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Original poster

Children and gift giving

42 replies

Whatisgoingonheredear · 27/12/2024 08:22

For context - big family, lots of children. We only buy for the kids.

Every year I ask what sort of things the children might like for Christmas, or what they're in to right now, so I can get them a gift they'll really enjoy (within reason as my budget isn't huge). This is also so my money is not wasted on something they won't use.

The same is not always reciprocated for our own. I know you shouldn't give to receive. But I put effort in to our gifts. My one year old was given something that says not suitable for ages 5 and under (by somebody with children so they do know), and my DD was given the same gift that she was given for her last birthday AND last Christmas. She was of course grateful and said thank you but I was disappointed for her all the same.

I half want to suggest that we just don't buy for each other's children and instead spend the extra on our own, or save the money. Not sure if I am being petty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 27/12/2024 11:09

Tumbleweed...

OP posts:
CynicalSunni · 27/12/2024 11:13

Was your daughter given the same gifts by the same person each time?
I am not sure what the etiquette is. Both sides of my family ask what the kid might like or go with clothes

Maybe when you are asking about their kids say ' mine really likes this and this at the moment' and see if they get the hint

PicturePlace · 27/12/2024 11:18

I hate it when people ask me what my kids want. I do all the work already to get them their own multiple Christmas and birthday presents. Do your own bloody work!

Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 27/12/2024 11:25

I hate it when people ask me what my kids want. I do all the work already to get them their own multiple Christmas and birthday presents. Do your own bloody work!

So you don't mind receiving gifts that your children won't be interested in at all, or see this as a waste of money? Or receiving a gift that says age 5+ for a 12 month old and is not remotely appropriate for a baby?

Obviously not everyone wants to do that, which is fine, but there's is a difference between choosing something nice yourself that you think the child will like/is appropriate, and thoughtless (not safe!) giving.

Was your daughter given the same gifts by the same person each time?
I am not sure what the etiquette is. Both sides of my family ask what the kid might like or go with clothes
Maybe when you are asking about their kids say ' mine really likes this and this at the moment' and see if they get the hint

Yes it was the same person, three times now.

I did send a message round to everyone asking for ideas for their children and that I could give some ideas for my children if they would like them. Even clothes, if they are stuck for ideas, would be good. I appreciate some people want to go it alone but it is a shame when something immediately makes it in to a regift/donate pile.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 27/12/2024 11:43

PicturePlace · 27/12/2024 11:18

I hate it when people ask me what my kids want. I do all the work already to get them their own multiple Christmas and birthday presents. Do your own bloody work!

But you're in a much better position to know what they want! It's almost impossible to know what someone else's children would like.

We used to swap Christmas present lists. I presume when I was too small to articulate my wants DM did it for me, but from about 4 onwards I was writing my own list, possibly addressed to "Fatehr Christmas" but circulated round the whole extended family.

Once my cousin and I were living at opposite ends of the country and not seeing each other for Christmas, so that considerations avout posting came into play, we slipped into agreeing a sum of money and each buying for our own DC, but labelling it up as from our cousin. Felt a bit transactional, but better than receiving a heap of book tokens.

Thewrongdoor · 27/12/2024 11:47

PicturePlace · 27/12/2024 11:18

I hate it when people ask me what my kids want. I do all the work already to get them their own multiple Christmas and birthday presents. Do your own bloody work!

Eh? It’s sensible to ask what kids would want - you’re best placed to know.

PicturePlace · 27/12/2024 13:25

More work for mothers. Do your pwn bloody present buying and thinking.

Tia86 · 27/12/2024 13:42

I don't understand why people seem so angry about being asked what their children would like for Christmas. If it's really that difficult as a parent to think of something, then for friends I would suggest you have reached the point of stopping the gift exchange and perhaps just meeting somewhere together for the day. If family then I feel it's ok to say child is saving for xyz so would be grateful for money towards this.

I too try to buy things I know other children would like, but it does become harder as they get older and know that for my son's recent birthday he was pretty pleased with money in a card from friends and not fussed that it wasn't something to unwrap.

BusyMum47 · 27/12/2024 13:57

@Whatisgoingonheredear

That's crap for your kids- so annoying when all the effort is 1 way. We had it a little bit when ours were young & it used to really wind me up! I'd be tempted to just bite the bullet & tackle it. Tell them that you'll have to save the baby's gift for a few years as it's not suitable/safe right now & ask if they have the receipt for your daughter's gift as it's the 3rd time they've given her the exact same thing!! Who was it from??

Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 27/12/2024 14:07

I agree about money if you're stuck (or stopping exchanging gifts). I know DD would have been delighted to be able to go the shop with some money and choose herself something.

