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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law

83 replies

chloesl1808 · 26/12/2024 19:01

My MIL lives down in England and we are in Scotland.

She told us she was coming up on 23rd December but when I say she is the WORST person at organising her life, I would be underestimating. Her organisation and planning skills are non-existent. Anyway my husband never heard from her in the run up to Christmas and on her last trip up here, he explained that this Christmas we were just going to have it as just the 3 of us - me, my husband and our 1 year old daughter. So he never hears from here until early hours of Christmas Day!!! And she says she will be driving up on Christmas morning and she will be staying with us. My blood BOILS. First of all, the audacity to just assume you're coming here for Xmas but also to be staying here! Also, she is vegan and we are not so we didn't have much exciting foods in the house for her. I would usually feel bad about this but I didn't as she made me so mad just showing up like that.

I eventually got over this rude and disrespectful behaviour until today!!!! It continues... we had my husbands friend over to catch up with us as he lives in London now. He came with his girlfriend who is lovely. Anyway, try and cut a long story short, the girlfriend was explaining how she uses certain CBD items and my MIL (!!) then goes on to say she has certain illegal (in the UK anyway) items in her car. The girlfriend asks if they can go and try some and off they go. 2 woman, one in her 40s and the other in her 60's with children and grandchildren run off like 2 little kids going to a sweetie shop and disappear for around 2 hours to go and smoke said substance in MIL's car. Honestly I'm furious.

I am a very chilled laidback person and not stuck up when it comes to people using these substances but the thing that boiled my blood the most was that first of all they were in our house visiting us then running off to do that, we had ordered pizza so they then returned when my husband went out to look for them to wave them that the pizza had arrived. My house is now filled with the smell of the substance and my poor little girl was in the living room when they came in and filled the room with the stench.

To top this all off, I have just enjoyed the best year of my life on maternity leave raising our daughter and I go back to work on 6th jan so I was so excited for our Xmas day together and having a chill couple of weeks before I go back as it is going to be so hard for me.

Honestly I feel disrespected but may be overreacting. Like I say, I'm such a chill person but this really has hit a nerve with me. I told my husband already I'm so mad and he said he is to. He says he will speak to his mum but unsure.

Anyway just looking for any words of wisdom or for people to tell me to get a grip if I'm being ridiculous! Lol.

OP posts:
Hoglet70 · 26/12/2024 19:04

They were out of order to bugger off and get stoned but I'd try and get over it as life's too short really.

Gcsunnyside23 · 26/12/2024 19:09

I would have been furious and probably told them both just to leave. It was so rude to just turn up also, has your husband said anything yet? When is she leaving?

HappiestSleeping · 26/12/2024 19:12

I may be misunderstanding something here. The drive from England to Scotland, unless she lives on the border, is several hours. Plenty to tell her "we aren't here, we've gone away for Christmas", or for your husband to say "sorry mum, we said we were having Christmas by ourselves" or any number of other alternatives.

How did she manage to drive from England to Scotland without some of this discussion happening?

Dearg · 26/12/2024 19:14

It’s the classic DH problem. She is his mother. He needs to tell her what you expect. I would not want the smell of weed in my house, never mind around children.
But she clearly has a chaotic lifestyle and she appears to think everyone needs to fit in. If your DH agrees with your view, he needs to tell her.

Sympathy, she has no manners.

Original poster
chloesl1808 · 26/12/2024 19:15

HappiestSleeping · 26/12/2024 19:12

I may be misunderstanding something here. The drive from England to Scotland, unless she lives on the border, is several hours. Plenty to tell her "we aren't here, we've gone away for Christmas", or for your husband to say "sorry mum, we said we were having Christmas by ourselves" or any number of other alternatives.

How did she manage to drive from England to Scotland without some of this discussion happening?

So she lives in Durham

She had sent the message at 3am, my husband was sleeping at this point. She left Durham at 6am and by the time he got the message (Christmas morning was busy!) she literally was ringing our doorbell.

OP posts:
Original poster
chloesl1808 · 26/12/2024 19:16

Gcsunnyside23 · 26/12/2024 19:09

I would have been furious and probably told them both just to leave. It was so rude to just turn up also, has your husband said anything yet? When is she leaving?

Apparently she is here until 2nd Jan Shock

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 26/12/2024 19:19

2nd Jan? Nope. She can leave tomorrow. That gives you some time as a little family together.

LoveSandbanks · 26/12/2024 19:36

I will never understand the cognitive dissonance of a pot using vegan!

Original poster
chloesl1808 · 26/12/2024 19:46

LoveSandbanks · 26/12/2024 19:36

I will never understand the cognitive dissonance of a pot using vegan!

I don't think I'll ever understand her. Lol!

OP posts:
HappiestSleeping · 26/12/2024 20:03

chloesl1808 · 26/12/2024 19:15

So she lives in Durham

She had sent the message at 3am, my husband was sleeping at this point. She left Durham at 6am and by the time he got the message (Christmas morning was busy!) she literally was ringing our doorbell.

