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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dishonesty / lies / small print

34 replies

Tibbytab · 26/12/2024 00:36

Essentially, my husband and I stopped talking to his family about 4 years ago.

About 2 years ago, I touched on the suggestion that he saw his mum and dad. I suggested somewhere neutral since they are aging and I wouldn’t want anyone to have regrets. He wasn’t in ‘that place’ so didn’t see them. I said fine - I wasn’t about to force the issue and respected his wishes.

However, a couple of days ago I discovered last minute (and through an accident) that he was seeing them before Christmas for an hour. I was fuming about him not being open and honest. There was no need for secrets and being sly. I don’t have any issue with him seeing his parents but I have a massive issue with him not being honest and transparent.

Then it turned out that his sister was there. I had asked him outright if she would be there since she was particularly nasty to me. He said no. Then it transpired that she turned up and they exchanged presents.

Am I being sensitive but I am so upset. I was even crying today up in our room. I had sent him a message saying how important values like honesty and trust are to me and that he seems to have chosen to be dishonest. I called him a liar. He said he hadn’t lied since technically he said, “they know better not to turn up”. I said that I shouldn’t have to check the small print of his words and actually he had been underhand phrasing it that way to deliberately give me the wrong impression

OP posts:
Original poster
Tibbytab · 26/12/2024 00:38

So I sent him a fairly long message saying how hurt I was, that he should just have been honest etc. I got a reply saying, “I’m thinking of a response….”

That is it

Nothing since

i have hid my feelings for the kids sake but I don’t want to talk to him or spend time with him. In my head he is sneaky and dishonest. He even knows how upset I am and has said nothing

OP posts:
Whatevershallidowithmylife · 26/12/2024 00:42

First of all stop with the texting and have a proper conversation! It was obviously a very big step for him to take and sometimes, rightly or wrongly, you just need to do things without telling anyone which adds to the stress.

ASeriesOfTubes · 26/12/2024 01:22

So two years ago it would have been OK, but not now? You've given us no information, let alone full context, about why you cut contact four years ago, so it's very difficult to judge who if anyone is BU. They are his family after all.

You say there's no need for secrets and being sly, but it seems likely there's a reason why he saw them without telling you.

RosannaSpider · 26/12/2024 01:28

Why did you fall out

ThisCosyAquaHiker · 26/12/2024 01:46

OP, I looked up your posting history to see if there was any more background on the family fallout, and I saw your other recent thread re. your recent mental health struggles.

I think you need to seek professional help, ASAP, and probably not seek advice on AIBU (which isn't exactly the most gentle of places).

Take some positive steps to look after yourself.

CuriousGeorge80 · 26/12/2024 01:48

I don't think anybody has the right to tell somebody they can't have contact with their family, or control what that looks like. Your comment about his sister suggests you wouldn't have been ok for him to see her; which I don't think is acceptable.

What you can do is say you (and potentially your kids depending on the history and issues) will have no contact with his family. And he should respect that.

It's impossible to tell from your post really whether he didn't tell you because he was worried about how you would you react. Only you can reflect and know on that. Occasionally I don't tell the full truth because the reaction will be so unpleasant and extreme it is easier to lie - weak of course but not all the fault there is mine. Reflect on that in your case.

SpiritAdder · 26/12/2024 01:53

Your reaction isn’t normal OP.
It’s his family. He doesn’t need to tell you when he’s taking a step to see his parents for 1hr- something you recommended he do. He likely didn’t know his sister was going to be there.

Your perception seems strange. He hasn’t lied or been dishonest. He hasn’t been sneaky or sly. No wonder he can’t think of a response, he’s likely completeky blindsided by your strange reaction.

If the pp is correct, I think you do need to contact your therapist. Your thoughts are bordering on paranoia and it’s not something that should cause you to be crying in your room or even upset to start with.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 26/12/2024 02:43

It does depend on what happened in the past with his family.

Oblomov24 · 26/12/2024 06:02

I don't know about OP's posting history or MH, but I disagree with the idea that she is overreacting.

It doesn't matter what the topic is. It doesn't matter that it's re his parents, who she previously encouraged. Come on, it's deeper than that.

Whatever the topic it's about trust, lying, being transparent, open honest and communicating. Or lying by omission. That does matter. Whatever the issue.

Onlycoffee · 26/12/2024 06:45

Op do you know why your DH didn't mention he was seeing his parents? And if he exchanged gifts with his sister it sound like he knew they were going to be there,

I wouldn't like that level of sneakiness either. He's been in contact with his family, arranged a meeting and even gone shopping and wrapped presents without mentioning any of it to you.
I don't know how people aren't seeing this as anything but the opposite of open and honest.

Obviously there's more to the story but I don't think there's much to mitigate not mentioning any of this to you as it happened.

If op's DH was protecting op's feelings he would have said so straight away.

Original poster
Tibbytab · 26/12/2024 08:28

Just to say, I have no problem at all with him seeing his parents. It was my suggestion 2 years ago after all.

My issue is that he chose not to tell me. I only found out that he was seeing them by accident, he must have known his sister would have been there to exchange gifts with her yet denied her being there when I asked him beforehand and I don’t see why he just couldn’t have been transparent and told me.

I cannot fathom why. People have suggested about my reaction - but my reaction would have been to say fair enough. If I felt anything different I wouldn’t have suggested it to him 3 years ago.

If it was reversed, I would have had a conversation with him prior to seeing my family - maybe to seek his advice, to weigh up pros and cons, to be honest, to get support myself since it would be emotional.

