Am I right to be disappointed?

[LaraS2511]

My Husband has a very large family, his sister 6 children & brother 4 children. Every year all 10 children get a Birthdays & Christmas gift from us. For Christmas they all got a thoughtful gift between £10-20 & the older ones got £10 in cash in addition, two of them much older ones 18+ got £20 but no wrapped present so approx £200+ on presents & money etc. I have two children, 10 yr old son & 18 yr old daughter. My daughter got an unwrapped box of chocolates from my sister in law & my other sister in law some batted box of gin miniatures which my daughter doesn’t drink. My son a board game which he isn’t into (they knew this) & nothing else from the other sister in law. Am I right to be upset? This isn’t unusual, it happens every year! My husband doesn’t get why I’m upset! There is zero effort or thought. & I’m just so over it!

I'd be pissed off more than upset.

Announce early next year you're stopping presents. I wouldn't give an excuse in this situation but if you want to just say there's too many kids now, you're scaling back, getting hard to buy for. Suggest everyone just buys an extra present for their own kids on their birthdays and then they'll get something they like (subtle dig, you buy my kids shit and we don't want it thanks).

Are they your husband’s children or his step children?

I agree with just saying as it’s getting expensive let’s all agree not to do gifts anymore.

His children, both of them.

His children x

Seriously you have to stop - aside from the obvious expense, the sheer effort to provide 10 children (some 18+) with must be a lot.

Send a note saying - that you the chocolates and board game but from now on you have decided to scale back the gifting and suggest they do the same.

Yes, this, stop the present giving and the cash too. Why were you giving present+cash anyway?!

Or you can lead into it by giving each child a £1 selection box next year. And the year after give nothing.

If DH complains then just tell him it’s up to him to sort his family and you’ll sort yours.

Who buys the presents?

Too many people to buy for (for everyone). Organise a family-wide secret Santa and include everwho will be getting together (allows for new partners, random guests etc to be involved). Lots of fun, saves money, clear rules, everyone gets a gift of same value. If you meet up in sub-groups do it for each sub group.

Maybe they just don't place a lot of value on presents at Christmas? If I were you I'd just make a tradition of buying a present for each family, like a board game, and save yourself some money and hassle.

Either stop buying or meet their gift-giving energy.

The only thing I would say is that your child received chocolates, gin and a board game. You feel that these are thoughtless gifts but it is possible that they are similarly unimpressed with yours.

Easier all round just to call it a day I think - then spend the £200 on your own family.

I bet even if OP organises a secret Santa, this lot will give her a Dove set.

Lots of posters trying to justify their rudeness. Even if they don't value presents, you very clearly do so they should have taken a whole 10 minutes in poundland or on amazon to reciprocate the gift giving.

I don't absolve the older kids on their side from the thoughtlessness.

Don't say anything or try to excuse yourself. Next year, just stop. If they are crass enough to ask where their presents are, tell them you're matching energy. They clearly don't value your effort on their behalf or your kids feelings, so got the message they sent loud and clear.

Don't escalate by having a conversation where their lack of manners gets spun into a you problem. You repeatedly get them gifts, they repeatedly can't be arsed to reciprocate.

Message heard and move on with no acrimony- spend the time and money on a spending time together treat with your kids over the summer months instead.

To be fair, they bought chocolates, gin and a board game that they might have spent the £10-£20 budget on and felt were appropriate.

What sort of gifts did you give?

It's so much simpler if you just stop extended family gifts.
An alternative is a family secret santa, but that can have issues too.

I'd be careful how you play this, OP. I think gin miniatures are a really cool present for an 18 year old. I also think cash for a gift is completely impersonal and the opposite of a thoughtful gift. Those are just my opinions, and yours differ, obviously. But you seem to be saying that objectively these aunts and uncles are not giving good gifts to your children. It won't go down well if you / your children say anything other than, "Thank you."

My first thought is that with so many of their own kids to buy for, they're more skint than you. Maybe your know that they're rolling in it, but in a similar situation in my family I look at is as I'm buying for the kids and it's not the kids who are buying for my kids so I don't compare what they get with what they're given. Their parents are more strapped and I like to give the kids something, which is different to my two who get plenty already. As I say, your family could be different and you definitely shouldn't be stretching yourself if you no longer want to, but if the kids themselves were grateful then what their parents got my kids wouldn't be the deciding factor for me.

I buy the presents, all of them from my money. My husband is extremely laid back & if it was down to him it wouldn’t happen!

Don't do it next year.

Well I certainly couldn’t afford that many children & I know one of them is definitely struggling. I have no issue with buying but just a little more thought i.e wrap the box of chocolates!

I would personally be quite annoyed, but I'd also take note and perhaps next Christmas, just give a gift without any extra cash.

Even though they might not have anything against you or could be cash-strapped, they're not going to do more for you than you do for them. You’ll end up disappointed if you give them more and receive less in return.

Similarly, I have a friend who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, so for her birthdays, I would send her a gift. I liked to think I was being thoughtful, like giving a personalised necklace from Etsy one year, a Charlotte Tilbury gift set the next, and even a necklace from Monica Vinader once. In return, for my birthday, she’d send me a bunch of flowers. Don’t get me wrong, but I found it quite lazy, so I stopped giving her gifts. Suddenly, on my birthday, she started sending me some really lovely presents again.

Mainly beauty sets for the girls as they are teenagers, for the younger children toys like Spider-Man & paw patrol, a lynx set for an older boy. Each one was carefully thought about & selected & a card with money in too.

Every year you get the same from them and yet you are pissed off?

Stop spending this money.
A selection box each from now on.
Stop with giving money.

This is on you to stop doing.

Just scale it back OP, maybe they can't afford or don't have time to be as thoughtful as they have so many children. They might be relieved if you just send a selection box and some socks next year. Twenty minutes in B&M and you'll be done!!

Stop. Now. Your husband doesn't care and doesn't choose or pay for these gifts so stop. It's his family and his responsibility.

Just stop spending so much on the presents. That way you will feel less hard done by when your children unwrap (or not) something they don't want.