To not tolerate bullshit from family, just because they're blood?

[tweedledee12]

I have three siblings - there is a clear split between us, and we are each very different - although used to be exceptionally close, now less so.

From social media and tv, it looks at though everybody gets on reasonably well - or at least muddle through as they're family and it's Christmas.

I just cannot stomach a sibling - their attitude towards my parents, towards me, towards anybody who dares disagree with them it awful! Their outlook is very bitter, jealous and mean - despite us all having the same upbringing.

I haven't had contact for almost 2 years - AIBU to think that this is more common than we perhaps realise? Maybe Christmas makes these things more obvious.

Yes, I think it's actually fairly common despite what you see on social media!

In real life - I guess I haven't spoken to anybody about it - like how I really feel. I literally despise the sibling.

I am also in a challenging dysfunctional family situation - I totally get you but I am low contact as opposed to no contact.

Yes it’s common. I have a very dysfunctional family and half of us fall out and don’t speak to each other. I’ve not spoken to my brother in probably 12 years and realistically never will again. I get on well with my sisters and I’m super close to my mum. Not close to my dad at all, hardly see him. I’m no contact with my aunt.

Tbh I don’t know many people with “perfect” social media families in real life, the total opposite actually!

Low contact seems reasonable - siblings?

I mean if I saw my brother out, I would literally ignore him as if he doesn't exist yet when everybody is speaking warmly about their family, I feel that IABU for being that way. I am certain it would be reciprocated - said sibling didn't even congratulate me when I had my first baby and they walked passed us.

Are there never situations where you and your brother are together?

How would you deal with walking past them in the street / supermarket?

@tweedledee12

I get in well with one sibling, the other I would happily never see again. Unfortunately I feel like I would be the one to lose out on wider family occasions if I were to go NC. As well as this we share a parent and I am the one who would be shut out and isolated on yearly events. So to suit myself it's 4 times a year at parents house, no meeting up outside of that and no phone contact.

I feel your pain OP. get family-envy when people seem to get together and actually enjoy a family Xmas. It's unfathomable. I had a terrible fight with my brother just before Xmas - sort of thing there is just no way back from. But has been difficult for decades. Everything that comes out of his mouth just pushes all my buttons. I'm low contact with most. Can't quite bring myself to go no contact.

Yeah really common, just because you’re family doesn’t mean you have to get on.

I see my brother regularly but have nothing in common with my sister and only see her at wider family events - literally weddings or funerals, it’s actually not a big deal, we will chat if we happen to see each other but don’t keep in touch otherwise, it’s no drama.

So sorry to hear that!

What is stopping you going NC if I may ask?

My sibling changed massively and went from quite a cheery person, to being very critical of others, jealous and always trying to be better - all characteristics I cannot stomach. Even behaving this way towards my parents, criticising their home for DIY jobs not being professional etc when his house is in a state, half the value on a terrible estate.

I have extremely low contact with my sister and her family. Bunch of arrogant know it all's.

We occasionally have to sit through Xmas dinner together at our parents but I've managed to avoid that this year.

Once our parents are no longer here I would expect our paths will only cross at funerals.

We've never 'fell out' I just don't like them or wish to spent my precious free time with them.

Like a pp - I think it would all or nothing with the entire set - I don't' think I can pick and choose who to go nc with. I don't want to go nc with my sister - although that relationship is also difficult...

I am very lucky as my parents totally understand - they are still together, sibling won't speak to one of them, but will speak to the other - but only if they bump into each other. Absolutely bizarre but I suspect sibling has some mental health problems as he has been progressively more aggressive and volatile over recent years, believing people are talking about him.

I would go as far as to say, I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire, and perhaps a little ashamed to say I feel quite pleased when I know he has had some misfortune. Awful person I know.

Honestly, some of this is likely to be you, OP. The ‘who has the best relationship with the parents’ thing is a classic sibling rivalry thing. The fact is, no one has the ‘exact same upbringing’ as their siblings. I’m one of five, and despite growing up comparatively close in age in the same house with the same parents, we didn’t have at all the same experience of childhood. Plus we have completely different relationships to our parents as adults, ranging from very emotionally dependent to very low contact.

