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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So sick of my ex - aibu to have made plans?

32 replies

UndertheCedartree · 27/12/2024 12:33

My DC's dad has them every 27th December. He likes to take them to his uncle's and his mum is there too.

The issue is they only see them once a year so don't really know them. My autistic 12 yo has developed really bad anxiety due to trauma at school and doesn't trust adults beyond close family and friends.

She was reluctant to go to her dad's uncle. I told ex he needed to speak to her as to how he could support her with her anxiety, but he didn't. So I spoke to her at length yesterday about it and she said she would go but was really anxious and wanted to speak to her dad about it. So I asked him to phone her and talk to her again. He phoned her this morning and asked her if she wanted to go. She said 'not really' and he said OK and it was left at that.

So now I have DD today. Which would be fine but I have made plans. Which I now have to cancel. Ex says he can't have her because 'I can't make her come to my uncle's' but also I shouldn't have made plans, I should be flexible because it is Christmas.

I think it is fine for me to make plans on a rare bit of child free time and if he can't be bothered to parent her around her anxiety I shouldn't be the one to have to cancel my plans.

OP posts:
badinfluence7 · 27/12/2024 13:51

not unreasonable at all. you asked him to talk to her and comfort her about going. instead he decided he didn't care if she went or not. that said, surely a 12 year old can be left home alone for a few hours while you do whatever you planned?

Quitelikeit · 27/12/2024 13:57

I’m sure the child will manage fine if she has a quiet room and iPad at her uncles house

TwinklyAmberOrca · 27/12/2024 14:06

So why do you have your DD??

You should have dropped her off at her dad's and it is up to him to help her navigate the day's plans. If she was too anxious about the visit then he needed to go with plan B and find something else to do with them.

So YANBU to have made plans but YABU to have cancelled them.

ParsonBrown · 27/12/2024 14:36

YANBU. Her dad sounds totally shit.

YANBU to have made plans.

That said, having children means sometimes plans have to change.

He doesn't give a fuck about her anxiety, nor does he want to help her.

So you are all she has.

She is going to start to learn he's abit crap. This is where you come in and (continue to) be the parent she needs.

I don't agree with PP saying you should've dropped her off at his and left him to deal with it, only because that would've been awful for your DD and she deserves better.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/12/2024 15:30

badinfluence7 · 27/12/2024 13:51

not unreasonable at all. you asked him to talk to her and comfort her about going. instead he decided he didn't care if she went or not. that said, surely a 12 year old can be left home alone for a few hours while you do whatever you planned?

Edited

She has autism and due to this is less mature than the average 12yo hence me not being able to leave her.

He just couldn't be bothered to deal with her. His excuse is always I'm better at it than him!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/12/2024 15:34

TwinklyAmberOrca · 27/12/2024 14:06

So why do you have your DD??

You should have dropped her off at her dad's and it is up to him to help her navigate the day's plans. If she was too anxious about the visit then he needed to go with plan B and find something else to do with them.

So YANBU to have made plans but YABU to have cancelled them.

At the end of the day my DD's needs come first. He came round to collect them and she wouldn't go with him. I'm not going to cause more upset to her by dropping her off at the uncle's when there is noone to support her and meet her needs.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 27/12/2024 15:36

Frustrating. He couldn't be bothered to parent her or connect with her to make the visit possible. You probably are better dealing with her but as you said a break would be nice

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/12/2024 15:42

ParsonBrown · 27/12/2024 14:36

YANBU. Her dad sounds totally shit.

YANBU to have made plans.

That said, having children means sometimes plans have to change.

He doesn't give a fuck about her anxiety, nor does he want to help her.

So you are all she has.

She is going to start to learn he's abit crap. This is where you come in and (continue to) be the parent she needs.

I don't agree with PP saying you should've dropped her off at his and left him to deal with it, only because that would've been awful for your DD and she deserves better.

I completely agree with everything you say. I will always put my DC first and if I have to cancel plans I will. But I'll have a vent about it too.

OP posts:
Fizzleaawayy · 27/12/2024 15:42

UndertheCedartree · 27/12/2024 15:34

At the end of the day my DD's needs come first. He came round to collect them and she wouldn't go with him. I'm not going to cause more upset to her by dropping her off at the uncle's when there is noone to support her and meet her needs.

Show quote history

What do you expect him to do if she wouldn’t go with him? He can’t drag her in the car and he shouldn’t have to cancel plans.

She either went and become miserable or stayed with you as she can’t be left.

Its a shot situation all around but I don’t think either of you are in the wrong.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/12/2024 15:45

Hankunamatata · 27/12/2024 15:36

Frustrating. He couldn't be bothered to parent her or connect with her to make the visit possible. You probably are better dealing with her but as you said a break would be nice

Yes, it is frustrating. I am better at meeting her needs as I am around her a lot more. But he'll never get better if he doesn't even try.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/12/2024 15:49

Fizzleaawayy · 27/12/2024 15:42

What do you expect him to do if she wouldn’t go with him? He can’t drag her in the car and he shouldn’t have to cancel plans.

She either went and become miserable or stayed with you as she can’t be left.

Its a shot situation all around but I don’t think either of you are in the wrong.

Show quote history

I expect him to parent her and talk to her about how he would support her to make it possible for her to go.