It really isn’t about him seeing his family. It’s just about being clear and transparent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tibbytab · 26/12/2024 08:31

Also it’s been about 4 days now - he’s still not replied to my message saying how hurt I am that he wasn’t honest about it. I know someone said to stop texting but we have had people round what with Christmas and I don’t want to cause a scene while they are here

OP posts:
3luckystars · 26/12/2024 08:33

I think you were only ok with it, if you were controlling it.

You are obviously extremely hurt by them so he probably didn’t know what way to say it to you.
In this situation you are going to be hurt and upset, no mater what.

Get some counselling to strengthen yourself. Good luck x

Basketballhoop · 26/12/2024 08:34

He didn't lie to you, he just didn't tell you he was seeing them. He obviously did not feel he wanted it needed your advice or emotional support.

Original poster
Tibbytab · 26/12/2024 08:36

Oops 2 years not 3 years

typo

OP posts:
Fartly · 26/12/2024 08:37

3luckystars · 26/12/2024 08:33

I think you were only ok with it, if you were controlling it.

You are obviously extremely hurt by them so he probably didn’t know what way to say it to you.
In this situation you are going to be hurt and upset, no mater what.

Get some counselling to strengthen yourself. Good luck x

This.

Original poster
Tibbytab · 26/12/2024 09:15

It isn’t about controlling it

its about being open and transparent with each other

thank you for your advice but I don’t think reacting by saying, “fair enough” is controlling it tbh

OP posts:
katter · 26/12/2024 09:29

Tibbytab · 26/12/2024 08:28

Just to say, I have no problem at all with him seeing his parents. It was my suggestion 2 years ago after all.

My issue is that he chose not to tell me. I only found out that he was seeing them by accident, he must have known his sister would have been there to exchange gifts with her yet denied her being there when I asked him beforehand and I don’t see why he just couldn’t have been transparent and told me.

I cannot fathom why. People have suggested about my reaction - but my reaction would have been to say fair enough. If I felt anything different I wouldn’t have suggested it to him 3 years ago.

If it was reversed, I would have had a conversation with him prior to seeing my family - maybe to seek his advice, to weigh up pros and cons, to be honest, to get support myself since it would be emotional.

It really isn’t about him seeing his family. It’s just about being clear and transparent.

People are different though. While you would have talked things through before he wanted to process things for himself first.
Neither of these are wrong.
Him not telling you doesn't have anything to do with you but with the way he is processing his feelings.
While I don't think him lying about his sister is a good thing he might not have wanted to fan the flames after all you were already enraged and called him dishonest.
4 years is a long time and people can change a lot.
I do think you ought to have it out in person more texting would probably lead to more misunderstandings and this is a lengthy conversation.

YouveGotAFastCar · 26/12/2024 09:48

If it was reversed, I would have had a conversation with him prior to seeing my family - maybe to seek his advice, to weigh up pros and cons, to be honest, to get support myself since it would be emotional.

You might, but perhaps he didn’t want to make it into that kind of ordeal. Perhaps he wanted it to be small and easy. Perhaps he didn’t want opinions, or pros or cons, or emotional support. Maybe he just wanted to see them, as you’ve said they were getting old, snd that be that. Not necessarily restart the relationship, not autopsy it to the third degree, not have it as a defining conversation around Christmas…

You’d have to ask him why he didn’t tell you, but from what you’ve said above, I’d guess this is why. Your way of dealing with it may have made it so much of a big deal that he didn’t want, or couldn’t cope with. Not telling you kept it small and easy.

TheOccupier · 26/12/2024 09:56

Are there other things he's hidden from you? Do you generally trust him? If this is an isolated incident, it seems like a huge overreaction on your part. Ultimately it's up to him how he chooses to interact with his family, he's not required to notify you.

Pigeonqueen · 26/12/2024 10:13

What is the back story to all this? Why did he stop seeing his family?

My dh is completely no contact with his whole family, many years now. Abusive, horrible lot. Mine weren’t much better. It’s very hard to go no contact for anyone so there is usually a very complex difficult backstory. Despite the fact you hate your family the emotions are still there. Maybe your dh didn’t want to have in depth conversations about it all?

I don’t think it’s worth this level of angst over, but yes he should have told you.

cansu · 26/12/2024 10:15

Why didn't he tell you? Probably because he knew you would have an issue with it or would impose conditions. Why do you need to?

KrisAkabusi · 26/12/2024 11:30

If it was reversed, I would have had a conversation with him prior to seeing my family - maybe to seek his advice, to weigh up pros and cons, to be honest, to get support myself since it would be emotional.

This is how you would have reacted though, and it seems how you wanted him to react though. He didn't want to, and you're hurt that he didn't discuss it with you first. But his way isn't the wrong way, it's just different to yours.

Reacting to this by crying for hours isn't healthy. You need to consider that he didn't tell you because of how you react to things.

Newdaynewstarts · 26/12/2024 11:34

ThisCosyAquaHiker · 26/12/2024 01:46

OP, I looked up your posting history to see if there was any more background on the family fallout, and I saw your other recent thread re. your recent mental health struggles.

I think you need to seek professional help, ASAP, and probably not seek advice on AIBU (which isn't exactly the most gentle of places).

Take some positive steps to look after yourself.

Why ! Why do people do this, it’s a sneaky trick and shouldn’t be allowed.

FarmGirl78 · 26/12/2024 12:01

Basketballhoop · 26/12/2024 08:34

He didn't lie to you, he just didn't tell you he was seeing them. He obviously did not feel he wanted it needed your advice or emotional support.

Or her interfering. Or her controll.

Poor chap. He obviously wanted to test the waters with him family privately and on the quiet before he announced to OP they were back on speaking terms again. OP has kicked off, oblivious to his possible thoughts or feelings, and is only thinking of herself in this and not why he thought better to keep her out of it this early on. He kept this private likely because he knows she deals with things in a dramatic way, and it's all kicked off any way.