To not say thank you for money

[googledidnthelp]

Long story short my dad has intentionally gone no contact with me, approx 18 months he wished me well with my life. I am not going to get into the back story but it was not our conflict that led to this decision but wider second family issues and I guess as he is getting on in years he chose the easiest life for him. His decision, my hurt but I’ve been respecting it.

He sent me a text the morning of my wedding. I sent him a message on Father’s Day, he thanked me. He did not message on mine or my son’s birthday, that’s the extend of the contact - he has not deleted me on Facebook but he doesn’t interact either.

today he paid money into my account, no message. It will be for my son for Christmas. I know because he paid a sibling also.

is it unreasonable and ungrateful to not acknowledge it?

id rather have two minutes of his time or a even a text than silent money.

I feel so torn and hurt whatever I will choose.

I do not have his bank details to return it before anyone suggests it.

I feel like there’s a lot missing from this story.

Why did he choose to go no contact? Is he no contact with your sibling?

up to you whether you text him

Just give it to your son / put it in his bank or spend it on something for him.

I think you should do whatever puts you at peace.

Does your son have a bank account? Maybe you could give him those details so it doesn't have to come via you, then you can side step the issue/ DS can send thanks age dependent.

You’re just as bad as him if you don’t acknowledge it. Maybe he’s trying to reach out?

It’s difficult. I am very LC with a parent (once or twice a year) and want to say happy Christmas in a text but it feels awkward. I have been pondering this text for a week. I just don’t have the words to sign off when love you and see you soon aren’t appropriate. Anyway, my point is…

The silent money shows he’s thinking about you but doesn’t know what to say. Perhaps you could send a text thanking him and saying merry Christmas?

Then why not use his words like a big boy? I’d withdraw it and put it through his door OP. I hate people who think they can fling money at a problem and it all be ok.

Quite a few things left out which might change the answer... but I'd say keep it, give it to your son. Drop a text saying "Thank you for the money which I have given to DC. Happy New Year". I'd leave it at that. I would keep the money though - as it's for your DC and why should they miss out.

Say thankyou as basic good manners ( as in "thankyou for the gift for xxx Christmas") and leave it as that. No more, no less.

I'd thank him. He might be trying to establish contact and if not, you'll be the bigger person anyway.

Life is too short.

Just text him, money received. I’ll give it to DS. Cheers

and leave it that

For a father to go nc with their child due to a second family issue that's nothing to do with that child is pretty unforgivable. I wouldn't acknowledge it. If this is the case, he sounds like a very selfish and unpleasant person. If he wants to talk to you, as another poster pointed out, he needs to put his big boy pants on and pick up the phone.

@googledidnthelp

I'm guessing that your dad has gone NC due to pressure from another family member. Someone close enough that they'd know if the two of you were maintaining a relationship, but doesn't have access to his finances to know he's sent the money. And that your dad would have a relationship with you if this person wasn't around.

My advice is to think about what you'd like in the long run if this person wasn't influencing him. If you'd like a relationship with your dad, then I'd send a brief 'thank you, I will buy XX something nice with the money" or whatever. But do it knowing that it although will not prompt a response, it will keep the door open just a tiny crack. If you feel your dad has (for lack of a better word) 'betrayed' you past the point of no return, meaning if he came back on his knees you'd tell him to get lost, then do not acknowledge the money.

Edit: in the latter case, it's up to you what you do with the money. Either spend it on your DC, write a cheque and mail it back to him with NO note/letter, or donate the money to a worthy cause.

Tell your bank to help you refund the money, if you can NOT say "thank you"

You say a second family issue? So, he remarried and has a new family, you don’t get on or whatever so he has abandoned you and your children?

He is a wanker. I wouldn’t be sending him any messages. I would also send the money back to him. He isn’t your dad anymore. You certainly won’t get a look in with inheritance since his 2nd family is around, or help if anything ever happens to you or your children. Or any support ever.

Nah, send the money back and don’t ever acknowledge his existence again.

You and your dad have a very strange idea of 'no contact'. What you've described is not no contact.

Yes you should send a thank you text.

She should say thank you? The man cut her out, and didn’t even go to her wedding, because of “second family issues.” Which means he abandoned them for a new wife and/or kids.

A text on the morning of her wedding does not a father make.

Do not say thank you. Send the money back.

I wouldn't thank him but really I would r accept the money either. He isn't part of your lives, his choice. I an NC with my mother and she pulled this stunt once, I sent the money right back (in the mail) - I found it highly intrusive and an attempt at string pulling.

Yes say thank you. It's basic manners.

"The silent money shows he’s thinking about you but doesn’t know what to say."

This @googledidnthelp

Thank him and clear your conscience.

The burden is on him ignoring you for his second family.

Weird to be sending money now when he couldn't be there for you on your wedding day. What does he want? To make sure his bridges aren't totally incinerated? For how much? £20?
I don't like the rudeness of transferring money without a word to you, who does that? It's annoying that the end result of whatever you do is off; if you thank him he's now father of the year; if you don't thank him you prove you're not worth the trouble; if you send the money back, you're difficult. Does he have form in putting you in awkward situations? (Sorry, stupid question as he didn't turn up on your wedding day) He sounds awful and I am sorry he is your father ❤

He chose to cut his daughter out of his life, why does he deserve 'basic manners'?

Then ask for details and send it back.

If you still value him and hope for a resolution at some point, I'd send him a brief thank you message.

Just be cordial.

'Thank you for the money I've put it in George's saving account. '

I think you can send him a message.

"Dad. I love you and miss you but (child) and I don't feel comfortable accepting gifts from you given that you don't seem to want to be in contact with us. I think it's best for this money to go to charity for now. The only gift we would really want would be your time, and a chance to rebuild the loving relationships between us. Please do get in touch if you feel able to do this."