MIL on her own Christmas

[Katie1936]

My MIL won’t do anything unless we really beg or persuade her. This Christmas I just asked if she was planning on being around, she said no and I didn’t try and persuade her. She then sent messages on Christmas Day saying her neighbours have bought meals round and made us feel bad.

Boxing Day her DS offered to drive over and she said no, she had over a week notice.

I don’t know what she really wants, should we have persuaded her to spend time with family. Like every other year which she then enjoys. Or does she like the attention from neighbours of being alone it’s very confusing.

Maybe I should have a chat and tell her we’re not going to persuade her anymore, and then she would have been more prepared to not have the usually dance.

“She then sent messages on Christmas Day saying her neighbours have bought meals round and made us feel bad.”

Why is this making you feel bad?
You invited her, she said ‘no’.
So someone else took her a meal, why are you making a big deal out of this?

“Maybe I should have a chat and tell her we’re not going to persuade her anymore…”

…or don’t? Maybe just leave it.

I voted YABU. She said she didn’t want to come to yours. So what if the neighbours brought her round food. You are being dramatic.

I suspect what she wants is to feel welcome. You’re invited want an invite you asked her if she was “going to be around” it isn’t even clear that you are asking her to your house.

Then her DS “offered to drive round on Boxing Day”… I’m not surprised she said no. She probably feels like she’s a burden and you don’t really want her there.

I wouldn't be trying to beg someone to come over for Christmas tbh. Is she happy otherwise?

I have a similar situation with my grandmother, she no longer wants to celebrate Christmas after some very hard losses in recent years (her sister, my grandfather and my mum). We had arranged to go down to see her just after Christmas for her birthday but she postponed because my relative who lives with her has flu and I'm pregnant (fair enough). But she also turned down another offer to visit a couple of weeks before Christmas, doesn't get in contact with me at all despite having access to phone, text and email.

It's very frustrating to see her leading a very lonely existence as she refuses to speak to many family members that my mum also cut off or had some issue with while she was alive and very mentally ill. My DH and I are among the few people she still talks to.

Also frustrating that she'll go for long periods of turning down visits or contact and then when we finally do see her she'll make comments about how long it's been, but she suppose it can't be helped, in a way that sounds quite passive aggressive.

I would just keep offering and take her at her word if she refuses.

I’m not sure ‘are you planning on being around’ exactly constitutes a welcoming invitation but appreciate you may not have actually phrased it that way in real life!

In future I would extend the invitation (a proper one, like ‘please come for Christmas this year’) but if she says no then don’t push it. She may genuinely prefer to be alone, but she may also feel that if the invitation is passive or feels begrudging then she’s not actually wanted.

Did you actually invite her @Katie1936 , as in a proper invitation that made it sound as though you would have liked her to come? If so, you have nothing to feel bad about. If however "are you planning on being around" was it, then yeah, of course she said "no". It's not persuasion to ask someone in a way that makes them feel wanted.

Don't allow her to "make you feel bad" - you offered, she said no. That's on her. She chose to be alone. Next year offer again, and if she declines again just say "is there a different plan you would prefer or are you happy to be alone again" - put the ball in her court. You are right not to beg her. Offer once then leave it. She can choose whether to accept and if she doesn't then it's not your fault.