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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so hurt after a small push?

52 replies

RosieG98 · 28/12/2024 02:19

Looking for advice but not sure about posting details.

Can people please advise how they'd feel/react if partner pushed them during an argument, but the push wasn't hard/ didn't cause damage? This has never happened before and I'm quite upset, but wondering if I'm overreacting as it wasn't hard at all.

OP posts:
CobraChicken · 28/12/2024 02:31

That depends. Pushed you during a purely verbal argument? Totally unacceptable. Shoved you away because you were invading their personal space and/or getting physical and wouldn't back off? I see that as a very different scenario.

Original poster
RosieG98 · 28/12/2024 02:39

CobraChicken · 28/12/2024 02:31

That depends. Pushed you during a purely verbal argument? Totally unacceptable. Shoved you away because you were invading their personal space and/or getting physical and wouldn't back off? I see that as a very different scenario.

I was trying to leave the room during argument, and he blocked the doorway and pushed me. It's the first time anything like this has happened at all. I am not injured or hurt. I just feel upset.

OP posts:
CobraChicken · 28/12/2024 02:57

I'm so sorry OP. I would consider that to fall into the first example and it's physical abuse. I would not give them a chance to do it, or worse, ever again. x

buttonousmaximous · 28/12/2024 03:02

How long have you been together? Has anything like it happened before? Did you feel scared? Was he shouting/swearing/agressive tone? Do you trust him not to hurt you?

I'd consider this the first rung of physical abuse, my concern would be that this would escalate in the future.

TandyhatesAmanda · 28/12/2024 03:05

I have lived with my husband for 23 years and we have not had a situation where I have tried to leave a room during a row. We do argue of course, but it doesn't reach that point. I lived with someone before him where it was like this, the leaving the room and the push. Forget the push for a minute and think about the rows, life isn't supposed to be like that, it is possible to live reasonably calmly with another person. In my previous relationship, drink was usually involved, for me, it isn't one part of this, it's the whole dynamic that sounds a bit off, the way you are doubting yourself. As the pp said, for all I know he was acting defensively etc but whatever, it isn't the best way to live. I'm 50 something now and thank the angels every day I am free to be blunderful old me and be respected and loved despite that. Sorry it's happened, I know how you are feeling but try not to doubt yourself. It isn't ok, any of it.

pikkumyy77 · 28/12/2024 03:06

If he isn’t shocked and apologetic you are definitely at risk of escalating abuse. If he is shocked and apologetic you are just very highly likely to eventually come in for more abuse.

TandyhatesAmanda · 28/12/2024 03:06

Oh, one last thing. Stop feeling sorry for him, he needs to process this and decide how he is going to deal with the aftermath. 🌻

ZippyCat · 28/12/2024 03:08

It's not acceptable this is still domestic abuse

maybelou · 28/12/2024 03:11

Get out now OP, the boundary has been crossed and there's no coming back from it. Protect yourself.

CatsndtheBear · 28/12/2024 03:34

If he gets away with a push, he knows he will get away with a punch.

I have zero tolerance for putting your hands on someone else (unless in self defence).

This would be a deal breaker for me.
A lot of men test the waters and escalate slowly so that they can gaslight you... And you are already questioning yourself because you aren't "hurt".
But you are hurt, emotionally, because he has now broken trust.

And the abuse doesn't have to leave bruises.

HollyIvyLeague · 28/12/2024 03:35

You are hurt because he's shown you that he's willing to physically dominate and intimidate you, to get physical during an argument. You are not over reacting.

Liveafr · 28/12/2024 03:45

I'm sorry OP, it's abuse and it's not acceptable.

ThisAvalanche · 28/12/2024 03:49

There isn't a line in the sand where physical force 'doesn't matter' because it wasn't hard or didn't hurt you. Should you wait until it hurts? The next time he pushes that bit harder?

I'm really sorry, OP.

Flatandhappy · 28/12/2024 03:51

Never downplay physical violence, a “small push” is still an assault and your partner needs to know that if he ever tries it again he will end up explaining himself to the police. If he tries to minimise what he has done make it clear that he still could.

XChrome · 28/12/2024 03:52

This kind of thing often escalates to full on beatings. If he gets away with a push, he will think he can do more. Please get away from him before he harms you.

CarolinaWren · 28/12/2024 03:57

I'm with @CatsndtheBear. I have zero tolerance for any and all physical violence, including shoving, "playing" and "jokes." Verbal and financial abuse, too, for that matter.

eaque · 28/12/2024 03:57

I think blocking you from leaving the room is the problem, not the push. Overriding your decision to walk away, and physical intimidation.

user1492757084 · 28/12/2024 03:58

I would feel quite sick to my stomach. I would be seeking professional quidance for how to deal with discussions, arguments and communication for the long term health of my marriage.
I would settle for nothing less than an apology and an agreement to seek help A.S.A.P.

eaque · 28/12/2024 03:59

I don't mean the push is not a problem, just that the blocking is worse. You are not overreacting. I'm sorry.

TinnyTones · 28/12/2024 04:18

pikkumyy77 · 28/12/2024 03:06

If he isn’t shocked and apologetic you are definitely at risk of escalating abuse. If he is shocked and apologetic you are just very highly likely to eventually come in for more abuse.

Please take note of this comment as I came on to say the same. I have never worried about this or been in this kind of situation with my DH but if I experienced it once, I'd be expecting it again and it would be a deal-breaker for me.

You're not overreacting. Even a small push can be a test and sign of things to come.

Popcorn63 · 28/12/2024 05:05

Make a plan and get away from this abusive man.

Shoxfordian · 28/12/2024 05:17

It's unacceptable and could escalate into more violence
Leave him as soon as you can

Ellie56 · 28/12/2024 05:35

You feel upset because your partner has crossed a line which you never thought he'd do.
This is abuse and if you stay is just the beginning. Don't put up with it as so many women do.Run for the hills now.

ThatKhakiMoose · 28/12/2024 05:41

Men have driven me utterly insane in the past with their totally unreasonable behavior. Not once have I had to urge to push or shove them, let alone anything else.

There's just something so horrible about a man pushing a woman. It's the polar opposite of what a man is supposed to be. My feelings would die.

Agree with others. This is a gateway to abuse.

Lurkingandlearning · 28/12/2024 05:51

It always starts with a push, I think. Or some other hostile contact that doesn’t necessarily hurt but makes you very aware how easy it would be for them to hurt you should they want to.

He was also showing you that he decides when you can leave a room, when you can stop listening to his shit.

End it because it will get worse.

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