To be worried DS13 is upset to have lost the magic of Christmas?

[bellav]

Last night DS13 was in tears. He tried to hide it but eventually admitted he was upset Christmas is over but also that he felt it hadn't been as exciting as in the past and that the magic has gone. Is this just part of growing up? He was worried this means a broader problem and that he might have depression. I tried to reassure him that feeling sad is normal at times and that Christmas inevitably changes as you grow up, but secretly I am concerned that he is so sad and worried.

It’s really good he can be honest with you about how he feels - that’s a strong positive.

Keep an eye on him but it could just be the start of managing emotional changes/hormonal shifts as he goes through puberty.

I agree it could be hormones/puberty. He'll be ok and you can reassure him that christmas is still magical and exciting, maybe you could make a plan together of what you can do next year that is fun so he can look forward to that and making new traditions. In our family we have a whole list of things we do in December that we look forward to like going to visit the houses near us that have great lights, we take popcorn and hot chocolate and make a thing of it. It's all part of the excitement and tradition.

Surely it’s normal at that sort of age. IIRC I was about 14 when the fizzing magic and excitement of childhood Christmases disappeared. I was sad about it, but it certainly didn’t result in any sort of mental decline. And I still enjoyed Christmas.

What was different this year? How was it so magical before and what has changed other than him growing up a bit? Do you still do the magical things you did in prior years or have you stepped it back and don’t bother so much now he’s older?

Ds and I still do the Panto together every year, still get the special treats we don’t have the rest of the year. We always do a jigsaw together as a family. Ds even said this year how he really enjoyed and was happy to still gave a Xmas stocking to open. He’s 25 now but we still do all the traditional things we always did.

Do you also feel the magic has gone? Can you make some new traditions together which can carry in even though he’s older now?

Probably just the January blues that most people get when the anti climax of Christmas is over.
I usually book a holiday to look fwd too, cheers me right up.

@OnMNwaytoomuch That's part of the problem too. We've always done a lot during Advent. Outings to see lights, skating, baking cookies for neighbours, doing things for others like shopping for the food bank or choosing a WWF animal to sponsor...he says all that felt less special this year. We tried to adapt and adjust as of course we know baking cookies isn't so exciting these days, but we are running out of ideas! On Christmas Day we always play lots of games and he seemed to enjoy them more this year, but I guess it just can't touch the belief in a bearded man sneaking down the chimney!! Wishing we had never done the Santa thing now as that must be largely to blame.

We definitely haven't stepped things back. We always do lots during the lead up and play lots of games on Christmas day and Boxing Day, which he seemed ti enjoy.

His birthday is a month before Christmas and he said he felt a bit flat and lost in the few days after that too, which is why he is worried he might have depression.

My DS is a similar age and, whilst not in tears, was a bit grumpy yesterday and it came down to the fact that Christmas just hadn't lived up to his expectations. There wasn't the same build up as there hadn't been any school events, we hadn't been to see Santa or even to do a light trail or anything; he'd asked for some quite expensive presents so there wasn't much budget for "surprises" and how could any surprise be as exciting as a slinky or a whopper cushion?; grandparents are getting older and are more set in their ways plus the dynamic is totally different with a teen than it is with a younger child; he is more dependent on his peer group and not really being in contact with them for a few days is odd.
I think it's all part of growing up. Christmas doesn't happen to you when you're older so you have to create it. I didn't do "I told you so" but did mention that perhaps next year we will do some pre-Christmas activities like the lights trail I offered to get tickets for about ten times, do something with family friends and their DC even though those DC may not be my DC's good friends any more like I suggested several times, make a gingerbread house again, like I suggested several times. We have made some plans for this week including watching Home Alone together, getting the Lego out and building a couple of sets, going for a walk with one of the aforementioned friends (who, interestingly, are having a similar experience with similar aged DC) and we might even make a gingerbread house.
I think DS is at a stage where he is pulling away from family and, for 50 weeks a year, it works for him to be centred on school, friends and sport but it's gone a bit wrong at this time of year when so many do revert to being family focussed. In a few years, when he is more independent, he will be able to do stuff with friends but whilst he and his mates are largely dependent on lifts and parents facilitating things, there isn't that option. It's actually been really nice to see him and his older sister spending more time together again as it's the best option available. It's the same when we're on holiday.

It's been a very dreary dark couple of months and I am really feeling the lack of sunlight and vitamin d this year and I'm normally fine. I feel extra tired. Could it be this? Get him out in the daylight and get some vitamins into him. The days are getting longer now.

I wonder if all the build up you describe is actually part of the problem - if you spend a whole month doing loads of amazing, fun activities, then isn't it somewhat inevitable that you feel a bit flat afterwards?

