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Original poster

To feel so hurt after a small push?

52 replies

RosieG98 · 28/12/2024 02:19

Looking for advice but not sure about posting details.

Can people please advise how they'd feel/react if partner pushed them during an argument, but the push wasn't hard/ didn't cause damage? This has never happened before and I'm quite upset, but wondering if I'm overreacting as it wasn't hard at all.

OP posts:
YouTellEmBigD · 28/12/2024 06:22

The actual "push" isn't all - he demonstrated that he had the power. He was in control of you - whether you could leave the room, and you were at his whim. He could have done anything, and you couldn't have stopped him.
He will downplay it as "in the heat of the moment" and try to turn it to be your fault "you were hysterical, you raised your voice' or even say he was scared of you, but what he was actually doing was showing you that he is in charge and you aren't.
Run! He showed you who he really is. Believe him.
This must have been a horrible shock to you, and you must be thinking all sorts, but don't get dragged into thinking you were in the wrong, or "but he's been lovely for so long" and "it's never happened before" - if you accept the push (and all it implies), you'll accept the slap, and the verbal abuse, and eventually worse.
Good luck lovely.

Kingoftheroad · 28/12/2024 07:32

GET OUT NOW. This is how abuse starts. Trust me, it’ll get worse. Leave as soon as possible and have nothing else to do with him

tallwivglasses · 28/12/2024 07:42

He pushed you and presumably you backed down and didn't leave the room. What if you hadn't backed down and tried to leave the room again? A harder push? But he didn't need to, did he, because he'd already shown you who's boss. I'm sorry, OP.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 28/12/2024 07:53

RosieG98 · 28/12/2024 02:39

I was trying to leave the room during argument, and he blocked the doorway and pushed me. It's the first time anything like this has happened at all. I am not injured or hurt. I just feel upset.

Show quote history

Blocking your exit would be a total deal-breaker for me, even without the push.

Has he shown any remorse? How long have you been together? Do you have children?

Dobbythechristmaself · 28/12/2024 07:53

He’s shown you he can and will cross the line and abuse you. How do you think it’s starts for the vast majority of physically abused women?

fuzzychic · 28/12/2024 07:54

RosieG98 · 28/12/2024 02:39

I was trying to leave the room during argument, and he blocked the doorway and pushed me. It's the first time anything like this has happened at all. I am not injured or hurt. I just feel upset.

Show quote history

That would be unacceptable and I'd be making plans to leave

AsTheLightFades · 28/12/2024 07:55

Please leave as soon as possible.
This won't be the last time he does this if you let him get away with it.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 28/12/2024 08:11

Personally I'd be out the door. Small push now means he thinks he can do more later.

orangewasp · 28/12/2024 08:21

I wouldn't stay with a man who physically pushed me around because I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I didn't feel 100% safe all the time.

Pipconkermash · 28/12/2024 09:17

RosieG98 · 28/12/2024 02:39

I was trying to leave the room during argument, and he blocked the doorway and pushed me. It's the first time anything like this has happened at all. I am not injured or hurt. I just feel upset.

Show quote history

I’m very sad to say that this is just the beginning. This will get worse.

ChristmasFluff · 28/12/2024 09:22

I thought nothing at all of the first incident like that with the abusive ex. My mother was abusive, it was nothing new.

The first push I remember was when he pushed me so hard against a wall that it took me off my feet and my legs buckled as I hit the wall. But he held me up with his forearm over my neck. I didn't end the relationship though. Well, I did, but I took him back, so it wasn't ending it really.

I didn't end it when he punched me unconscious, or blacked my eyes, or split my lip, or kicked and punched me until he fell unconscious from heroin, or dislocated my jaw.

I did end it eventually, with lots of support from the Police and Social Services.

Don't be me. End it now, before he escalates. And he WILL escalate.

Isthisexpected · 28/12/2024 09:27

If you've been together 25 years and this is totally out of character and he is mortified my response would be different to PP. I wouldn't end my marriage instantly. I would want to see how he responded.

Enough4me · 28/12/2024 09:33

He blocked your exit and put his hands on you. Neither of these actions can be condoned.
You are not safe and this situation could escalate.
If you read up on DV, it generally starts small, things 'forgotten', items 'lost', 'accidentally' broken, a body stood in the way, a 'small' tap...just trying to help you.
It builds, you need to get out.

Enough4me · 28/12/2024 09:37

OP, are you often in the position of being 'corrected', find it easier to accept that you're wrong. Worry about being wrong?
Told you're over reacting?
(Notice any patterns?)

ehb102 · 28/12/2024 11:25

That isn't a small push. That's a man using his superior physical strength to control and dominate you, trapping you in a room with him and showing you he has physical power over you. Take it seriously, please.

Agix · 28/12/2024 11:31

I'd consider leaving, but would obviously take all context into account.

My partner is very gentle and has never even really raised his voice at me, let alone blocked and pushed me. If he pushed me suddenly I'd be terribly hurt and concerned, and would wonder if I even knew who he was anymore.

Original poster
RosieG98 · 28/12/2024 11:41

Thanks everyone. I'm absolutely gutted to be honest. We were having an argument because he tracked mud in over a rug I'd just washed and dried the same day. He denied it was him and said the rug wasn't on the floor when he came in. Which is when I get exasperated at the lie - and because it's so easy to avoid by taking shoes off at the door.

