Burnt out over Christmas every year

[francesca19]

DH and I have 1 DD who is almost 18 months old. Let me start by asking family members to limit the gifts as she still doesn't understand and has lots of toys and books already.

We both come from split families and I just find Christmas so overwhelming and not enjoyable, I'm sat in bed in tears I'm so so tired and drained. I am a homebody, I love my friends and family and the odd get together once a month or so, I take DD to meet with friends at soft play or similar a couple times of week etc so I'm not antisocial but my DH is complete other end of the scale.

Christmas Eve, I pictured us wrapping DD's presents and building her toy shop with a glass of baileys and an early ish night. Nope. He invited friends over who stayed until almost midnight.

Christmas Day from 9am he'd invited his dad & Stepmum and my mum & stepdad over for breakfast, they stayed until 12 then we went straight to his grandparents until 2 then to my Dad & Stepmum's for dinner, ended up staying until gone 11.

Boxing Day, I went to my Dad's again to see half siblings then my Mum expected us over for dinner so there in the afternoon.

Today, I got up and the sheer amount of toys DD got for Christmas made me want to cry, we live in a 2 bed quite spacious new build flat but you couldn't even see the living room floor (I do have anxiety, depression and OCD which I manage with meds) but this just set my anxiety off as he invited friends over again from 5pm today (they've just left).

I've spent the day cleaning/tidying/shoving shit into cupboards until I can get to ikea tomorrow and get a kallax unit.

I've shoved half of the unopened gifts into a storage box to wrap for her birthday (I know this sounds awful but my 19 month old does not need this many toys, all of them are unwrapped but I'd say a good 20 presents are unopened from the box).

We are again, at friends tomorrow with all of the kids to do secret Santa which I'm actually looking forward to as love us and the kids all getting together in one space.

BUT I am exhausted, after the kids party tomorrow, he's invited his grandparents round on Sunday for lunch.

He says Christmas is for seeing family and friends and I agree up to a certain point but I really feel like I cannot cope with it all. I gave DD an extra long bath tonight just so I could sit in the bathroom for half hour and escape it all.

All I want to do is have a couple of "slow days", comfies on, nice walk to the park and back, home to play with toys and books, dinner, bath for us all and then put DD to bed (I'm so lucky she sleeps 7pm-8am) and sit on the sofa in my pjs with my kindle, candles lit and just have some quiet time.

My head feels like it's going to roll off my shoulders constantly thinking about what plans we have, what time, when people are coming over making sure the house is clean and tidy etc etc.

Does anyone else struggle with Christmas like this?

I even suggested we go abroad next year, we both love Barbados, I said shall we go Christmas Eve and coming back 3rd Jan and he told me to stop being ridiculous, that we couldn't go on holiday for Christmas we have friends and family.

I'm tempted to book a flight on my own at this rate 🤦🏻‍♀️

I'm so utterly overwhelmed and feel like I can't breathe.

I've asked for a happy medium next year, friends and family Christmas Day and Boxing Day but Christmas Eve and a couple days after Boxing Day, keep them free for quiet days but apparently I'm miserable.

I don't know who's right/wrong here, is there a wrong or right? Should we be able to compromise in this situation?!

OP you are not being unreasonable.. that's a REALLY busy schedule even if you were an extrovert. I've just slobbed this christmas, hunkered down with the kids and it's been heaven.

Same. And I'm hating every minute of the mess, clutter and crap too. That schedule would make me suicidal which sounds dramatic but it actually would. I can't function without alone time.

You need to have a talk with him op, this isn't fair on you if you're struggling and expected to host.

This is far too much! I am currently in bed on mumsnet while DH is downstairs with the kids. If it was up to him we'd have been out somewhere from early morning doing something or visiting someone, but he knows I need some downtime after a busy few weeks prepping and hosting. I will of course get up soon and partake in some family activities!