Look, there’s obviously no requirement be friends with your siblings, but I’d be asking myself in your shoes what it is that bothers you so much about your brother.

@HotBath I guess I see that he used to financially exploit my parents, which being verbally abusive and making them feel inadequate.

One of my other siblings has NC as they experience the same.

Well, there’s no possibility of financially exploiting our penniless parents, but I have a sibling in her late 40s who runs to them with every one of her many difficulties, moves back in with them for weeks or months at a time, and is generally a big emotional burden to two fragile, worry-prone catastrophisers in their 80s. They worry desperately about her all the time, and I think it has a significant impact on their peace of mind.

But that’s between her and them. It’s not my job to police their relationship. If they aren’t happy with the dynamic, they need to be the ones to address it, not me. They won’t, of course, but again, I can’t police that.

People tend not to advertise it as there is so many people whose immediate response will be along the lines of "but they are your family ...".

I certainly make a very neutral "think we are just having a quiet one" type comment when friends ask about Christmas plans and they are all hosting the 5000.

I am actively no contact with my parents. I have nothing against my brothers particularly, but we have nothing to say to each other so we send each other Christmas cards and don't stress about otherwise keeping in touch.

Christmas is especially hard for those of us who have the misfortune of dysfunctional families. I'm nc with one sibling who has actively hated me since the day I was born and bullied/ harassed me throughout adult years , which unfortunately means I can't have a relationship with any of their children ( I've tried and they're all adults now, but through lies and slander my name has been blackened and they want nothing to do with me), I'm extremely low contact with mother ( see my username for context), other sibling I'm on good terms with although the relationship only developed in latter years for various reasons, and my dad now has dementia and is a care home. I blamed myself for many years for the toxicity of the situation, which wasn't helped by various friends telling me I should forgive and forget as they're " family ". Unless you've grown up with a family where malignant narcissism is at the core and you're given a defined role at birth ( mine being scapegoat) , you'll never get how twisted such families can be. I crave normal, family love.

My situation doesn't seem as severe as yours @GaslightingNarcissist but I entirely relate to parts of what you said

In answer to your original question, OP, I don't think it's at all common in real life to not keep in touch with immediate family. I only know of one person who doesn't keep in contact with their family and I think this is something that is peculiar to Mumsnet.

I think it's more common than it seems. My brother and I have loathed each other from childhood, we made each other miserable. As adults, we never see each other through choice. We alternate who spends Christmas with my parents. I've bumped into him once or twice when visiting my mum and when my dad was in hospital. We can be civil for that. But even in those situations he still manages to wind me up. When my parents pass away, he will make dealing with the estate etc more difficult and I doubt I'll ever see him again after the funeral.

And that's just us not getting on or liking each other. Neither of us is violent, aggressive, criminal, an addict etc. So in situations where those additional factors are in play, I imagine bad relationships are even more common.

A lot of what you say about your sibling is exactly what my wife's sister is like. Only she hasn't changed but been like it all her life. We (the rest of the family including grown up niece's and nephews)put up with it for pil sake.

However, as it's just mil who is 90+...she is in for a rude shock .

Is that sibling the youngest / eldest and successful in comparison?

I find it so bizarre yet it's my family!

Yanbu

Christmas magnifies the BS I’ve got to put up with. My dad once again blew off his blood family for step, and I’ve not spoken to him since before Christmas.

He’ll be waiting for me to call him, and won’t call me, and I’m not going to. He blew me off days before Christmas and will be telling everyone what a terrible DD I am and how his DC don’t care.

My DH doesn’t understand why I just don’t go NC with him, but it’s hard. It’s very upsetting though. I feel that he really treated my mum like shit, and now I’m stepping into the vacancy.

I despise a sibling to and have no contact. Won't visit family if they are there etc. funny enough one of my other sibling also despises him so not just a me problem 😂