Elderly parents getting less able

[Ringinthechanges]

And how to deal with it?

My parents are late 80s and still live in our 4 bed, detached childhood home. They've done well to live independently so far and have had no major illnesses but are becoming frailer.

The house, never a priority, is really not being maintained so that we are dealing with things constantly now. Kitchen light went, they were cooking in the dark, boiler and gas fire went at the same time in middle of winter, repeat mouse problems the last few years, landline phone went and they just left it (dad is more tech savvy and has a mobile mum can't use hers at all)

They don't have a downstairs loo and dad is getting much less mobile. There have been no adaptations to the house, apart from a bar to hold by back door. So bathroom, stairs, doorsteps are a problem. We've discussed getting adaptations done and a downstairs loo, people in to do basic maintenance jobs, all to no avail. Dad just absolutely refuses to spend money (anything we do we pay for, I got landline phones, new kitchen light, outdoor lights, paid for pest control, and then time to do the jobs). Mum is, I suspect ND, and has always been very anti any 'outsiders' in the house.

They live half an hour away and I have a preschooler, both siblings have a primary aged child and we all have work commitments. Dad is still driving locally but I think shouldn't any more. Mum can't drive, can't use internet and can't plan so no weekly shop, more like daily trips to get stuff.

Dad was looking into moving into sheltered accommodation a few years ago but mum absolutely refused. It's now probably too late anyway.

With everything considered, I can see how, without any plan or strategy, we will just fall into needing to be there more and more. I am trying to dicuss with siblings to get some sort of plan. I won't be able to do more than I currently do as we are moving house for my son's school, I have a husband who is away for work more than home and I'll be working more once school starts up. I currently go on a weekday as my siblings are in Mon-Fri jobs and go at weekends. This won't be possible from September when my son starts school.

What do I do? Just leave it and act piecemeal or try and push for some co-ordinated efforts with siblings, parents and other help? It feels like a major stress to organise at the moment so any advice from experience would be helpful.

Not my area but have you seen there is an elderly parents board under 'Other Stuff'? It might be worth trying there.

Thanks, will put it there if I can work out how!

You might want to move this to the elderly parents board or have a read through that! It’s not too late to move if there are suitable options close by in their community….the likelihood of people being able to sustain independent living is often longer if living in a purpose built or adapted one level home. The likelihood of falls in their current home, with resulting injury ,for eg. fractured femur, and loss of independence/ increase in care needs is pretty high. I personally would encourage them to downsize and move rather than stay and risk ending up in a nursing home earlier than necessary. Whether or not you will persuade 2 grown adults is another matter but it’s important to set your boundaries as to what you are capable of doing support wise for them in the future.l..and likewise what your siblings are prepared to offer. You might want to ask your mum what she thinks would happen to her if her husband dies before her ( statistically more likely)

Have moved it, thanks.

I suggested a move to shelteredaccommodation, for exactly those reasons. Siblings can't see it happening (tbh neither can I) and think the stress of it might finish them off. My mum just wouldn't entertain the idea at all. As said previously, I strongly suspect she is ND and this adds another dimension to any negotiation process.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5238735-elderly-parents-getting-less-able