Him also saying it didn't feel as magical as normal - well, it won't. Christmas changes as we get older and what's amazing to a younger child isn't going to be amazing to a teenager, unfortunately.

For my DS, part of the problem is social media too. Some of his friends are on holiday and spent Christmas Day at a waterpark, some have loads of cousins who they get on with really well, others have had huge amounts spent on their gifts. Their Christmases aren't any different to what they have done in previous years but it's only DS' first or second year getting live reports of it and, as we all know, it's hard not to compare and contrast.

Have said all of that, do keep an eye on your DS over the next few weeks and any signs of depression. For him, what he is feeling may not be the typical aspects of growing up but something more and whether it is seasonal or longer term, getting the right support for mental health problems early can make a real difference.

@biscuitsandbooks Agreed. I think even just the general build up to Christmas with the music and decorations everywhere are probably part of the anticlimax when it's done. I did suggest us cutting back on our usual Advent things next year but he said he likes them, they're just not as magical. He hasn't felt this way in previous years which is why he's worried.

He has 2 older siblings and one who is a couple of years younger and I would say none of them are as excited as in previous years, but none of them are in tears about it.

It's just part of growing up. The focus on him is changing and he does not have the same magic .... it is normal.

@thehousewiththesagegreensofa This is my worry. How to tell the difference between January blues and actual depression.

Aw, poor little soul. It's a transitional age, thinking about it and I'm sure both hormones and the post-Christmas blues are playing a part too.

It sounds like it might be time for a switch up if some of the old traditions aren't bringing so much joy. I have no suggestions as I'm not at thus stage yet, but hopefully some other helpful posters can give some suggestions of what they do with their young teens to reshift the focus from the magic aspect.

Around the age of 11 and starting Senior school , Christmas began to lack excitement for me . Santa seemed so babyish and I had grown out of toys . It's a natural part of growing up .

Basically, time will tell. I get pretty bad Jan blues and also post holiday blues (any big, exciting event, really 🙄) - it can take me up to three weeks to full recover sometimes, but it does decrease and will eventually wear off.

Christmas is an emotional time and hormonal teens are emotional. Just be on the lookout for things not fetting better and keep up the conversation.

I agree that this can be a very tricky transitional age, you're not a child but you don't yet have the independence and sense of striking out on your own that you do in your later teens. It's confusing and I can remember crying bouts and feeling utterly lost at times. I wouldn't worry about depression just yet but maybe if his mood stays low for several weeks into the New Year.

Next year I'd be inclined to try and spread out the Christmas activities so some come before the 25th and some after. I say this every year but I'm extremely cynical about just doing Christmas as a build up. I think even in adults it can mean an awful slump feeling afterwards.

My Ds, similar age, has been exactly the same this year. It’s a difficult age. Stuck between childhood and teenage. He has said Christmas hasn’t felt as magical this year, even though n we’ve done all the same things etc and it’s not even his first year without believing. I’m not sure what more we could have done! So hard.

It's totally normal, I really didn't like Christmas from the ages of about 14 to 23.
The 'magic' just isn't there anymore, I did enjoy spending time with family, good food and gifts but the concept of Christmas itself just seemed naff!
The magic came back when I had my first child when I was 23 and I started making it magical for them.

I would say there's a massive element of hormones and the doom and gloom feelings that sometimes accompany them. Which the just need to let him is a horrifically rough ride at times but also is normal, natural and not a sign of deeper troubles.

I hated growing older and wanted to hold on to being little as long as possible. I do get it.

It's also only the 3rd day of Christmas so lights and fun can still happen.

We did a lot before Christmas this year and I'm thinking actually we needed more time before the day and skating and pantos and stuff could also be done in this period. Are there any little festive jollies you could be doing in this week?
Most of the things near me go on till the 5th January. We still have a few Christmas parties left to attend too.

I'd talk about how things do change as you get older and maybe and is you get even older the magic is about how you create it and there is soooo much joy to found in that. Maybe make plans together?

January blues is so relatable when there's been so much excitement in the lead up. I tend to banish them through plans and goals and looking forward with excitement.

Over the last couple of days have you managed to get out of the house? Sometimes it's just a case of being cooped up inside and needing a change of scenery. I really don't think you need to start regretting his previous Christmases, they sound amazing and he loved them. This could literally just be a hormonal moment and it will pass. Has he got a friend he could go out with for a couple of hours?

I remember crying on Christmas at a similar age - my parents didn't do anything different but the activities all seemed a bit young even though I wanted to do them when they were booked.

I do think it's a bit of an in-between age - you're too old for baking cookies and light trails, but too young to really hang out with your mates and be properly independent, so you're kind of stuck.

This really. Growing up is scary.