To be worried DS13 is upset to have lost the magic of Christmas?

[bellav]

Last night DS13 was in tears. He tried to hide it but eventually admitted he was upset Christmas is over but also that he felt it hadn't been as exciting as in the past and that the magic has gone. Is this just part of growing up? He was worried this means a broader problem and that he might have depression. I tried to reassure him that feeling sad is normal at times and that Christmas inevitably changes as you grow up, but secretly I am concerned that he is so sad and worried.

My son is 7 and he said mama Christmas isn't as fun when you're a bit older, like mate you're 7 not 37 but he's not wrong 😅

aww, the sweet soul.

I remember having these feelings a few times in my teenage years. It’s an odd time in some ways - the magic of childhood christmasses isn’t the same any more but you aren’t yet a part of making traditions yourself and feeling the joy of creating an amazing Christmas that’s just how you want it. It can feel nostalgic and flat and confusing all at once. I enjoyed Christmas in my teenage years but I did lose some of the thrill for a while. For me, the excitement and joy really came back once I’d left home and then had the excitement of ‘coming home for Christmas’ each year, and now I love creating it for my family instead.

Maybe next year you can workshop some ideas in advance for traditions he might enjoy starting or creating to help him have more buy in to the day? But you’re doing the right thing to reassure him that it’s normal to have mixed feelings and doesn’t mean anything is wrong with him.

Sometimes I think this is fairly common as people celebrate advent more and take trees down early. He's probably feeling the January blues in December without school to get on with. There are still lots of trails around, new years eve. Would it help to have friends over or a day playing a computer game together? It could be depression but often sad feelings are just normal feelings especially when you're growing up. As he's a bit older is there anything good at the cinema on? My kids are a bit smaller so can't see 12s for example but you could push the benefits of being older!

Thanks for all the ideas. A very valid point that it's only the third day of Christmas. We have planned a cinema trip and meal out thus evening and we are going swimming tomorrow (something we actually had booked for 24th but the venue had a staff shortage and cancelled, which I am now glad of!). I guess time will tell. Not an easy age.

Poor chap. I think there are a couple of things going on here.

As PP's have said, this is a completely and utterly normal transition. He's tool old to fully enjoy the traditions, despite yearning to. But he's too young to fully enjoy the more gentle pleasures of an adult Christmas season. Throw in teenage hormones and the inescapable buildup it's a receipe for feeling flat and disappointed.

The thing that stood out to me is that he's jumped from feeling a bit low to worrying that he has diagnosable depression. This is a real problem for young people who IMO are struggling to differentiate between the normal highs and lows of human experiences and actual MH issues.

In your shoes I would be making a big effort to reassure him that his feelings are absolutely normal. Share with him your own experiences and those of other people. Don't dismiss his feelings and don't try and tell him that adult Christmases can be just as magical - that really isn't true and may just upset him further if he feels he should be able to conjure up these feelings but can't. You need to normalise the experience of feeling a bit flat and to find lifes transitions can be bittersweet. Teach him skills to help perk himself up (planning something to look forward to, getting out and about instead of moping etc). As an adult he will need to learn what works for him when he is feeling a bit blue - these are vital life skills.

Clearly you should keep an eye on him and watch for signs of him feeling worse, but nothing you've said makes me think this is more than just feeling a bit crap, made 100x worse by him not understanding why.

My DD (16) was also upset in the evening of Christmas Day, saying that Christmas just doesn’t feel the same as it used to. I remember feeling the same way at a similar age. She has always loved Christmas and for the past few years I have noticed that she’s been trying to cling on to the magic, by doing all the same things we did when the DC were little. She has a very strong sense of nostalgia for it. I think it’s also about feeling sad at growing up, partly due to pressures at school and not being 100% secure in her friendship group. It’s difficult to know how to handle it really, other than to try and reassure her and say that it’s normal for things to change as you grow up. It made me feel really sad though 😥

I think you need to reassure him (and yourself) that's it's NORMAL to feel flat/tired when you eventually stop after a busy period / highlight / exciting day.

The highs & lows of human experience are part of what makes us different from animals.

Long winter nights make people more tired ... that's biology & nature in action.

No need to rush to medicalise everything into clinical depression etc.

@thesunisastar and @huskytrot Very insightful and very true. So important to realise it's normal to not be permanently happy and not rush to diagnosing something more serious. And I totally agree about not insisting grown up Christmas is just as magical because it just isn't! Learning coping skills and ways to cheer himself up are definitely key here. Thank you.

My daughter is nearly 12 and was in tears on Christmas Day night as she said Christmas didn’t feel so special and Christmassy any more and it was making her feel sad. It’s now the third Christmas since my mum died.

We did everything for Christmas we have always done but I think she often feels sad in general about growing up, and often says she was much happier when she was 7/8. She’s in Year 7 now so there is also less Christmas stuff at school.

I don’t think you should be worried. I remember really not wanting to leave childhood at maybe age 11/12.
it’s a funny time when you know you are leaving your childhood and it’s a scary unknown. Teenage years are tough. It will pass, probably quickly!

I wouldn't worry too much that he s depressed but I would focus on helping him build resilience for when life doesn't always meet his expectations and how to find joy in the everyday!
Teach him the difference between Instagram ticktok and reality,
Help him develop coping skills, acknowledging his feelings is great but he needs to learn to turn those feelings in to positivity and not to wallow further if he is a little disappointed. Help him find ways of making new happiness and maybe reframing the current situation into one of growth and positivity.,

I used to get terrible after Christmas blues when I was a older child/teen. I remember feeling almost panicked it was all over so quickly and desperately sad to have to return to normal life. I had a brilliant childhood, no trauma, no bullying -I assume it was just normal and part of growing up. Hormones. Clinging to childhood. Anyway, I obviously did grow out of it, but still feel a twinge of sadness now and again when it's all over. I try to have a great thing to look forward to for New Year -a holiday, day out, show, event. It helps.

Generally the criteria for depression as opposed to feeling depressed, is if they're unhappy for no reason for two weeks or more.

I am going to propose he is feeling depressed because of the season and changes in his life as opposed to being depressed.

But, take a beat, he spoke so openly and emotionally intelligent to you. He is doing very well and fair play to you for raising him able to do that.

By all means keep an eye, but also give him encouragement and praise for his insightful comments. Depressed individuals tend not to have that due to the condition. No

I might be cynical but my first concern would be about general health. My DD tends to feel very teary and sad when she’s unwell, and often looking back it’s the very first sign. The other things to look out for are general seasonal tiredness, school pressure and lack of sleep.Teens love to sleep so maybe he is lacking this mental relaxation.
He may feel different about activities as well, they are nice but not cool teenager stuff. So he feels like it is a tradition to do them but they are not interesting for him and it brings mixed feelings. Cinema trips and meals out are very popular teen activities round here so hope he will feel a bit happier.

I don’t know if this is you OP, but I think generally speaking some people seem to go completely over the top about Christmas. There seems to be this expectation of magic or magical experience. I never did this with my children. We had a nice time, but not like I often read about on MN which to me seems sometimes a bit crazy and over the top.