Dishonesty / lies / small print

[Tibbytab]

Essentially, my husband and I stopped talking to his family about 4 years ago.

About 2 years ago, I touched on the suggestion that he saw his mum and dad. I suggested somewhere neutral since they are aging and I wouldn’t want anyone to have regrets. He wasn’t in ‘that place’ so didn’t see them. I said fine - I wasn’t about to force the issue and respected his wishes.

However, a couple of days ago I discovered last minute (and through an accident) that he was seeing them before Christmas for an hour. I was fuming about him not being open and honest. There was no need for secrets and being sly. I don’t have any issue with him seeing his parents but I have a massive issue with him not being honest and transparent.

Then it turned out that his sister was there. I had asked him outright if she would be there since she was particularly nasty to me. He said no. Then it transpired that she turned up and they exchanged presents.

Am I being sensitive but I am so upset. I was even crying today up in our room. I had sent him a message saying how important values like honesty and trust are to me and that he seems to have chosen to be dishonest. I called him a liar. He said he hadn’t lied since technically he said, “they know better not to turn up”. I said that I shouldn’t have to check the small print of his words and actually he had been underhand phrasing it that way to deliberately give me the wrong impression

With respect, I don’t think this is fair or accurate but thank you for your input and opinion

it isn’t about me controlling anything - I put forward the suggestion that he saw his family originally. I didn’t do this to be controlling or bossy - just so that he saw his family before it was too late

He wasn’t ready for that - which was completely fine

If I had been told he wanted to see them / planned to see them this year, I would have said fair enough

Maybe it’s me, but I don’t see how I’m controlling

Being ‘helpful’ is the sunny side of control. I’m guilty of this myself.

I can totally be that way too, i think self awareness is the key! I've eventually learnt to be pretty good at keeping myself in check.

However in this scenario it's the drama that seems to now accompany it that the OP isn't seeing is an issue. It's such a mountain out of something that could have easily have been dealt with as a molehill.

Go back and read your first post. Your rage, you're fuming, you're crying in your bedroom. It is all about you, not your partner and how he wanted to handle a first meeting with family after many years. That is why it comes across as controlling. You want to be centred here. He wanted to quietly go and see them without your interference.

He may well have not known his sister was going to be there until he was there.

I think you need to pull back and know that he needed to see his family on his terms. He didn't want to discuss it, and he didn't need to discuss it with you.

Your reaction is far more what I'd expect if he'd met up with your estranged family in similar situation.

Look at it this way. His relationship with his family is not your business. Your part in this is to listen, support and comfort. if he says "what should I do?" then you can advise.
It only becomes your business if he wants/needs to involve you currently.

You've managed to make this whole situation about you so do wonder if there are genuine reasons for him 'lying' or 'lying by omission'.

This is a matter between him and his biological family. Clearly there's some big background as to why they've not spoken for 4 years. It's something he needs to navigate himself and if you're the type who creates drama where non is needed, which from your original OP, seems to be the case, then I can totally understand why he didn't tell you. He probably wanted to see how it went and if it didn't go well leave it without a load of questions and drama.

I am generally a totally honest person but have previously lied when in an abusive relationship when, despite doing nothing wrong, the truth would have promoted loads of drama that I couldn't deal with. Sometimes you just want to deal with things with a clear head and without external input which you know won't help the situation

Despitely being a very honest person myself

I don't see it as being sneaky nor a trick, and don't see why it shouldn't be allowed (we have usernames after all).

In this particular instance, and knowing how quickly an AIBU thread can turn into a pile-on, I was concerned about the OP and how she may react if she were flamed, so tried to sign post to others to be gentle.

I think the behaviour that is controlling here is the way you've acted since finding out he visited, OP, and the way you can't see that your actions are controlling and manipulative makes me think that you are difficult to work with except when it's on your terms. This would explain why he's not told you - it's extra drama he doesn't need.

Thank you all for your input

It has been very helpful and given food for thought. It has been interesting to see how innocent behaviour has been interpreted and helped me see it through another perspective

I have really looked at everyone’s replies from all angles and, having considered everyone’s points, I respectfully refute that I have been controlling. Sorry I just cannot see how that’s been the case.

perhaps I didn’t write things perfectly and should have re-read my own writing before I hit post and perhaps I should have been clear that my tears on Christmas Day were private and unknown to my husband (they still are). it wasn’t an effort to control or manipulate or do anything else except I was sad that I had to find out by accident. I respect any choice he makes about seeing his family even if it differs from my own opinion.

I was / am sad that he felt that he couldn’t have just spoken to me - like I said my reaction would have been fair enough. It is NOT an issue for him to see them on his terms. Maybe I am too open and communicate a lot but it doesn’t make sense to me not to tell me. Note not ‘ask me’ but ‘tell me’. Saying that, some posters have made a good point about people handling things differently which was fair enough

ive gone back and forth about thinking I’m over reacting, but being 100% honest with others is clearly deep rooted in me as a person. It’s evident I value transparency and communication yet some users on here say it’s his right not to tell me - which helped see it from another point of view.

can we let this post die now please? I asked for advice and I got it which I’m very grateful for - even if I disagree with some. Thank you for giving your time to voice your opinions. Merry Christmas