Am I right to be disappointed?

[LaraS2511]

My Husband has a very large family, his sister 6 children & brother 4 children. Every year all 10 children get a Birthdays & Christmas gift from us. For Christmas they all got a thoughtful gift between £10-20 & the older ones got £10 in cash in addition, two of them much older ones 18+ got £20 but no wrapped present so approx £200+ on presents & money etc. I have two children, 10 yr old son & 18 yr old daughter. My daughter got an unwrapped box of chocolates from my sister in law & my other sister in law some batted box of gin miniatures which my daughter doesn’t drink. My son a board game which he isn’t into (they knew this) & nothing else from the other sister in law. Am I right to be upset? This isn’t unusual, it happens every year! My husband doesn’t get why I’m upset! There is zero effort or thought. & I’m just so over it!

I think this is on you. If you don't want to buy presents then don't but deciding to buy presents then expecting people to reciprocate in the same way could be seen as rude too.
They might think you are putting them in an awkward situation.

It really is as simple as stopping buying them presents. Continuing to buy presents but feeling resentful is the worst option.

They aren't even your siblings kids.

Just stop, or buy a big tub of sweets as a 'family' gift and leave it at that. In my family there is 8 kids across siblings, but we all gift equally to each child so everyone makes the effort. If it wasn't, I would bother because it's a hassle and expensive to do otherwise!

YANBU probably spent £30 each on our nieces and nephew, thoughtful and fun gifts. Our kids always get something back that was a 10 second search on Amazon and half the value, often doesn't work or is unsuitable. It's not even the value it's the lack of thought. But still it's nice for the kids, just think of them. If you get on with them ok then it's nice they know you take the time and effort but I'd probably not give cash anymore.

Whatever you decide, do it soon and let them know! Just say that it’s getting harder to know what to buy and is getting expensive but say that this year is the last year you are buying them gifts/giving money. Just don’t leave it until later in the year, so it now so no one expects anything from you next Christmas. Generally, I think a lot of people have had to scale back so don’t feel bad about it!

I voted YABU simply for your expectation that it’s the aunties/mums/females to sort the gifts and you are blaming them rather than their husbands, and only one of the aunties is the sibling of your hubby. Maybe the SIL married to your hubby has had enough of the mental load which a lot of us know increases exponentially at times like Christmas and told your DH’s DB to sort his own families’ gifts out. Perhaps your DH’s DS is equally frazzled and has barely sorted her own kids’ pressies. But whatever the reasons and even if there is no valid reason, it shouldn’t all on the women!

They’re inconsiderate tight arses.
I wouldn’t even announce no gifts, I just wouldn’t bother. Or if I did, I’d gift each of them a Terry’s chocolate orange at £1.50 a pop.

Aside from the expense, I would be pissed off at the lack of thought and consideration put into the gifts. Seems like a lot of people can’t be bothered and just buy any old shit for presents, consequences be damned.

But you're buying for the kids, not the adults. I personally would continue because it's a nice thing to do.

Send everyone a text message saying “hi xyz, we’ve had a good think & decided that since Xmas is getting more & more expensive every year- as I’m sure you’re aware, we will no longer be buying gifts for anyone other than our own children. We will still send a birthday card to your kids, but just going to pop £10 in from now on so they can put it towards something they actually want. Please don’t buy for our children at Xmas either as we would rather make things fair for everyone.”
straight to the point without being rude.

just say that for next year you have decided that since it's obviously too much effort for all of them, you're sacking off gifts.

Or that you'll all do secret santa with a limit of a tenner.

Then just sit back and relax.

You have every right to feel disappointment, but in a way you are setting yourself up for this.
It’s lovely that you buy such thoughtful gifts, especially for as they are for DH’s family, but you cannot control how the recipients react, and it doesn’t appear that this is a new thing.
I also agree with an earlier poster that you are unreasonable to blame it all on just the females.
It might be better to tell them that in future you think it’s best not to exchange individual gifts, maybe buy a large tin of sweets or biscuits per family, and spend the rest on your own children.

sorry, beauty sets and lynx are not "carefully thought out" gifts. Follow your husband's lead and knock it on the head.