Show quote history

Wow, that is a good effort on her part. You say she isn't organised. I put it to you that she is, in fact, very organised as she didn't even give you a chance to hide.

What has your husband said in all of this? Has he had any type of discussion with her?

Original poster
chloesl1808 · 26/12/2024 20:04

He is equally mad and said he will be talking to her about it. I trust that he will as he knows how annoyed I am about it but time will tell I guess.

OP posts:
MrsTigerface · 26/12/2024 20:30

YANBU. Honestly, I am shocked by your MiL’s behaviour. It’s appalling. I think that if I were in your shoes I’d get your DH to say something like “afraid 2 Jan for you to leave doesn’t work for us, mum. We have things on over the weekend and for NYE. It’s been lovely to see you but we’ll need you to go on Saturday.”

CurbsideProphet · 26/12/2024 20:35

Your DH needs to get himself together really. He could have said to her "look mum happy Christmas and all but we weren't expecting you, why have you turned up like this?"

Chorizmo · 26/12/2024 23:11

Get her to get her fags out again and call the police.

MissDoubleU · 26/12/2024 23:15

LoveSandbanks · 26/12/2024 19:36

I will never understand the cognitive dissonance of a pot using vegan!

In my experience a vast number of vegans smoke weed. Why cognitive dissonance? It’s a plant..?

MissDoubleU · 26/12/2024 23:17

chloesl1808 · 26/12/2024 19:16

Apparently she is here until 2nd Jan Shock

Show quote history

This needs squashed now. She had Christmas, she doesn’t get to ruin Hogmanay also. DH needs to tell her immediately that you have plans together and she can’t stay any longer.

Barney16 · 26/12/2024 23:20

Whoah she sounds "interesting" is she a proper hippie? I'm fascinated tbh.

pestowithwalnuts · 26/12/2024 23:24

Why didn't either of you ask her why she had arrived in your doorstep on Christmas day when she'd already been told you were just having a little family Christmas just the 3 of you ?

Snoopdoggydog123 · 26/12/2024 23:29

How have you got to your grand age without a spine?

FFS stand up for yourself. Tell your husband she's leaving today.

So either he falls out with her or he falls out with you.
And he has a lot more to lose with you.

Moonshine5 · 26/12/2024 23:32

It's definitely out of order behaviour on behalf of both of them.
(Ps.You do not sound like a "chill" person)

Isittimeformynapyet · 26/12/2024 23:47

MissDoubleU · 26/12/2024 23:15

In my experience a vast number of vegans smoke weed. Why cognitive dissonance? It’s a plant..?

Show quote history

Yes, I'd like to know too.

Maybe @LoveSandbanks just wanted to use the expression "cognitive dissonance" to sound clever.

In my experience veganism and weed smoking often go hand in hand.

MissDoubleU · 26/12/2024 23:50

Isittimeformynapyet · 26/12/2024 23:47

Yes, I'd like to know too.

Maybe @LoveSandbanks just wanted to use the expression "cognitive dissonance" to sound clever.

In my experience veganism and weed smoking often go hand in hand.

Show quote history

Wracking my brain to connect the dots and have only thought of how the plants may be grown using animal fertiliser - which many other plants and vegetables are also grown with. Not much you can do on that one. Or perhaps an argument of tobacco products not being vegan, but many people use weed without tobacco. Stumped!

DoggoQuestions · 27/12/2024 00:05

Vegans are generally vegan because they object to the animal cruelty involved in raising farm animals or obtaining animal products.

By smoking weed (as opposed to CBD gained by legal means) you are supporting the drug trade which involves a hell of a lot of harm, cruelty and murder of humans and human children.

So, moral objection to drink milk...but happy for children to be murdered to get stoned.

MissDoubleU · 27/12/2024 00:08

DoggoQuestions · 27/12/2024 00:05

Vegans are generally vegan because they object to the animal cruelty involved in raising farm animals or obtaining animal products.

By smoking weed (as opposed to CBD gained by legal means) you are supporting the drug trade which involves a hell of a lot of harm, cruelty and murder of humans and human children.

So, moral objection to drink milk...but happy for children to be murdered to get stoned.

Drug trade of cocaine, sure. Drug trade of weed? Darling it’s not the same. You can buy weed off your neighbour down the road who grows it in his bedroom. No child is getting murdered so the MIL can get stoned, give your head a wobble

DoggoQuestions · 27/12/2024 00:38

MissDoubleU · 27/12/2024 00:08

Drug trade of cocaine, sure. Drug trade of weed? Darling it’s not the same. You can buy weed off your neighbour down the road who grows it in his bedroom. No child is getting murdered so the MIL can get stoned, give your head a wobble

Edited
Show quote history

And you can milk your pet goat in the garden without harm. But if you're vegan, you wouldn't.

If you are against the drug trade, you're against the drug trade. A neighbour growing it in their bedroom isn't enough to deal. Are you completely unaware of teens getting stabbed in cities around the UK, predominantly due to gangs and drug dealing?

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