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AIBU?

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Original poster

Toxic grandparents or over reacting?

59 replies

Jesbm · 27/12/2024 06:43

help!

My LG is 2 and since she was about 3 months my parents have really been overstepping.

context we stay in a flat in the city centre - my in laws stay across the road so support network is really close. Aware of this and the jealousy of my own parents who stay an hour away my LG has went down to my parents a few days a week to stay since she has been about one.

my mum has always had a tendency to say first think later and some of the comments have been nasty but I’ve written them off as not meant in that way (I had food poisoning when she was nine months old and my mum came up and got her because I was “unfit to look after her”). I stay in a flat and this not any good to raise a child, I don’t know what I’m doing and she will make childhood ailments disappear.

it’s got worse in the last 6 months after a disaster of a holiday in June when my other half blew up due to the overstepping in a caravan. She has essentially written him off and been bad mouthing him since (to me and to anyone who will
listen) meaning visits and meetings have been strained.

my LG got sick at end of Oct/nov (nothing serious just nursery) with impetigo-chicken pox- cold which meant we stopped her from staying away for a few weeks. This turned nasty as we were accused of keeping her away from them.

at end of Nov LG was rushed into hospital as chest infection got worse and resulted into two days on oxygen. This led to another arguement when my dad expected me to leave the hospital bed to let him in to check on “his baby”. When I said no to visit the following day as we were hopefully getting out they refused.

all out war broke out as I couldn’t keep fighting on two fronts with them and with trying to keep my lg healthy.

a lot of things have been said regarding different things and comments have been thrown that can’t be taken back but I was still trying to find middle ground.

Christmas day they came up to see her as the chest infection is back and worse so she is not leaving the house. It was a disaster of strained atmosphere, sly comments etc. they also forgot the ring doorbell so when leaving got caught bad mouthing my other half who left to give them time with my LG

i don’t know what to do! I am at the cutting of stage but it’s hard!

any advice?

OP posts:
parietal · 27/12/2024 07:46

They sound very difficult and demanding. You can put boundaries in place and be low contact with them.

theallotmentqueen · 27/12/2024 08:00

They sound awful. They are not owed access to your child, or you for that matter. Stern boundaries are the way to go. I would tell them that you and your child will leave and cut a visit short if any of the following happens:

  1. They insult you or your partner
  2. They attempt to control your parenting
  3. They make a single ‘sly remark’.

I would formally establish this in an email to them, informing them of exactly what you will do if they continue- leave the situation with your child and partner. Make it incredibly formal and polite. Tell them you love them, but their behaviour is currently unacceptable. It might be an idea to stop them from visiting your home for a while as it sounds like they wouldn’t leave if you asked them to. You want to be able to exit the situation.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 27/12/2024 08:06

Awful arrogant people.

They are not the parents.

You and your h are.

Tell them to piss off.

Fraaances · 27/12/2024 08:14

Block them. YOU are the parent, not them! They need to learn that their place in her live comes after you and DP and only THROUGH you two - if they learn to respect you.

jolies1 · 27/12/2024 08:54

Firstly, make sure you have alternate childcare arrangements than your parents. It’s difficult to set firm boundaries if you are relying on them to watch your child. Go and see your parents without DD, meet somewhere neutral.

“Mum, dad, if you continue to be rude and critical you’re not welcome in our home. I would like DD to have a relationship with her grandparents but this will not happen if you can’t show myself and my husband some basic respect & back off a bit. She’s our child, not your baby.”

MarvellousMrsMouse01 · 28/12/2024 10:27

OP this sounds like a really crap position to be in, I'm sorry. It sounds like your parents need some tough love so they realise they are overstepping the mark. I would certainly be addressing ALL of the behaviours you've been seeing from them, and no more visits from your LG until they address these (sincerely) and apologise. PARTICULARLY in regards to the way they treat your other half. They're lucky that they are not being cut off completely at this stage! It'll be tough but it has to be done if you want to regain control and respect.

teatoast8 · 28/12/2024 10:31

Go no contact

YippyKiYay · 28/12/2024 10:50

Are your ILs supportive? You said they live close but so they support you and your DH? If so that's great, I'm glad you have someone on your 'team'.
Your parents sound awful. Bloody awful and horrid. No-one should be hassling you to bring your child around, no-one should even dream of hassling you when your child is ill, let alone in hospital. You need to be blunt. Tell them they have overstepped and you are having a break from them. You expect them to apologise and stop interfering and badmouthing your other half. It's not on. Don't be guilted into putting up with it. You'll feel better not to have to deal with all their shit.
Good luck. Hope your child feels better

1HappyTraveller · 28/12/2024 11:09

They are toxic!

Firm words and firm boundaries (and stick to them!)

Would suggest explaining their behaviour to them and going low contact until they improve. Repeat as needed.

Santaisinbedalready · 28/12/2024 11:11

No more unsupervised contact with your dc.. You give them scope to seek legal advice about getting proper access in place.. Back away and keep your dc with you
They haven't got your dc's best interests at heart have they? Nope.
. Imo.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 28/12/2024 11:16

Stop the overnights and unsupervised contact now.

It sounds like its going to get to the point where you will go nc, and they could potentially go to court to get access if they have a long established relationship where they have her alone.

