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AIBU?

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Original poster

Toxic grandparents or over reacting?

59 replies

Jesbm · 27/12/2024 06:43

help!

My LG is 2 and since she was about 3 months my parents have really been overstepping.

context we stay in a flat in the city centre - my in laws stay across the road so support network is really close. Aware of this and the jealousy of my own parents who stay an hour away my LG has went down to my parents a few days a week to stay since she has been about one.

my mum has always had a tendency to say first think later and some of the comments have been nasty but I’ve written them off as not meant in that way (I had food poisoning when she was nine months old and my mum came up and got her because I was “unfit to look after her”). I stay in a flat and this not any good to raise a child, I don’t know what I’m doing and she will make childhood ailments disappear.

it’s got worse in the last 6 months after a disaster of a holiday in June when my other half blew up due to the overstepping in a caravan. She has essentially written him off and been bad mouthing him since (to me and to anyone who will
listen) meaning visits and meetings have been strained.

my LG got sick at end of Oct/nov (nothing serious just nursery) with impetigo-chicken pox- cold which meant we stopped her from staying away for a few weeks. This turned nasty as we were accused of keeping her away from them.

at end of Nov LG was rushed into hospital as chest infection got worse and resulted into two days on oxygen. This led to another arguement when my dad expected me to leave the hospital bed to let him in to check on “his baby”. When I said no to visit the following day as we were hopefully getting out they refused.

all out war broke out as I couldn’t keep fighting on two fronts with them and with trying to keep my lg healthy.

a lot of things have been said regarding different things and comments have been thrown that can’t be taken back but I was still trying to find middle ground.

Christmas day they came up to see her as the chest infection is back and worse so she is not leaving the house. It was a disaster of strained atmosphere, sly comments etc. they also forgot the ring doorbell so when leaving got caught bad mouthing my other half who left to give them time with my LG

i don’t know what to do! I am at the cutting of stage but it’s hard!

any advice?

OP posts:
MrsTWH · 28/12/2024 18:23

What on earth have I just read??

  1. why would you send your one year old away for a “few days every week”? She’s your child, not theirs! This is not normal and has understandably blurred all the boundaries.
  2. they badmouth your partner, to the extent where he had to leave his own flat on Christmas Day? Are you stopping this or sticking up for him? If the tables were turned we’d all be saying “you have a DH problem”. You need to be on your DH’s side, and make it crystal clear that if they cannot be civil to your other half and your daughter’s father then they won’t be welcome. What are they saying about you both in front of her do you think?

This is a hugely toxic situation, they sound awful but you’ve let this happen. Reading between the lines, your parents have done a real number on you to have this level of control and poor behaviour over you where you accept it. Were they abusive to you growing up? It’s time to put some clear, strong boundaries in place and if not completely remove them from your life, at least have minimal contact.

MrsTWH · 28/12/2024 18:26

Also if they’ve essentially had 2-3 days a week with her for this long, I’d be getting some legal advice in case they try to take you to family court for access to her. You’ve set them up almost as her co-primary caregivers!

Santaisinbedalready · 28/12/2024 18:31

An argument takes 2. Cut them off if via phone they kick off. Irl you leave the situation physically.. Don't engage with their bloody nonsense..

Nameychangington · 28/12/2024 18:32

Jesbm · 28/12/2024 18:16

No that's a fair point to make.

I have tried to pull it back a few times but it ended up with argument after argument

It seems like you have drifted into a situation which isn't working for you but works for them, and you're going to have to put in firm boundaries and stick to them completely to pull this back. No matter the arguments you'll have to just not get into a discussion with them, as clearly they feel entitled to have their opinion be included.

You'll have to make very clear e.g. there will be no more sleepovers. They can see DD in her own home with her parents present when invited, or not at all. Or whatever works for you, but it'll have to be very clear that you are the parents and any attempts by them to parent your DD you will have to shut down. And they won't like it so you'll have to be prepared to hold firm and keep holding the boundaries consistently .

I don't envy you but it is possible.

FuriousPoodle · 28/12/2024 18:35

it’s got worse in the last 6 months after a disaster of a holiday in June when my other half blew up due to the overstepping in a caravan

What actually happened? What do you mean by blew up?

justasking111 · 28/12/2024 18:39

Block them on your phone temporarily. But be prepared for ranting parents at your front door. In that case you can call the police.

Ughn0tryte · 28/12/2024 18:47

You and your partner had one child, not three. This child is your priority which includes attachments to you and your partner, their health and safety.

Your parents are adults. They are choosing not to act like adults. You are not responsible for this and therefore need to stop facilitating the 'reduce jealousy' by doing xyz as this serves to support their needs and not your baby's.

It's hard to say no to adults who brought you up and you used to trust but they aren't behaving like this at the moment. You need to advocate for your child.

MsCactus · 28/12/2024 19:05

Jesbm · 28/12/2024 18:16

No that's a fair point to make.

I have tried to pull it back a few times but it ended up with argument after argument

I think you need to pull it back. Maybe a slow fade - once a fortnight at first, then scale back to once a month.

They think they are her parents as they look after her so much - I can see why it's happened, but you need to scale back the contact to stop them acting like this.

Make excuses if you want to be polite - she's got a cold again etc, and then gradually scale back the visits and stays

Original poster
Jesbm · 28/12/2024 19:11

Tried this and it's how we ended up with the situation at Christmas

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 28/12/2024 19:13

You and your dh need to take full and independent responsibility for your daughter. Why aren't you doing that and can you afford to do it?

