To have tried and failed to make mum friends

[keepitanonymous]

I’ve been to lots of baby / toddler groups but while I chat and people are nice I’ve never really made a friend as such.

I did NCT with my first and although those friendships were initially close the cracks are definitely showing now (children start school next year) and I’m not sure we’ll stay in touch beyond perfunctory how are yous.

Is it different at school? My child will go to a very small school which I know could be cliquey but I guess I’m hoping to get IN the clique 😅

Why do you want mum friends? I didn’t do any baby classes or groups and as DT’s went to breakfast and after school club, I was never at the school gates. DT’s never lacked for friends or invites to parties.
My friends, built from my school days, Uni, work, extended family, hobbies are totally separate from DT’s.

I'm not a very friendly or sociable person but get on well with the school mums. From time to time they'll organise drinks and I'll occasionally tag along. It's sort of unavoidable when your children make friends and you're taking them to parties and play dates etc. My DS is inseparable from a boy in his class and so I've built a relationship with his family over time as the boys wants to be together as much as possible.
If I were looking to make friendships it would be easy enough.

Thanks @AhBiscuits , that’s good to know.

Parker231

many parents want to make friends with other parents of children the same age, as they can share experiences of what is happening to their changing babies at the same time.

it means they can be sociable on maternity leave together and have WhatsApp chat groups

it might not be for everyone, I don’t have particular mum friends made at this time. For many though it’s a life saver and helps

Good for you.

Maybe the op feels and wants different things.

My eldest started school in September and I've found the school mums much more easy to make friends with than mums from toddler groups/nursery.

There's an active class WhatsApp group that people have used to organise a coffee morning, and drinks. We've also been to a couple of birthday parties and hosted DS' birthday party for the whole class, plus a couple of park meet ups and playdates, so we've got to know a lot of people to say hi to.

You do have to put yourself out there a bit - like making friends anywhere - but with school there's a sense that it's worth getting to know people as our kids are likely to be in the same class for the next 7+ years, and we are all on roughly the same timetable and quite local to each other, which is different to toddler groups.

To be honest, I don’t really speak to my NCT group anymore. Frankly, the only thing I really had in common was that we had sex at roughly the same time and got pregnant.

We’ve got a really nice group of friends now we’re at school, very lucky that we naturally walk in with a fun group in the mornings. I find making friends really hard. Baby and toddler groups everyone seems very wrapped up in their own stuff.

Stop trying to make “mum friends”. What even is a “mum friend”? Friends are friends. Mums are not a different species from other people.

If you relax and take people as they come and don’t overinvest and overthink you have a much better chance of making friends than if you imbue something with a significance it can’t ever live up to. Don’t expect too much and learn to take things as they come and you will be pleasantly surprised.

And don’t expect a ready made social life just because your kid is at a school. School is for the kids not for you. If you go into it trying to build your friendship network I guarantee you will end up finding it “cliquey” and “bitchy” (as per the threads on here daily from people who can’t deal with school).

So many people are their own worst enemies here by massively building school up in their heads as a big social opportunity for the parents and then get jealous and shitty when other parents have previous pre-existing friendship groups. Don’t be one of those people: it will make you look petty and it won’t help your kids.

Which is why I asked why she wanted mum friends.

That’s really good to know @@89redballoons , thanks!

I do know what you mean by Frankly, the only thing I really had in common was that we had sex at roughly the same time and got pregnant but it is a fairly significant thing! I mean, you could apply that logic to anything ‘the only thing we had in common was that we went to the same school / worked at the same place / did the same course at the same uni.’

I think sometimes you just click with people and other times you don’t, and sometimes you click with people and then slowly unclick over time.

That was a … forceful response @Thepeopleversuswork

I don’t think I’m particularly trying to do anything, I’m just conscious my children’s lives are nicer with friends.

I found school to be much different yes. I made plenty of good friends when my kids went to school.

Baby friends and mum friends are transient OP. You may make one or two who will last through the various stages of your life, but those people will be rare. My kids are teens now. Am I still in touch with the mum friends I made when they were babies? No. Am I still friends with the mum friends I made when they were in primary? No. I see them from time to time and I wouldn't say that we're not friends, but they're no longer people that I see regularly. Our kids moved on to other schools, other activities, other friends, and so did the parents. The only sure thing about life is change. Roll with the changes. Make your friends among your interests, not from people who just happened to pop out a baby at the same time as you, because that's all you've got in common and over time it's not enough to sustain a friendship.