He shouldn't have to cancel his plans on his day of having the DC? But I should? I take it then on the days I have the DC I shouldn't have to change my plans if necessary and he should step in to look after them then??

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/12/2024 17:27

Oh well, at least my eldest had a nice time and my DD had a nice time with me. He's never going to change. All the parenting will always be down to me.

OP posts:
Pandasnacks · 27/12/2024 17:32

Fizzleaawayy · 27/12/2024 15:42

What do you expect him to do if she wouldn’t go with him? He can’t drag her in the car and he shouldn’t have to cancel plans.

She either went and become miserable or stayed with you as she can’t be left.

Its a shot situation all around but I don’t think either of you are in the wrong.

Show quote history

Why shouldn’t he have to cancel plans? That’s stupid

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 27/12/2024 19:15

Pandasnacks · 27/12/2024 17:32

Why shouldn’t he have to cancel plans? That’s stupid

Show quote history

It is, isn't it? When I am looking after the DC if necessary I have to change plans. It's not like he'd swoop in to help out. So why do I have to do that when he is looking after them, especially when he hasn't even tried to parent our DD and when he gets all the time in the world to have child-free plans?

OP posts:
FABAND · 31/12/2024 06:36

From a divorced mum of two neurodivergent children/ now adults.
My ex never 'got it'/ didnt believe in all that stuff. Never engaged or made an effort when we were together, even less when he left. It's shit for them and of course you will be the one who steps up, as always. They do realise and do appreciate, in time. But it's fine to vent.

Mumoftwins78 · 31/12/2024 06:37

Fizzleaawayy · 27/12/2024 15:42

What do you expect him to do if she wouldn’t go with him? He can’t drag her in the car and he shouldn’t have to cancel plans.

She either went and become miserable or stayed with you as she can’t be left.

Its a shot situation all around but I don’t think either of you are in the wrong.

Show quote history

So she had to cancel plans because the shit dad couldn't be bothered to speak to his daughter to see what would help her with her anxiety in this situation. Why is she the one that has to cancel plans and not the dad when it's his time with them.

Washingforweeks · 31/12/2024 10:15

Sounds like my DS dad to a T. It’s all well and good digging your heels in and forcing them to parent but the bottom line is that isn’t what’s best for the child.
I’ve just decided to carry on as if sons father didn’t exist and if he wants to see DS he reaches out to him directly and if DS wants to go he lets me know. I have zero free time, I get very annoyed sometimes that 2 of us made this child but now only I am raising him BUT that’s the hand we have been dealt. The child years aren’t forever and I know I will get time to do my own plans when he is older xxx

MyLimeGuide · 31/12/2024 15:59

The Dad should have just mugged off the uncle trip to spend the day with his children- especially as one is highly anxious. Good news though that this guy is your ex! 👍

Rhaidimiddim · 31/12/2024 16:04

He sounds very inflexible in his own plans. Rigid, in fact - "this is The Plan and my daughter can join in with it or I won't see her".
Ass!

Rhaidimiddim · 31/12/2024 16:08

ParsonBrown · 27/12/2024 14:36

YANBU. Her dad sounds totally shit.

YANBU to have made plans.

That said, having children means sometimes plans have to change.

He doesn't give a fuck about her anxiety, nor does he want to help her.

So you are all she has.

She is going to start to learn he's abit crap. This is where you come in and (continue to) be the parent she needs.

I don't agree with PP saying you should've dropped her off at his and left him to deal with it, only because that would've been awful for your DD and she deserves better.

I agree with you. Sadly, some dads cannot be relied on to help their children manage unfomfortable situations, and so Mum ends up having to save the day.

At least OP knows what to.expect next year and can try to negotiate a different arrangement for ex to have the kids, instead of taking them to the uncle. After all, it is Christmas, so he can be a bit flexible.

Fraggeek · 31/12/2024 17:39

In Ann ideal world, he'd have changed his plans to better support his daughter. So YANBU but I think you need to put your foot down about his behaviour towards her struggles.

AutismMum2017 · 31/12/2024 19:15

Quitelikeit · 27/12/2024 13:57

I’m sure the child will manage fine if she has a quiet room and iPad at her uncles house

Do you have an autistic child? I’m guessing probably not by your response.

Pherian · 01/01/2025 01:06

Maybe the issue is you’re giving a child a choice and not accounting for how it’s going to make a difference to your freedom to make plans.

It would do her well to be in a situation where she’s interacting with family that she doesn’t know very well. Stop pandering to “anxiety”

Pherian · 01/01/2025 01:09

AutismMum2017 · 31/12/2024 19:15

Do you have an autistic child? I’m guessing probably not by your response.

Show quote history

I’m Autistic. I’m guessing by your response you think that autism is some kind of deformity. It’s not and your children will be better off if you stop treating them like they should be protected from social interaction at all cost.

Ukrainebaby23 · 01/01/2025 08:56

Pherian · 01/01/2025 01:06

Maybe the issue is you’re giving a child a choice and not accounting for how it’s going to make a difference to your freedom to make plans.

It would do her well to be in a situation where she’s interacting with family that she doesn’t know very well. Stop pandering to “anxiety”

I have very mild anxiety, and I'm alot older than Ops DD, if I get pushed I'll just have a meltdown. My DH, sees it spiralling and can talk me down.

I never learnt to handle anxiety BC people didn't 'pander' when I was young.

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