You and your Dp are the parents here, and, currently, you DD is seeing her dad leaving his own home so grandparents can visit, and hearing digs and comments aimed at both her parents. It's not healthy, and the older she gets the more she will understand.

It can be tricky to make the transition from your parents being your main family, and you being the child who does as you're told, to having to say no and stick up for your own child and her family, but it does need to happen.

FictionalCharacter · 28/12/2024 11:43

theallotmentqueen · 27/12/2024 08:00

They sound awful. They are not owed access to your child, or you for that matter. Stern boundaries are the way to go. I would tell them that you and your child will leave and cut a visit short if any of the following happens:

  1. They insult you or your partner
  2. They attempt to control your parenting
  3. They make a single ‘sly remark’.

I would formally establish this in an email to them, informing them of exactly what you will do if they continue- leave the situation with your child and partner. Make it incredibly formal and polite. Tell them you love them, but their behaviour is currently unacceptable. It might be an idea to stop them from visiting your home for a while as it sounds like they wouldn’t leave if you asked them to. You want to be able to exit the situation.

This is a good idea. Set it out clearly. If they then do any of those things, do exactly what you said you’d do. Be firm, consistent and don’t back down.
Also, do not give them any unsupervised contact with your child whatsoever from now on. Some GPs think they have some kind of right to this. They don’t. And your parents have shown they can’t be trusted.

Swiftie1878 · 28/12/2024 11:44

What happened in June?

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 28/12/2024 11:47

This sounds hard! Your parents sound difficult.

I would set clear boundaries with them. Be firm with them. If they overstep them then cut contact.

no wonder your partner exploded. He must have been at breaking point

Mamasperspective · 28/12/2024 11:50

Tell them that the relationship your in-laws have with your child does not have to be equal to be fair.

i would say that their blatant disrespect of your DH means you will be taking a long extended break from them because your DH and your child are now your immediate family and your parents are now your extended family - as such, you will always stand by your DH's side and their childish and toxic behaviour will not be tolerated.

I would say that any comments regarding your parenting decisions or ability to parent are none of their business as LO is not their child and they have zero parental responsibility. If you wanted their opinion then you would ask but otherwise it is not wanted nor required.

You really could do with putting your foot down and having a good 3-4 months no contact - their actions have consequences. I would say that until they can sit down, accept some accountability for their comments and behaviour and genuinely apologise to your DH then they will not be welcome in your home.

Nameychangington · 28/12/2024 11:55

Aware of this and the jealousy of my own parents who stay an hour away my LG has went down to my parents a few days a week to stay since she has been about one.

They sound awful but it's no wonder they've overstepped if you've been sending your child to stay with them for a few days every week, an hour away from you, since the age of 1. Why has your child spend so much time essentially living part time with your parents?

SadSandwich · 28/12/2024 11:56

Boundaries. Can ur OH tell them that they are no longer welcome in your LGs life. And a gentle note, that they haven’t been and aren’t good parents to you, what makes you think that they will be good Grandparents to your LG? When does this abusive behaviour start in her. You know what to do.

ChristmasinBrighton · 28/12/2024 12:08

Block them, they sound batshit.

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 28/12/2024 12:13

Nameychangington · 28/12/2024 11:55

Aware of this and the jealousy of my own parents who stay an hour away my LG has went down to my parents a few days a week to stay since she has been about one.

They sound awful but it's no wonder they've overstepped if you've been sending your child to stay with them for a few days every week, an hour away from you, since the age of 1. Why has your child spend so much time essentially living part time with your parents?

Absolutely this!

It sounds more like a shared custody arrangement and that they are essentially coparenting her.

This is not a normal set up OP. Why do they have her so much of the time? Is there backstory here?

Original poster
Jesbm · 28/12/2024 16:20

Hi everyone and thank you so much for your comments!

Bit of background - my mum wanted to spend time with lg and she was meant to help when I went back to work full time as nursery wasn't an option (no spaces for the first bit)

This slowly became staying at theirs with different family visiting and wanting to spend time with her. When she got a nursery place they still asked to have her. This no longer became a need to watch but a sure build the relationship until she goes full time or school

OP posts:
Nameychangington · 28/12/2024 17:55

So your 2 year old actually lives part time with your parents? That does make a bit of a difference.

Original poster
Jesbm · 28/12/2024 17:57

Hi

No she doesn't she stays with me and her dad full time.

OP posts:
Bonjovispyjamas · 28/12/2024 18:03

I would be distancing myself from them.

Nameychangington · 28/12/2024 18:14

Jesbm · 28/12/2024 17:57

Hi

No she doesn't she stays with me and her dad full time.

Well I'm confused because you said my own parents who stay an hour away my LG has went down to my parents a few days a week to stay since she has been about one.

If your child has been staying with your parents a few days a week since she was 1, of course they are acting like they're her 'other' parents, they have essentially been parenting her half the week for half her life. This is very different to a more standard set up with grandparents who a child might see along with their parents for a visit of a couple of hours at a time a couple of times a month or something.

Original poster
Jesbm · 28/12/2024 18:16

No that's a fair point to make.

I have tried to pull it back a few times but it ended up with argument after argument

OP posts: