Annoyed that friend just told us to be punctual for dinner

[Anuta77]

I just read her message and I think I'm dreaming.

It's a couple with kids who is inviting us for dinner. Initially I wanted to invite them and other people and contacted her to ask about her schedule as she's a nurse with strange working schedule and suddenly she decided to host instead. Well, ok.

So I asked her what to bring and talked about a recipe I wanted to try that could compliment her turkey. And suddenly I'm seeing that she tells me to come at 15h and be punctual so we can spend more time together.

It's funny because they are not particularly punctual (not to generalize, but they are latin and it's not rare that they are at least 30 min late) and typically our gatherings were never so formal. I'm kind of turned off.

Yeah it’s irritating. Blunt, and not necessary.

In my culture (Europe ) 10-20 minutes late is considered polite when meeting at someone's home for more than an hour long visit; more polite than being exactly on time.
And some parties start time means "opening the door at", expecting people to just turn out at some moment within the first hour, as opposed to having a bunch of guest waiting around the corner ready to create a queue at the exact moment.

It's better to specify than assume.

So, my take on this op is that she KNOWS she can be bad with time. And she's taking on a lot hosting because that involves being good with time to get everything prepped and cooked and served altogether and hot.

She's stressed and she is trying very hard and she's really worried that something unforeseen will happen and she'll lose the run of herself. So I think she's said it to you but really she's projecting her own anxiety.

I used to be awful with time, really genuinely dreadful and it would cause me so much guilt and stress and when I did things like what she's doing hosting I'd have gone a little over board because in really really wanted it to be nice for people. I've got so much better now but that's my guess...

Either that or she's thinking she'll have to be the one to put her kids to sleep and you might need to leave early because of that because bedtimes can be really hectic.

Looks like you got triggered with something, but it has nothing to do with my post.

You need to consider cultural differences here OP. For someone from Latin America to tell their friend to be punctual it's a bit like they were telling that to you and (!) to themselves to start on time so that you can all spend more time together (since everyone knows that otherwise people tend to be late, and I'm talking 30-60mins late, not 5mins). I've had that many times so it's really nothing against you nor a dig at your supposed lack of punctuality.

However, I'm assuming here they're generally lovely people and you get on well, no real issues in the past.

Op

@Purplevelvetshoes has absolutely nailed it

Yea, they are lovely, that's why I was taken aback.
But what you're describing is what my (latin) DH does, I would think he talks about me, get hurt and it turns out he talks about himself too. But I thought it was his thing.

She or he hasn,t nailed anything. Just projected some issue they have here.

Eh? She's telling you what time to turn up.
Failing to find any offence at all in that, surely that's better than turning up when you feel like it /late! Can't be doing with people who are wishy washy and flakey when it comes to meeting up.

I wouldn’t assume bad faith, just that this is a real time start not a latin start time.

for most of us start time is a generic guide and not hard and fast rule. If the time matters we will say and usually give a fake start time as well. Otherwise come between the start and the finish all presence is appreciated

I think you’re being rather hard on her. She’s clearly very keen to see you and wants to make an effort to host you and you’re getting annoyed that she’s said to be punctual and now you’re feeling turned off. Why are you focussing on that aspect of the invitation rather than the strong warmth and friendship she obviously feels for you? And I agree with PP who are saying that this is probably not aimed at you and not meant as a slight but just to emphasise the constraints on her time.

I think you're reading too much into it.

Just arrive at 15h.

I see no benefit in worrying about how she wasn't particularly punctual before.

Such a non-issue. Often, people who are late will ask for this because they know how easy it is (for them) to be late and they think the risk applies to others too. It’s hard for them to see that others really don’t have the same time blindness. Sometimes it’s also said because they think you might assume 3pm means 3:30pm because you know your friend is usually late. lt’s not a slight to you.

Bloody hell, communicating with some people is a minefield.

It sounds like she just wants to spend time with you... Unless she is a horrible person, you are reading WAY too much into this and should practise assuming the best of people, especially friends.

I have a friend who is (well was, barely talk now) routinely late for everything. I'm not talking about a few minutes. I mean an hour or three. And it was beyond irritating at times. I wouldn't be upset at her comment. I'm sure you don't behave that way, but unfortunately some people do.

"hahaha that's rich coming from you who is always late! Good one."

I think if you are given a time to turn up you don't turn up 30mins later than that time in fact you turn up at the alotted time. I really dislike people always being late w hen you give a time. There is no excuse for it and I find it very rude to be treated so casual.
I see your upset but I would turn up on time and then ask her why if she is late to yours all the time, she asked you to be punctual.

You seem to be annoyed at your friend for a lot and looking for even more excuses to feel slighted.

You wanted to invite people and host, but she's gone ahead and done it herself.

Then you're wanting to try a recipe at her meal - I get that you're offering to bring something but the way you've worded it is ike you're still holding a grudge that you're not getting to host.

Then being offended that she says to be punctual so she can spend more time with you, it makes sense so be clear on a day that is busy.

So you both usually have an informal attitude to timing, so for this invite she is saying she would like a specific start time.

Accept gracefully, arrive by 3, have a lovely time.

It’s a request not a criticism

If it’s a turkey dinner situation, timings etc are probably important? We had 4 people turn up an hour late for Christmas lunch yesterday- it is a pain keeping everything warm whilst making sure the veg doesn’t go soggy etc etc.

You are being really oversensitive . She is just being clear that she wants punctuality not chilled open house timings which are fine for many people.

To be honest, if someone who is always late sent me a message to ask me to be punctual it would get my back up. It would feel like they're saying that their time is more important than mine.

I'd probably get over it quite quickly though.

If someone clarified please be punctualnwoth me, I'd assume it meant that was the exact time they wanted me tp attend rather than saying it was a ball park time.

I'm Latin nor is anyone I know but I always arrive 10-20 mins after an invited time because I want to give people a bit longer just in case they've been delayed or had a hiccup along the way.

But that's because I know that, if I invite someone round for 3, the likelihood is I'll still be finishing things off at 2.55 and I'm always slightly relieved when people are a few minutes late.

OP, o think you can file this under 'everyone else is not the same as me' and not think about it any further.

She's probably very tired. And just wants time with you.

It's so scheduled with kids.
Life's too short. Friends are important.