Your children will make their own friends - not something you can do for them.

Yeah sorry if that sounds a bit harsh.

But I have seen this play out so many times on here and it’s a mindset thing. There are threads on here on a daily basis from women feeling sleighted because of the “cliques” in some nursery or school.

Invariably all this is is that people have their own friends and an OP’s nose is out of joint for not immediately being welcomed into those friendships. But it’s a misplaced hope.

The thing is you won’t be admitted to every friendship group because life’s not like that. People will make their own friends. If you make peace with being chilled and accepting that people have a right to make the friendships they want and not accuse them of being cliquey you will save yourself a huge amount of pain and heartache.

Believe me I know and I’m not into proclaiming people have cliques or anything like that, but that was basically three paragraphs ranting at me because of things other people on here have done!

Anyway it doesn’t matter - only asking!

I never really made friends at baby groups. Nursery and school gates are definitely better. Find the class parties a good chance to socialise with other parents and have clicked with a few of the mums over the years, however school and kids the same age are definitely the main thing we have in common.
There's occasionally mum nights out, pta quizzes etc and I always go to these.
Keep doing what your doing, don't have high expectations and eventually the friendships will follow.

I've never been in with the mum crowd. When mine were younger I would get talking to other mums at parent and toddler groups but it wouldn't really extend beyond that. Maybe it would if I'd made more of an effort but I'm an introvert and with four kids I was wrapped up in them with not a lot of headspace to focus on prioritising new people.
With the school mums I've found that if you do make friendships they can be a bit wishy washy and when the kids move on, the friendship just fizzles out. In my experience of the school pick up, there was only one " clique" and they were unpleasant. The rest were just people who chat to each other with varying degrees of how well they know each other.

That’s fair: I guess some of us have seen this all before.

Its just when you said you wanted to get in the clique it rang alarm bells a bit.

You can’t go into it with that mindset.

Do not worry about cliques or being IN the clique - concentrate on spending time with nice people who treat you well doing things you both/all enjoy.

Indeed, nothing is more off-putting than someone who's trying to 'join the IN clique'. Just the fact that you there is one suggests that you are a 'mean girl'.

I still forget but it has taken me a long time to learn that there are so many different kinds of 'friendship' and the friendships can change.

Most friendships are circumstantial: mummy friends and work friends are prime examples so enjoy these when they are fun. If they fade, it's normal to mourn them a little but you'll move on to your next phase and meet a new group.

I think the internet gives a false impression because it can be so easy to keep in touch. In the old days, when you took a new job / moved to a new area, you hardly ever saw the people from before unless you had a true connection worth making the effort for long distance phone calls (they were expensive!) or the effort of letter writing and traveling to meet up.

As your circumstances change, so may/will your friends just like after you change jobs you almost never see those colleagues again. If you are lucky, over the years, through the circumstances, you'll maintain a few friendships but even these may not be ultra-close. As ever, you get back what you put in: if you make the effort to keep in touch, listen well and involve yourself in people's lives, many of them will reciprocate.

Wow - that was a strong response!!

I actually had a great experience when mine started school and made some fantastic friends who I was super close with throughout my children's school years and it definitely made it easier for me too.

The kids loves that we had a friendship group and often did things together as a group and we made so many memories together - we even went on holiday one year.

I didn't have an expectation that I was going to make friends like this but I am so pleased I did.

Also, lots of parents do have existing friendship groups but are welcoming and if you click then you click. Lots will be in the same boat as op and not know anyone.

I was preempting the comments about the school gate being cliquey. A lot of complaints about cliques are more ‘people being friends with one another.’ Equally though friends can branch off and when you’re left behind it can be hurtful.

Some of you are being a bit silly - I’m a mean girl now 😂 I’m definitely no longer a girl and I’m certainly not mean. I just am reasonably sociable, I don’t live in the area I grew up and I know parenting is easier with friends. If that makes me a mean girl then seriously

I think you're just calling it way too early. School is a huge pool compared with NCT. It's all still ahead of you.

It can but there’s actually only eight children in an average reception class - so only one more than my NCT group! It depends on the school.