I have decided 2025 is the year i stop giving a rats ass about my DH's children! We've been together coming up to 12 years, in all that time I or my own 2 children have yet to receive a card or a gift from any of his 4 darling children (all adults well into their 30's), yet I am expected to ensure no birthday or special occasion goes unnoticed for them.

2025 is the year where I take care of our home, look after ourselves and I shall take care of my children and he can sort his own out!

I had a bit of a MH breakdown last month, i was exhausted running round after his family, making sure they were happy, being the one making the contact, arranging social events.. the list was endless! and for what? so if his relationship with his children fails, then its not my fault, its not on me!

sorry i went off on a rant there

if DH's family, leave it up to him. ie do nothing, the madness & your irritation stops.
An alternative is to buy one gift for each family - large box of chocolates/board game etc.

I think you need to chill out. Maybe they feel the same about your presents. Money isn’t exactly a personal present either is it. If you don’t want to continue to buy for them, then don’t. Feels like an easy one.

I was the last in my group of friends to have children. I used to get some of their kids gifts. Then one year, after I had my own and I had bought thoughtful, carefully chosen gifts for each of a friend's three kids (as I had been doing for over five years), my friend gave my DD a toothbrush. Not a cool Disney princess one. Not even a branded one. But a Boots own brand kiddie toothbrush worth about 69p. Another friend called me at Easter (she lives abroad) to say she knew I had sent her kids presents (as I had done for several years, and she never bought my kids any), but 'sorry they get so many I can't remember what you gave them'.
That was the last year I got presents for anyone outside my immediate family.
Stop doing it. Let your DH of he wants to but he doesn't seem to care. Don't say you h as be no issue buying - you obviously do, and in the face of the total non repricocity I'd stop now.

Tell you husband it's his family so his job to buy presents. Just stop doing it.

If you can afford it, continue and don't complain to hubby. If you cant afford it just let them know that from next year your donating a small donation to a charity as cant afford gifts for all. Dont let your choice be motivated by revenge, expectation of something in return because they could be playing toxic mind games and will relish in you complaining about the injustice and use it against you.

I don't actually think the gifts you got (beauty sets, lynx set etc) sound any better than the ones they got you, (board game, chocolates, gin gift set). I think the only issue is that one set of in laws seems to have forgotten your DS (are you sure a present didn't go astray?)

I buy the presents, all of them from my money. My husband is extremely laid back & if it was down to him it wouldn’t happen!

Is "laid back" the right description of your DH? More like lazy and can't be arsed, but is happy for you to spend your time and money on it. I'd be more disappointed in him than the wider family, @mrsm43s.

Tell them that going forward you won’t be exchanging gifts for adults anymore.

they are your husbands family so up to him to sort. Tell him the magic fairy has quit.

spend the money you save on your family.

This!

also if it’s been going on for years it’s not going to change. You either buy the presents for your nieces and nephews because you want to with no expectations for anything back or just put a stop to it all if you feel too aggrieved for your own kids. But it may well be that they don’t think a lynx set etc is a thoughtful gift and you are all caught in a trap of buying crap or exchanging money when no one really wants to be doing it and none of the kids are bothered either

This

Well then the answer to this is to just stop, imagine how much less hassle you’ll have next year without having to organise all those gifts. Just message now, or not at all, and say you’re simplifying you’re life and going forward not exchanging birthday or Christmas gifts.

Really having to remember birthday cards for 10 as well as Christmas is too much and your DH isn’t bothered about sorting them so why should you. Stop now before the older ones start having children of their own and you’ll feel obligated to buy gifts for those children too.

Stop now and feel no guilt but pure relief.