Tell them that you'll have to save the baby's gift for a few years as it's not suitable/safe right now & ask if they have the receipt for your daughter's gift as it's the 3rd time they've given her the exact same thing!! Who was it from??

I'm a bit too nervous to say as it is outing...but let's just say somebody close enough to us to know a bit better, not a great aunt that we only see once a year.
I'm utterly dreadful with anything remotely confrontational so not sure I can bring myself to ask for receipts although I'd rather the kids had the money even if it's not a lot.

OP posts:
ParsonBrown · 27/12/2024 14:12

Lots of kids on DH side of family. Started getting ridiculous few years ago.

We all decided (after one family suggested it) to stop doing Christmas gifts for all the kids and buy for your own only.

We do birthdays only now. I usually send a card and £20 for each kids birthday + something special if it's either a 1st birthday or a big number.

Had saved A LOT of headache the last few years.

Kikiwiki · 27/12/2024 14:14

The kids on my husbands side are a bit older so we usually give cash / vouchers for shops we know they like. I’d have no idea what to buy them at this stage and tbh if I did buy them something, there’s a good chance it’s something they wouldn’t love. They love getting these as they’re able to put it towards something they really want. I’ve no problems in giving ideas, but also often suggest book vouchers as books are always needed!

Hollyandgrinch · 27/12/2024 14:20

Lots of people aren't particularly into gifts. We just do family gifts now to wider family - a big box of chocolates or a board game.

It's better than getting random stuff people don't want and it prevents awkwardness when some people are much better off than others.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 27/12/2024 14:22

Just stop the whole thing and next time buy a selection box and a board game for the whole family, job done. And suggest others do a "family present" too.

SophWin · 27/12/2024 14:29

Could you suggest a Secret Santa with a named gift, for each child?

We had an electronic version at work which allowed a link to a specific gift. No margin for error!

SquigglePigs · 27/12/2024 14:46

I don't understand people getting grumpy about being asked what their kids would like. Parents are best placed to know.

Depending who asks and exactly what they ask I'll either suggest a specific item or will say something like "she's really into board games and crafting stuff at the mo and she loves fairies and unicorns". It's not a hardship on me and makes it much more likely DD will get presents she'll enjoy. She has a December birthday so that makes it doubly hard for people.

Also, if people don't have kids of their own or their kids are babies/grown-up they'll probably have less idea what a 5/6/7/8 year old might enjoy.

PicturePlace · 27/12/2024 15:05

SquigglePigs · 27/12/2024 14:46

I don't understand people getting grumpy about being asked what their kids would like. Parents are best placed to know.

Depending who asks and exactly what they ask I'll either suggest a specific item or will say something like "she's really into board games and crafting stuff at the mo and she loves fairies and unicorns". It's not a hardship on me and makes it much more likely DD will get presents she'll enjoy. She has a December birthday so that makes it doubly hard for people.

Also, if people don't have kids of their own or their kids are babies/grown-up they'll probably have less idea what a 5/6/7/8 year old might enjoy.

Yes, saying "she's into crafting or reading" is fine. Asking what book or craft set to get her is not,

mondaytosunday · 27/12/2024 15:18

I think do a pull one name from a hat so each child will get one decent present. As for inappropriate gifts hopefully if just having to buy one the gifter will put more thought in to it.
My sister did the awful thing of giving my son a very nice present worth £100 and my DD one worth less than £10 and for a child much younger (she's 19 and the thing was decorated with a unicorn). No idea what she was thinking (she sent them).

Katemax82 · 27/12/2024 15:29

Thewrongdoor · 27/12/2024 11:47

Eh? It’s sensible to ask what kids would want - you’re best placed to know.

Show quote history

Exactly...my stepson never responds to requests what his 12 year old stepson is into we end up giving vouchers EVERY time

Stompythedinosaur · 31/12/2024 00:15

I'm another parent who hates being asked what the dc would like - it's just another task for women's mental load at a busy time! No one ever seems to ask men this.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 31/12/2024 00:20

Could you suggest a big family trip to a panto (or some other day trip) next year instead of toys?

grandpaunwell · 31/12/2024 00:57

It irritates me when folk ask what DD would like and then we get a load of tat / duplicates 😠

Pinkapie · 31/12/2024 03:44

Giving a few options of what they are into is a good shout but writing a list is too much.

SandieWooz · 31/12/2024 06:26

And the poor woman will probably have the headache of organising that too. I really would not bother.

ueberlin2030 · 31/12/2024 07:21

Stop buying gifts for children other than your own, it maked life much simpler. Now is the time to decide on this for next year!

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