So sick of my ex - aibu to have made plans?

[UndertheCedartree]

My DC's dad has them every 27th December. He likes to take them to his uncle's and his mum is there too.

The issue is they only see them once a year so don't really know them. My autistic 12 yo has developed really bad anxiety due to trauma at school and doesn't trust adults beyond close family and friends.

She was reluctant to go to her dad's uncle. I told ex he needed to speak to her as to how he could support her with her anxiety, but he didn't. So I spoke to her at length yesterday about it and she said she would go but was really anxious and wanted to speak to her dad about it. So I asked him to phone her and talk to her again. He phoned her this morning and asked her if she wanted to go. She said 'not really' and he said OK and it was left at that.

So now I have DD today. Which would be fine but I have made plans. Which I now have to cancel. Ex says he can't have her because 'I can't make her come to my uncle's' but also I shouldn't have made plans, I should be flexible because it is Christmas.

I think it is fine for me to make plans on a rare bit of child free time and if he can't be bothered to parent her around her anxiety I shouldn't be the one to have to cancel my plans.

It's a day he is supposed to have his kids. If his child won't go to his uncles he cancels the plans and looks after her and spends time with her elsewhere.

If you co-parent and it's your day with your child you don't take them back to the other parent if things don't go to plan.

Look at it this way - if OP had made plans to visit her own uncle with the kids, and her daughter refused to go, would it be right to call her ex and say he has to have their daughter, as she isn't going along with OPs plans?

I suspect what would happen is OP would cancel the visit and stay home with her daughter. As her ex ought to have done.

my child is autistic. And I know my child well enough to know when things will/won’t work. You can’t just drag them somewhere and expect they’ll sit quietly like a good kid should! Yes you can prepare but you always have to prepare for the fact you may have to leave again 5 minutes or less from arrival for everyone’s sanity, but mostly theirs!

Pandering to 'anxiety'?? You haven't got a clue!!

Exactly.

Yeah my parents treated me like that, forced me to do things I didn't want to and it created so many problems that I've had to deal with in adulthood. I now know how to handle my anxiety and issues but it's taken me so many years.

Just another chipping in here OP.

My parents never "pandered" to my anxiety. I'm now awaiting assessment for autism at age 35. I spent my whole childhood barely surviving, getting very physically unwell from the stress, had my first bout of shingles age 10 I was so unwell from the constant stress and anxiety. Burnt out and had to leave school before GCSEs because I just couldn't cope, went on to be unable to leave the house for 10 years, developed anorexia.

You bloody pander. Pander away. You're doing the right thing looking after that little one.

Oh bless you. How are you doing now? And yep, you bet, I'll panda 🩷