Get yourself a rest and make sure that he does all the prep and cooking for the grandparents visiting on Sunday

I feel exactly the same as you OP. It's a really draining time of year and the expectation to see all family members on both sides in the space of a week is just too much.

Next year could you compromise and say absolutely no visitors on 24th and if your husband wants to see every member of his family he can go on his own and take your child so you can have a break.

Stop doing the tidying and tell him he can do the hosting. If you're scared to go against him then you have a much bigger problem. That schedule is insane do the others never host?

Gosh, I'd be exhausted too. Some people are far more social than others and also worry less about everyone being happy!
You and DH need to agree a compromise next year which includes the things he wants to do, but involves a certain number of 'free' hours in each day and/or one day 'on' and one day 'off'.

You seem to have a walk on part in your own life. It's time to take control, have your needs met and come to a compromise with your spouse.

Arrange a charity collection, pack up the toys and donate them.

Book a package holiday to Egypt / Cape Verde / canaries. Ignore the whole thing. Honestly it's supposed to be a happy time - your schedule sounds exhausting! Lay in the sun for a week, even by next year your daughter will not understand and would love a week splashing around in the pools

Couldn't you alternate each year and stop having friends over all the time?

You have a child now so things change and when they get older they will resent being carted around and will want to play with their toys.

God people piss me off when they just don't listen to requests for no/minimal presents!

Next year send a text well in advance (so they can't say they already bought them) ... any more presents than 1 will promptly be donated/given away.

No harm you repurposing the gifts for your daughter's birthday at all

Your post is screaming autism and ADHD to me too. Exploring that might help you to u see stand yourself and your needs, and hopefully help your dh to understand it differently too.

There's also no way of knowing whether your dd will be neurodivergent, as it’s highly heritable, so you may find yourself having to advocate for her in future years too.

Your dh does need to compromise and support you. It isn’t just his Christmas. You need to let him know that you can’t cope with this level of interaction and activity, that you can only enjoy it in smaller doses and if you pace yourself, and that you need down time like you need oxygen. He needs to take this on board. I hope he can.

I'm NT and couldn't cope with that schedule at all; I don't know why the need to diagnose you online; you know your own situation.

For me, Christmas is close family only, then from 27th onwards the door is shut and we relax. Your DH needs to take better account of your wishes, it's your home too.

Sounds like you have a DH problem.

Why isn't he consulting with you before making plans?

Is he in charge of you?

Why are you doing the cleaning tidying etc? Do you both do equal amounts of housework and downtime?

I disagree - whether or not OP is neurodivergent is no issue here, and in fact I'll see it as a red herring and a change of subject, putting responsibility on her for her husband's behaviour.

Her posts are screaming of an domineering, unempathetic partner who I presume is already aware she struggles with anxiety etc. - they've been together for a long time! - and does not consider it sufficient to adapt even though she voiced her needs and offered suggestions to.compromise. It is unfair to suggest she should be trying harder to convince him to change his behaviour (and stating that getting a diagnosis may be a way to do that).

If partner repeatedly refuses to listen and compromise, perhaps the problem lies with him - not OP.

Hmmm. I don’t see being neurodivergent as a problem, so we’re coming from different perspectives here.

Also, at no point did I suggest op needed to try harder to convince her dh of anything. Or that a diagnosis was needed. What I said was that exploring neurodivergence as an possibility might help her to understand why she feels the way she does and to advocate for herself 🤷‍♀️

Well yes. He says you're miserable. So what? Just say "I am not going" and don't. Let him take DD.

What does he do while you're running around cleaning up and preparing for these visitors? What help does he give in the lead up to Christmas or going on holidays. I have ADHD and my anxiety gets sky high during these times especially if I'm taking it all on by myself. There's nothing wrong with asking for downtime but if he's not pulling weight around the home and with your child that's adding to your burn out around these times.

Way too much for most people. Does you husband do any of the cooking and cleaning for all the guests ? Stop letting him dominate you, it's your Christmas too.