Burnt out over Christmas every year

[francesca19]

DH and I have 1 DD who is almost 18 months old. Let me start by asking family members to limit the gifts as she still doesn't understand and has lots of toys and books already.

We both come from split families and I just find Christmas so overwhelming and not enjoyable, I'm sat in bed in tears I'm so so tired and drained. I am a homebody, I love my friends and family and the odd get together once a month or so, I take DD to meet with friends at soft play or similar a couple times of week etc so I'm not antisocial but my DH is complete other end of the scale.

Christmas Eve, I pictured us wrapping DD's presents and building her toy shop with a glass of baileys and an early ish night. Nope. He invited friends over who stayed until almost midnight.

Christmas Day from 9am he'd invited his dad & Stepmum and my mum & stepdad over for breakfast, they stayed until 12 then we went straight to his grandparents until 2 then to my Dad & Stepmum's for dinner, ended up staying until gone 11.

Boxing Day, I went to my Dad's again to see half siblings then my Mum expected us over for dinner so there in the afternoon.

Today, I got up and the sheer amount of toys DD got for Christmas made me want to cry, we live in a 2 bed quite spacious new build flat but you couldn't even see the living room floor (I do have anxiety, depression and OCD which I manage with meds) but this just set my anxiety off as he invited friends over again from 5pm today (they've just left).

I've spent the day cleaning/tidying/shoving shit into cupboards until I can get to ikea tomorrow and get a kallax unit.

I've shoved half of the unopened gifts into a storage box to wrap for her birthday (I know this sounds awful but my 19 month old does not need this many toys, all of them are unwrapped but I'd say a good 20 presents are unopened from the box).

We are again, at friends tomorrow with all of the kids to do secret Santa which I'm actually looking forward to as love us and the kids all getting together in one space.

BUT I am exhausted, after the kids party tomorrow, he's invited his grandparents round on Sunday for lunch.

He says Christmas is for seeing family and friends and I agree up to a certain point but I really feel like I cannot cope with it all. I gave DD an extra long bath tonight just so I could sit in the bathroom for half hour and escape it all.

All I want to do is have a couple of "slow days", comfies on, nice walk to the park and back, home to play with toys and books, dinner, bath for us all and then put DD to bed (I'm so lucky she sleeps 7pm-8am) and sit on the sofa in my pjs with my kindle, candles lit and just have some quiet time.

My head feels like it's going to roll off my shoulders constantly thinking about what plans we have, what time, when people are coming over making sure the house is clean and tidy etc etc.

Does anyone else struggle with Christmas like this?

I even suggested we go abroad next year, we both love Barbados, I said shall we go Christmas Eve and coming back 3rd Jan and he told me to stop being ridiculous, that we couldn't go on holiday for Christmas we have friends and family.

I'm tempted to book a flight on my own at this rate 🤦🏻‍♀️

I'm so utterly overwhelmed and feel like I can't breathe.

I've asked for a happy medium next year, friends and family Christmas Day and Boxing Day but Christmas Eve and a couple days after Boxing Day, keep them free for quiet days but apparently I'm miserable.

I don't know who's right/wrong here, is there a wrong or right? Should we be able to compromise in this situation?!

Let me start by asking family members to limit the gifts as she still doesn't understand and has lots of toys and books already.

This was meant to say "let me start by saying I asked" and I meant to put "they didn't take any notice" at the end.

Do you actually communicate with him? He can't just steam roller your views on this but it doesn't seem like you've had a proper chat about all this. Are you neurodiverse? You need to find a compromise not just run away to Barbados or spend all the time with family - find the middle ground.

I feel for you, OP, but you really do need to communicate your needs to DH. My own DH is not a Christmas person; meaning he's not into all the eating, prep and socializing. We manage to keep it to a busy lunch at ours, but then everyone's gone by about 4pm and we have a quiet evening to ourselves.

You need to prioritize your needs as well as his. Can you shorten any of the visits, or combine them? Or even send DH and daughter to his relatives and you stay home?

I am a complete extrovert. This schedule would even send me under. Also agree with the present thing. It's ridiculous. They need nothing sat that age. maybe 5 presents max.

Claim the timetable back.

You know how babies go through cycles of feed, play, sleep etc? Do the same for yourself. Family, exercise, quiet time. Schedule it in. Limit the family bits if need be.

So family in morning, you go for a walk, play with baby for a bit then have a bath or nap. Take yourself off.

I do this with inlaws now as the non stop nature of it made me feel ill. I just head off to read a book or have a walk.

Discuss what's important to both of you and find a way to do next year better. I quite often make notes for myself about things like this, for next time. It's how you get better at things like birthday parties, holidays etc.

And baby presents - circulate a list, one thing from that and anything else stays at the giver's house to be played with there.

We generally have a two days on - one day off rule. It's the only way I can cope. And, indeed, that DS can cope.

