around your child?

What a twat

It certainly does you did the right thing leaving him!
And had you stayed, this pathetic fatherly interest would be in the child's face and writ large with all the consequences of feelings of rejection etc.

As awful as it is, at least you know his child is barely on his radar when it comes to where he puts his efforts, so you can save your child a lot of heartache by setting expectations accordingly (not slagging him off just not leaving him open to being let down).

You can only control what you do & not what he does

so I’d just make a really good life for yourself and your child without him

Easiest than done I realise but you need to just carry on with your life as if he doesn’t exist.
He sounds an absolute prat, at some point you will come crawling back wanting to see the children, they might not want to see him at that stage.

Not in an unsafe way. In a way that he was selfish and left it all to me. I thought at the very least he would see them EOW.

Your ex is a horrible person.
You cannot change that.
Try and exclude him now, he does not care about his child, sad but true.
Make sure you keep up with CMS.
Stop engaging with him. If he ever wants to see his child then he will have to me and the effort.
If course he will tell everyone that you are the problem. Do people still believe this?
Anyhow, stop caring what he thinks.
Finally, make sure you use contraception. Do not have another child until you are in a very stable relationship. No matter what any future partner says, men like your ex are very, very common. So many fathers do not care one jot about their own children. Take heed.

Sadly he cannot be relied upon to play a part in your child’s life and you have no control over this. Carry on giving your child a good life. Once they are older your child will realise for themselves their father is not to be relied upon.

Sounds like you are spending energy being upset by something that was pretty much expected. Now he's paying money, take it each month and move on with your life. He doesn't care about your child so focus your energy on a life with friends and family who will love and support you and your child and ignore the loser. He isn't going to change and rather than expecting him to, now you need to protect your child from all that heartache.

When he messaged you on Christmas Day, I would have replied.

‘Do you never want to see DC again? It’s been 3 months and there has been no contact. No Christmas presents either. I mean, I knew you were a shit Dad which is why I wanted to split, but having no contact with your baby ever again is quite extreme. Have they upset you? I know I have, but surely you want to maintain some sort of relationship? Let me know so I can manage things this end, I can’t have you coming in and out of DC life. But at the moment you just seem out.

I wouldn’t mention him dating, because then it sounds like you’re bothered.

So he has narcissistic traits - not accountable for his own actions.

It's upsetting but the alternative is he turns up when he feels like it, and will most likely repeatedly let your child down. I don't think you want this person in his life. Definitely not influencing your child.

I won't be having any other children, I'm not looking to meet anyone. My child is young I'm just focusing on them and myself.

I'm not bothered about him being in another relationship, it's the fact he's used the excuse of not having time to maintain a relationship with his child, but has had time to build a relationship with a new woman.

I found out through mutual friends, I believe he's posted stories on social media of himself and his girlfriend enjoying Christmas together.

He never asked to see our child for Christmas, so I'm not sure what the need for the nasty messages on the day were. It was late into the evening so I thought at the time he may be drunk.

He doesn't sound nice, good riddance but in fairness re dating, this could be in the evenings once a young child is in bed so not necessarily at a time where you could make your dc available for contact

It could be, but you'd like to think someone would focus on doing their fair share of parenting before prioritising that.

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2 I do think he has narcissistic traits, but I think most people think this about their exes.

The confusing bit about the Christmas message is- last year when we were together, he spent barely any time with myself and our child over the holiday period. He spent half a day on Christmas with us when we saw his family, spent the rest of the time going out with mates, long periods at the gym when it was open. Going out to watch sport etc.

Unfortunately, as sad as it is for your child, you can do nothing other than keep the door open for your ex to see his child. If he doesn't take those opportunities, then you can't force him too. All you can do, is reassure your child (especially as they grow older and understand more) that Dad's absence is not their fault, and they've done nothing wrong to make their Dad not see them. You state your ex was a terrible Father prior to you splitting, so the fact that pattern has continued now you're not together, isn't surprising. Of course 'work' is an excuse; he simply can't be bothered and isn't very interested. You can't force him to participate in your child's life. He's either made up rubbish about you being awful and not 'allowing' him to see his child or hasn't told his new partner he even has a child. I suspect the first one, as it's more convenient and he can admit to having a child, rather than hiding them.

I would make sure there’s a paper trail (texts or emails) of you behaving reasonably so that you can contradict any lies he may tell DC in the future.

She knows we have a child. She's been looking at my Instagram stories. I didn't realise it was his new gf until I was told her name the other day. I've made my account private now, I don't use it much anyway or put pictures of our child on there. There is one from when they were born and that was it, which I've archived now.

Makes us sound very young but both mid 30s. I think the new gf is quite a bit younger.

And yes knowing he was a terrible Dad when we were together I fully expected him deep down to not put the effort in, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me on behalf of my poor child.

I was hurt over Christmas and his lack of effort regardless, the knowing he's in a new relationship and has prioritised that has just added extra sadness for my child.

It sounds like he never wanted to be a parent.

He didn't message because he wanted to see his son.

He messaged because he isn't comfortable with his actions not seeing him, possibly being wound up by his new gf and family, and decided to make it your fault.