Toxic grandparents or over reacting?

[Jesbm]

help!

My LG is 2 and since she was about 3 months my parents have really been overstepping.

context we stay in a flat in the city centre - my in laws stay across the road so support network is really close. Aware of this and the jealousy of my own parents who stay an hour away my LG has went down to my parents a few days a week to stay since she has been about one.

my mum has always had a tendency to say first think later and some of the comments have been nasty but I’ve written them off as not meant in that way (I had food poisoning when she was nine months old and my mum came up and got her because I was “unfit to look after her”). I stay in a flat and this not any good to raise a child, I don’t know what I’m doing and she will make childhood ailments disappear.

it’s got worse in the last 6 months after a disaster of a holiday in June when my other half blew up due to the overstepping in a caravan. She has essentially written him off and been bad mouthing him since (to me and to anyone who will
listen) meaning visits and meetings have been strained.

my LG got sick at end of Oct/nov (nothing serious just nursery) with impetigo-chicken pox- cold which meant we stopped her from staying away for a few weeks. This turned nasty as we were accused of keeping her away from them.

at end of Nov LG was rushed into hospital as chest infection got worse and resulted into two days on oxygen. This led to another arguement when my dad expected me to leave the hospital bed to let him in to check on “his baby”. When I said no to visit the following day as we were hopefully getting out they refused.

all out war broke out as I couldn’t keep fighting on two fronts with them and with trying to keep my lg healthy.

a lot of things have been said regarding different things and comments have been thrown that can’t be taken back but I was still trying to find middle ground.

Christmas day they came up to see her as the chest infection is back and worse so she is not leaving the house. It was a disaster of strained atmosphere, sly comments etc. they also forgot the ring doorbell so when leaving got caught bad mouthing my other half who left to give them time with my LG

i don’t know what to do! I am at the cutting of stage but it’s hard!

any advice?

This makes me appreciate my own grandparents so much.
They raised me during the summers while my family worked.
I can’t imagine them behaving like this, @Jesbmand in addition to your stressful life and trying to keep your baby well, this is just piling on.
Maybe tell them (kindly but firmly) what you’ve told us here, and that you’re giving them a 90-day moratorium. During that time, they need to come to the understanding that Baby is your baby and as such, the remarks, the vocal recriminations and all the criticisms will come to an end. All the snarky remarks about family members stop.
The two of you are in charge. The atmosphere is decidedly more happy in 90 days.
If, in 91 days they cannot commit to this new atmosphere, they are more than welcome to remove themselves — this is the new world and you two are the captains of the ship.
Sending love.

It sounds as though your parents are controlling and they've not accepted that you've grown up and become an adult in your own right.
You and your DH need to get your ducks in a row and get those boundaries set and hold them firmly. I think you're both either too nice or too browbeaten for your own good, and they've taken advantage of this.
As others have said, you're potentially in a sticky situation because your parents are essentially co-parenting for 2-3 days a week. If they start down the route of it's because you couldn't cope without them, it's going to be tricky to push back against unless you have everything sorted for her being with you full-time e.g. nursery place etc etc
You might also want to think about whether you're accommodating their wishes/demands because of fear, obligation, guilt (FOG). The Stately Homes thread might be interesting and illuminating reading.

When you say ‘stay’ do you mean you’re on holiday? Presumably a long break if you’ve been staying there several weeks?

I’m in a slightly different place to others.

It sounds like for whatever reason it’s grown to a situation where the grandparents do a lot of parenting. With that context, it’s pretty brutal and unreasonable to block contact over relatively minor things, or when the child is in hospital. Leaving a bedside to let someone into a ward isn’t an unreasonable request. It’s in the same bracket as going to the loo.

If things feel like they’ve moved to a point you’re not happy with then by all means take some time out to have a sensible adult conversation and reset some boundaries. But recognise in that that the starting point is a position that you’ve been involved in creating where they do a big chunk of the parenting and cutting that off blank isn’t fair on the child or them.

In Scotland where you stay means where you live.

OP, I think you need a re-set.

Your child is not for parcelling out to prevent your parents being jealous. This is madness, and feeds their idea that they have a right to time with your child, to dictate how you manage your parenting and criticise your DH. You have made them ringmasters of this circus by pandering to them and placing their needs at the centre.

Take back control. Stop the 2 or 3 days a week thing. YOU suggest times they can meet up or do an activity, but I would tell them that 2/3 days every week is not working for you: 1. You need to secure the nursery place 2. Your baby is only a baby for such a short time and you are not happy with so much separation.

Most importantly: make it clear that you and your DH are a team. That you act as one and in no way will they come between you, nor will you put up with their criticism of him. It is irrelevant (though to his credit) that he doesn’t care what they think: your job is to have his back as he has yours. Any comments from your parents, deal with, right there and then. “DH is my child’s father and my DH, we act as a team”, “that may be your opinion but I do not wish to hear it” “that is something DH and I will discuss between ourselves “, “thank you for your opinion but DH and I will form our own view” etc. Be prepared with calm but firm responses.

Ultimately you may need to tell them that your priority is your Dd and you are not prepared to subject her to tense bickering and certainly not to hearing her Dad criticised so if they are unable to STFU / keep their opinions to themselves, they will need to leave.

They will push back. Take no notice, just keep calmly and firmly to your points. Don’t rise to antics. Once YOUR boundaries are in place you might find the whole relationship calms down.

If not, go v low contact. They sound insufferable.

OP when you say “stay” do you mean “live”?

Look up 2 posts ⬆️, in Scotland that means where you live.

An I see I was confused as to what meant live and what meant stay 😂

Anyway. Toxic nutters OP. Stop the overnights