MIL on her own Christmas

[Katie1936]

My MIL won’t do anything unless we really beg or persuade her. This Christmas I just asked if she was planning on being around, she said no and I didn’t try and persuade her. She then sent messages on Christmas Day saying her neighbours have bought meals round and made us feel bad.

Boxing Day her DS offered to drive over and she said no, she had over a week notice.

I don’t know what she really wants, should we have persuaded her to spend time with family. Like every other year which she then enjoys. Or does she like the attention from neighbours of being alone it’s very confusing.

Maybe I should have a chat and tell her we’re not going to persuade her anymore, and then she would have been more prepared to not have the usually dance.

Maybe she likes being on her own. Being on Mumsnet has taught me that lots of people prefer it. I love company but now understand that others don't so perhaps it's this.
Experience has taught me that you can't make people do what they don't want to not should you. So perhaps just leave her to it.

I'd say just offer to host her again. If she says no then leave her be. She probably likes being on her own, with a cooked dinner from the neighbours. I don't see anything wrong in that, don't think she is trying to make you feel bad.

From your post, it doesn't sound as though you made your mother in law feel that you wanted her to come to you on Christmas Day - 'are you planning to be around' isn't much of a welcoming invitation! I couldn't have left a parent or in law alone on Christmas Day unless I was 100% certain that's what they wanted, and I would have tried very hard to persuade them to spend the day with us.

Christmas is different for everyone, I suspect she’s quite happy to
have a quiet day on her own and enjoy a meal her neighbours bring for her - I think maybe they too have offered to host her for Christmas and she declined too.
Maybe just tell her what your plans over next Christmas will be (closer to the time) and tell her she’s welcome to join you - maybe have another day where she comes for dinner and spends time with you as a family an ‘unchristmas day’ so to speak.
If not you just have to accept this as how she wants to spend the day.
My Christmases have changed over the years and I really enjoy the ‘relaxing’ part of it, that I didn’t have before- just chilling in my house doing my own thing, it’s quite liberating!!

I think you’re right. It always feels like we twist her arm and actually she is probably very happy. I think her DS can’t imagine her being on her own.

With my own mum I wouldn’t persuade her to do anything, I just take her word for it.

Whatever her reasons - whether she genuinely wants to be alone or if she is playing silly buggers - follow it up with a message.

"Sorry you don't want to come on Xmas Day, but if you change your mind let me know"

Then...

"That was nice of Agatha to bring some dinner round to you, did you tell her you didn't want to come to us?"

If it's there in black and white that you you offered and she declined, then it should help to deflect the guilt trip she lays on you.

Surely asking her if she's going to be around isn't the same as a proper invitation?

This Christmas I just asked if she was planning on being around, she said no and I didn’t try and persuade her.

That doesn’t sound like much of an invitation! I would ask her, ‘we’d like you to come to Christmas dinner this year, would you like to come?’

If that's the wording you used then it does sound a bit half hearted and not actually an invite.

Actually, thinking of this has reminded me - my partner has adult children with teenage grandchildren and when we first got together years ago we all went out for Xmas dinner and then,the years that followed we were invited to their homes for Christmas dinner - I like to have dinner at home and my son comes home (he’s also invited to
their homes) and so for years I’ve always declined (Dp could go, I said if he wanted to I had no issues at all - but he chooses to stay with me) and they just accept it and host other family member who accept.
one Christmas when dp,ds and I were really poorly they all phoned at various points offering to drop off meals for us all- but we were ok.
Maybe you’re just putting your feelings onto Mil and she simply doesn’t share it !!

Do you actually invite her or just say "do you plan on being around" as the latter kind of comes across like you see her as a bit of a burden!

I would have made the effort to extend a proper invite (which is doesn't sound like you did) and make her feel like she was genuinely welcome, but beyond that if she said no then I'd take it as a no and carry on.

Some people can be odd. I once asked my elderly mum how she really wanted to spend Christmas and she said "I want you all to go away and let me watch my soaps in peace." 😂

Sometimes you just have to let them get on with it in grumpy isolation.

I have some sympathy with your MIL, @Meadowfinch!

My late DP and I spent most Christmases at home, but would see his family (my DPs are dead and my DB is an anti-social recluse) on Boxing Day.

The first couple of Christmases after his death, I spent the day with the in-laws, but the prospect of a dozen or more people crammed into a tiny, over-heated house didn't appeal to me this year, neither did the hour or more's drive each way and not having a drink, so I stayed home alone.

I found it very relaxing and not at all unpleasant. And at least I could go and have a pee without anyone nicking my seat while I was in the lav!

I wouldn’t engage in bed silly game. She would get nothing more than an ‘Oh well. We asked and you said no’ response.

I think she likes to be persuaded so she is 100% sure she's not being a burden. People are shaped by their own experiences in life. We have no idea what her own parents or ILs were like.

Has he son invited her?

Tell her that she was invited but she said no. Say that she was wrong to accept the neighbours meals.

You asked her if she was around? So you didn’t specifically invite her and let her know that you wanted her to join you? Not really surprising that you didn't see her then, is it?

It’s not clear that you actually invited her. Next time make it clear and say you would like her to join you and what time etc. If she still says no well it’s up to her. (My dm prefers to be on her own on Xmas day but I invite her anyway so she knows she could come if she wanted.)

Agree
I don't think she was trying to make you feel bad
We took our neighbors Christmas diners before
Last year one came for a couple of hours.
They wanted to home early so they could fall asleep in their own favourite chair.
Totally respect that.

Did you ask her like that - are you planning on being around?
Because if someone said that to me I would assume I wasn't invited or wanted.
Maybe the 'persuading' you feel you have to do is actually making an invitation that she feels she's welcome at?

It doesnt sound like you actually invited her. I would’ve said no as well as it seems like you didn’t want her there in the first place

If you asked her the way you've writ your post - are you planning on being around - she will have felt completely unwelcome and unwanted. No wonder she didn't come and didn't want anyone to come over either. Next time, invite her properly, genuinely, or don't if you don't want her there (doesn't sound like you do).

Why did it make you feel bad that someone brought her food?

You didn't communicate properly that you were inviting her for Christmas dinner which is why she didn't come.