His answer was then telling me to F off, which I ignored and went through to deal with laundry. He kept telling me condescendingly to calm down even though I was silent and just putting the washing on. Then when I tried to go upstairs he blocked the door - it was after the push I verbally challenged him in shock and anger and walked past.

He then followed me up the stairs and asked what was wrong, and I told him I'd lost all respect for him. He said he simply put his hands on my shoulders and not to make this something that it's not. But he did bloody push me.

Today he's messaged apologising about the rug but nothing else. It's definitely not a muddy rug that I'm so hurt by. I can't believe he can't even acknowledge the line he has crossed.

I had so much stuff planned to do today and I'm sitting rotting in bed.

Been together for seven years, and he's never done anything like this before.

OP posts:
WhoPutTheBomp · 28/12/2024 11:56

I'm so sorry.

You have had a terrible shock, he has shown you what he is capable of.

What you do with this information is a different question.

We can say to you that this here, the push and block, this is the beginning. You may need real life support to work out what to do - but don't you ever forget in the meantime, that he blocked your attempt to walk away and he pushed you and he can do it harder next time. You'll be unwise to trust he won't.

Original poster
RosieG98 · 28/12/2024 11:56

It really is completely uncharacteristic. I have experienced a volatile partner in the past and have always felt so secure and safe with DH. And been proud of our relationship. Its maybe melodramatic but I feel so gutted that I can no longer say or think "he'd never lay as much as a finger on me".

Thank you so much to everyone who has given advice and support on this thread. I can't speak about this to friends for multiple reasons. So I really appreciate everything everyone has said, otherwise I'd have been completely alone in figuring it out.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 28/12/2024 12:34

He treats you like the skivvy, lies blatantly to avoid even the hint of feeling like he has made a mistake, fakes a cause of action (accuses you of anger and unreasonableness when you retreat) and then apologizes for something that is not the real problem. That is DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Its also called the narcissist’s prayer:

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

I really don’t think this came out of nowhere and I don’t think it is as uncharacteristic in him as you think now. I hope, as you start processing this more consciously—because you are very much in shock still—you can start to see this man more clearly.

TinnyTones · 28/12/2024 15:33

@RosieG98 I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm concerned that his response is very indicative of someone who's going to continue to gaslight you and completely downplay his behaviour. It means he sees no problem with it and it's likely to happen again.

Apologising about 'the rug' is his way of apologising about the incident without putting it in writing. I'd be putting it in writing by responding to say that you were scared, shocked, etc. about him berating you, blocking your exit and pushing you then denying he even did it, and note this is highlighted by his text as he won't even apologise for what he's actually done.

I'd 100% be making every move to leave immediately and wouldn't look into discussing it any further. Unfortunately for a lot of people, DV can occur over the Christmas period out of nowhere.

Don't try and find reasons or excuses for him, even after all this time. It's a slippery slope.

WigglyVonWaggly · 28/12/2024 16:13

The context all around this incident - lying, swearing at you, the condescending tone when you were being totally quiet, blocking the exit and pretending the push didn’t happen but was only hands on your shoulders - it’s all horrible. All of it smacks of someone unable to take responsibility and communicate with respect. The fact that the push didn’t hurt isn’t the problem - it’s more the motive for him doing it. Was he clumsily trying to steer you back in the room to continue to talk to him? Or was it a push to show you that you’d only get to leave when he said so? And when he texted you about the rug, that seems cowardly: had he had an opportunity to speak to you in person or was this his only way to communicate? I’m trying to work out why he was not speaking to you directly. Not mentioning the push at all may be his somewhat deluded way of trying to reassure himself that he did nothing wrong.

Maddy70 · 28/12/2024 16:29

CobraChicken · 28/12/2024 02:31

That depends. Pushed you during a purely verbal argument? Totally unacceptable. Shoved you away because you were invading their personal space and/or getting physical and wouldn't back off? I see that as a very different scenario.

Yes I agree with this

OhshitSharon · 28/12/2024 16:58

It's all physical abuse really isn't it, he physically stopped you from leaving the room and thought nothing of using his physical strength to push you, that can't really be anything other than abusive. The shock you're feeling is completely normal and to be expected, the person you thought you knew has just become someone entirely different before your eyes, the mask has slipped. And now you know what's behind it you will never be able to fully relax around him, how can you if you're constantly waiting for it to happen again? And then there's the message you're sending to him if you stay, that he can use physical means to make you do what he wants and you still won't leave. He's killed your relationship by doing what he's done OP, it's just a matter of how quickly you accept that and how long you're willing to keep flogging a dead horse now. Personally I would be out of there now in your shoes, life is far too short to live in fear.

outerspacepotato · 28/12/2024 17:11

You're in the cycle of abuse. There's rising tension, abusive incident, reconciliation where there are apologies and promises of it will never happen again, and a period of calm. But it's a cycle.

Blocking you from leaving is considered domestic violence where I am as is physical pushing. You've been physically abused.

His actions have showed you who he is.

What would I do? Leave now and go back for my things with a police escort and block him everywhere. I would tell my friends because they would be supportive.