If you are saving rafts of money on nursery fees due to yiur parents taking her for childcare, what on earth were you all doing in one caravan together over the summer?

There is something that sounds quite bizarre going on here.

Hankunamatata · 28/12/2024 19:19

How many days is a 'few days a week'? Do you need this childcare or can you afford to pay for childcare?

Id be laying down that they are not welcome until they can stop slagging off dc dad

Original poster
Jesbm · 28/12/2024 19:31

Hi everyone this is OP's husband I don't like or normally post on things like this but I feel like I need to put a bit of information out that my DW isn't adding due to not knowing how to write it.

Everyone is wondering what "blow up" happened in June it wasn't a bit full on fight it was an argument over hair bobbles. I like my DD to have her hair done in cute pigtails especially if we are going out, at the caravan we had the party night which happens at all caravan parks and my DW was doing out DD hair, she wouldn't sit still as children are know to do so she asked would I do it. I went into the living room area of the caravan and sat my DD down and started to do her hair.
My MIL started that I'm ruining her hair by putting it in bobbles (baby safe) I said I was doing her hair my MIL snapped back that her Gran said no F'in bobbles I snapped back well I'm her F'in Dad and I'm putting bobbles in. That's the blow up.

From that point my MIL has essentially decided I do not exist and has been bad mouthing me to my DW and anyone else who will listen (to be fair I do not care she's doing this I'm a grown man I can deal with her being petty)

A lot of what my DW hasn't added is how her mum reacts near her if my DW says no to something my MIL says yes. Unfortunately my DW has had this all her days and has learned it's easier to give into her mum than to fight.

My Daughter going down for a couple of days was done out of niceness not necessity it was meant to be my MIL would stay with us for a day or 2 whenever she wanted while my daughter was little it ended up being she went down for a night that just grew arms and legs ( give an inch take a mile )

The comment about us not affording out daughter or childcare I don't care for me and my DW are in well paying jobs, we paid for the full caravan holiday and invited family to join us on our expense bar their petrol to drive down.

OP posts:
kiwiane · 28/12/2024 19:33

They could end up with access rights if you leave her to stay with them a few days a week! I would use the nursery and try to improve your relationship whilst being clearer over your boundaries.

MsCactus · 28/12/2024 19:37

Yes I would thread carefully here. As your DD stays a few days a week they could be entitled to access rights.

I would try to keep on friendly terms with them and gradually scale back the contact - just make excuses and ignore their arguments. If you let her stay with them a few nights a week long term it could lead to access rights so you really need to scale it back/stop it happening now while she's still little.

Why not say instead that they're welcome to come see her at yours? Or say she's visiting her other grandparents and they're welcome to join too (but stop the single visits and overnights)

MsCactus · 28/12/2024 19:38

Also, for the record they're obviously being v v unreasonable, but thinking the overnights is the main long term issue really

Nameychangington · 28/12/2024 20:22

Jesbm · 28/12/2024 19:11

Tried this and it's how we ended up with the situation at Christmas

You have to keep doing it, stick 100% to your boundaries 100% of the time. It's the only way. They're not going to like it, of course they won't, but they're never going to like it so you've got to take the bull by the horns. You can't do this without pissing them off, but if you don't do it things are going to carry on like they are.

Swiftie1878 · 28/12/2024 22:50

However you got there, you’ve ended up with your parents considering themselves as co- parents of your child.

You need a big, open conversation about a reset.

You need to take responsibility for this though - you are to blame. They have not been over-stepping, they have been doing their job for your child.
You need to thank them, then say it’s not how you wish to continue. They need to become grandparents NOT co-parents, so boundaries need to be redrawn.

Good luck. You’ve got yourselves into a right old pickle here.

Fraaances · 28/12/2024 23:28

Pull the plug on these awful humans having access. She’s not a dolly or a pet. They don’t own her. You two are her parents. Time to behave that way.

Pherian · 29/12/2024 00:49

I would address it in writing. Draw out the boundaries. Let them know if they don’t like those boundaries they are cut off.

Fraaances · 29/12/2024 02:05

One more thing, you should keep these unhinged messages, and future ones… etc, just in case they try and take you to court for access if you stop contact. If your decision is to cut right back, make sure you keep a diary of contact and messages to prove that you have stopped giving them unsupervised care of your child. It’s really important that you have evidence to cover your butt here. They sound just the sort to try something.

MissDoubleU · 29/12/2024 08:08

You’re letting someone else be a co-parent to your daughter out of “niceness”

that’s not ok and needs to stop

CountessWindyBottom · 29/12/2024 19:29

This thread is wild. How on earth have you gotten yourselves into a situation where your own daughter lives with you PART TIME?!

peachystormy · 30/12/2024 08:12

They sound absolutely horrible

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 02/01/2025 03:28

Please listen to the above posters and OP--you need to grow a backbone and STOP giving it to your parents demands before you alienate your DD and your DH. Do you want your DD to listen to the constant degradation of your DH? If not, I suggest you do something about it.
They are nasty and unkind and don't deserve to be that much of a focus in your DD's life. It sounds like you need your IL's to take some time with your DD and wean your NVDP away from being co-parents.

ParsonBrown · 02/01/2025 03:34

"my LG has went down to my parents a few days a week to stay since she has been about one"

WHY TF is this happening?

She should be with you full time. An update from you states she is but the above says otherwise. Does she stay with them a few days a week or not?

Grow up and put boundaries in place before they do to your child what they've done to you and make her unable to say no.