We've been together since we were teenagers, I've always been the same. I don't like my routine out of place, I can deal with it to a certain level but anything that lasts too long sets my anxiety off. Christmas is so unenjoyable for me due to the sheer pressure I feel (although of course seeing DD loving the Christmas tree and new toys is magical), I'm the same when we are going on holiday (the week leading up to the actual holiday I could easily have some kind of melt down because I feel like I have so much in my brain like lists of what I need for DD, myself, my meds, then it's the whole airport thing and then flying, once I'm there I'm absolutely fine).

The funny thing is, I'm actually really disorganised. My home is (usually) tidy and spotless bar the odd toy but my brain is a mess, I forget appointments, can't seem to stick to using a calendar, think I've got about 3500 emails that I haven't opened, I really struggle with life in general but think I put on quite a good brave face.

DH and I have spoke about the possibility of me being autistic before but I wouldn't even know how to go about trying to get tested/diagnosed.

I think I'd feel rude if I didn't go, I love his family I'm just utterly exhausted.

We definitely need to find a balance next year.

Honestly, I'm grateful they are so invested in their granddaughter/niece etc but the toys are ridiculous.

The sheer volume of plastic shit in my flat right now is giving me anxiety in itself.

That's a good idea, I might have to do that just so I can feel like I can breathe a bit.

Wow that would send me under! We had busy days Christmas Day and Boxing Day, I had a cry this morning as we had to be up early to see friends for breakfast but the relief I've had this afternoon of being able to sit in the sofa has been a relief! We have no plans tomorrow also which I'm ecstatic about. Christmas is so overwhelming but your schedule is on full blast. You need to set boundaries next year!

That's essentially what I've asked for next year but he said I'm miserable and Christmas is for family and friend get togethers.

I’m exhausted even thinking about that amount of socialising. Tell your DH to go and socialise at Christmas without you if need be. It’s ridiculous having friends stay till until 12 on Christmas Eve then more people arriving for breakfast at 9. That timetable is extremely busy and I’m wondering who does the cooking/shopping for the socialising at your home and how much your DH does? Say no next year and stick to it, no wonder you’re tired and overwhelmed you’ve not had time to yourself.

He's wrong, you're not miserable. You both have different needs and wants for the Christmas period. At the moment you're doing all the compromising and he's forcing you to do things in a way that suits him. He needs to compromise.

Next year, be more firm about what you will and won't do. Tell him that for you, his busy schedule makes you miserable and anxious.

There needs to be a compromise.

At the moment, your 'd' h is getting everything his own way.

You are getting nothing your own way.

You need to meet in the middle.

Alternatively if he must constantly socialise get some of these friends to host instead and he can go on his own.

You’re going too much and you need rest days. I needed time to myself today. As did other people I know. Put the boundaries in place and build in rest.

Can I be blunt? Your problem is not too many toys OP, it's the unempathetic DH steamrolling through your Christmas timetable to suit his needs. Is he able to listen to you and compromise at all at other times? You've voiced your needs clearly, offered compromise, I'm afraid you need to set boundaries next and stick to them - he can go on his own while you rest at home? You both go out and you leave after 2 hrs if he wants to stay? If he does not like it I'd kindly point out this is exactly what he is doing now so you're just following the example and make executive decisions yourself...

You can also ask yourself how do you imagine he may react if you say 'no' or set a boundary, and take it from there... I hope I am reading your post wrong, but he does not sound very kind to you.

It doesn't actually sound like you have OCD, depression or anxiety. Your posts are screaming autism and ADHD to me. Definitely worth the GP referring you for diagnosis, it could change your whole life. Medication may not be right for you, you might need other coping strategies. Maybe your DH would be a bit more accommodating if he knew you were autistic/ADHD too! But you do need to start with communicating with him.

Really? OP sounds like a tired mum who’s on a revolving door of social engagements with a flat stuffed full of kiddy Xmas gifts. DH needs to compromise.

You sound exhausted and fed up. I think you need to have a very firm conversation, making it clear that Christmas 2025 will be different.

Boundaries for guests too. Midnight finishes on Christmas Eve are not great when you’ve an excited toddler who’ll be awake with the lark, believe me.

That schedule would send me over the edge OP.

Your DP has no right to dictate what is and is not the right way to spend the festive period. He should take notice of what you need and want and be prepared to compromise.

I suspect you are also doing the lions share of the childcare, household tasks and cooking. Plus carrying the mental load on behalf of everyone. All this further robs you of the downtime that you need.

My advice is to find a way of building rest days / rest periods into your festive plans for next year. Anyone who cares for you will understand and respect that you will be taking some time for yourself.

I'd definitely need to space it all out more and get some quiet time in between all the visits

I am ND and just reading thay makes me feel ill. That's a mental schedule, I think I wouldn't speak to people for a year after that.

All that needs to be spaced out and if he is insistant, he organises the meets outside and you stay at home

It is OK to feel overwhelmed by family gatherings. Your child may be equally overwhelmed so limiting or spreading out the visits might help. It is also ok to see your home as your safe space. I think a conversation with your partner about expectations for Christmas etc now your have a child would be good, but it is his home too so be prepared to make compromises.

We used to leave gifts to open on the days after Christmas, and any boxed ones that we didn't want we returned or 're-gifted' putting the money saved towards shoes etc.