To think that there was a sort of peak Christmas in the 90s and that really nobody wants the huge event?

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I keep seeing threads about how one person in a household has tried really hard to make the day special, with the right food and drink, presents and games and company, only to find their efforts under-appreciated by the others in their family.
Here, I normally try and create that perfect day- despite talking loudly about how it’s unnecessary! But this year I have felt so tired all autumn, I haven’t had the heart to put in the usual level of effort. And it’s been lovely: we have had a chilled day with a long dog walk, a present swap, and then everyone doing their own thing and cooking bits and pieces- we ate late but it was a delicious combined effort! There’s been more than enough food, although I felt guilty when I did the shopping that I did more convenience stuff than usual, but have been glad of that today. In fact there are enough leftovers to eat for about three days!

Importantly for me, I haven’t felt resentful or overloaded with jobs and work. It’s been a nice level of pleasant pottering in the kitchen, for really good results on the plate!

So my question is to ask, AIBU to think that most of us don’t really want wall to wall perfect food, with special stuffing and bread sauce and three types of potato; that we don’t all need all the presents on our lists, and that a relaxed day with just nice, easy food and company is actually perfect? Less is more at Christmas?

Grew up in the fab 90s big family gatherings. Since covid we just don't do that anymore. Unfortunately it doesn't work for us as we don't live close by to family so would spend hours driving and it's not the same since my Nan died.

However I actually really love our chilled Xmas. We do loads in the run up to Xmas, have a lovely morning opening gifts with the kids (we don't buy for each other) and this year we went out to eat which was so nice and chilled. Really enjoyed the day doing what we want.

We have the big family get together on Boxing Day instead.

I think people were more (happily) social in the 90's. But there was also less pressure to put on the picture perfect christmas for social media.

I grew up in the 90's. We had a dodge tree with a bit of tinsel and some homemade bunting. Went to evening mass on xmas eve, then a bit roast on the day. A few presents were opened after lunch. Then we all watched a movie or went for a walk. Grandparents, usually some aunts/uncles and cousins. And that was it. Relaxed, informal, fun. How it should (and can) be. Ignore the external influences and make it what you want it to be.

This Christmas both my DH and I were sick so by necessity we had a chill day at home. Made a simple but delicious meal, played Mario Kart 8 together and had loads of laughs. It was heaven.

I loved trying to create the perfect Christmas. My in laws would stay for a week, the house was spotless and there was every Christmas treat you could ask for. It was exhausting as I was essentially running a hotel/cafe for the in-laws and the revolving door or people they wanted to catch up with.
But this year as I’m now working full time and only have public holidays off I told DH he had to either cancel his parents stay or host them himself, as I’m not doing any of it. Lunch is at my parents house they are welcome to come too. This parents turn up to a filthy house, as DH didn’t want to clean. They ended up leaving a few days early. I think that’s the end of our big Christmas.

Soviet Spy puts it well. I think Christmas was bigger in the 90's, but in a different way. More hosting, bigger get togethers, popping round to see people. More food, like watching Delia prepare cabbage and chutneys all throughout November etc. as pp said those tv programmes aren't really mainstream anymore.

Sadly as Spy said everyone is now knackered, just wants a break. When you think about it, this is so very sad.

Is there? It's not compulsory and also easy to ignore. Just because something is in an advert or the shops or on social media, it doesn't mean you have to do it.

Make your own Christmas traditions and have the things you want. If you don't have the inclination, time, energy or money for something then why do it because others do?

Baffles me how so many people seem to think they don't have any choice over the matter. What's going to happen if you don't buy presents in October, put your tree up and decorate the outside of your house in November, have matching pyjamas and Elf on the Shelf in December or cook enough to feed the 5000 on the day itself? Nothing. No-one else is going to notice or care and if they did, so what? Let them do them and you do you.

It really isn’t.

Of course any Christmas you can enjoy and celebrate and not do any of the work is going to feel magical and amazing. Especially if you happen to be a child.

We have tried simple Christmases and they can often feel like a huge anti climax and very disappointing.

Christmss itself has become over commercialised sunce the 1970s, and so the true meaning of it, the togetherness and good will has been lost in the onslaught of the big sell and hyped up social media.

The big Christmases can feel empty and wasteful

The small Christmas can feel disappointing and miserable.

Disagree. I’m an eighties child do probably had my peak Christmases in the early 90’s. My family Christmas is still almost an exact replica of my childhood.

Tree up a couple of weeks before Christmas. A few outdoor lights. No elves or visits to Santa. Run a stall a the village fete for the church. A few church services in the run up.

Christmas Eve - busy morning for dh on the farm. One child helps him, one helps me prep all the veg. Ham, coleslaw and nice bread for tea. Games and films once it’s dark.

Christmas Day - kids open their stocking. Few litttl bits plus a Lego set. Then farm jobs completed whilst I cook. In laws and the odd sibling arrive at 12, lunch at one. Bit more farm work by Dh and child at 4 pm. Family game around 5. Cheese and biscuits and Christmas cake around 6, everyone does around 7. Presents spread through the day.

Boxing Day. Dh and one child will work this morning, other child and I will clear up. I’ll force everyone out for a Boxing Day walk and then leftovers for tea.

we even have virtually the same menu as my mum made growing up although ive incorporated DH’s family trifle over my Mum’s pavlova.

It does cost a bit to host I will say but we have a fab time and my 11 year old declared it the best Christmas ever yesterday despite me worrying he hasn’t got loads of gifts now he’s a bit older. He’s enjoying a different kind of Christmas - he was out in charge of pouring the wine yesterday and loved it!

Why does a small Christmas feel small
and disappointing? Some nice food , rest, relaxation, being with loved ones or not,giving small thoughtful presents and doing things to make others happy. Why isn’t that enough and disappointing? Christmas has turned into a wasteful, expensive stress fest which it now appears we’re conditioned to feel we need to do to have a good time.

I know so many people that are over the big, expensive, wasteful Christmas’s. Look at all the bitter threads on MN What is the point of a Christmas like that- financially, environmentally and mentally?

Doesn’t a small Christmas give you so
much more?

Not in my house.

DH cooked with me as did my adult DS’s.

DS’s set the table, including with gorgeous greenery from the garden. They cleared afterwards.

Each DS and DH did their own Christmas shopping, choosing presents or asking for some ideas. All wrapped by them.

This has always been the expectation since a time when I was a single parent and each DS had key jobs to do. One would make the Yorkshire puddings and cranberry sauce, another would prepare ( as a five year old) the sausage meat balls and mix the stuffing. Another planned and set the table and arranged the Christmas play list.

Christmas is very much a joint affair here. We have an amazing time, working along together, Christmas music on, before all getting dressed for dinner.

For me, it's "big" Christmases that are anti-climactic. My extended family used to do big Christmases and I found the anticipation and build-up was huge but the day inevitably fell flat.

Me and DH had more family around us when we were kids which definitely contributes to it feeling smaller now. My DH really struggled to get his head round a nuclear family only Christmas Day.

I don't know if long distance travel is worse now but me and my parents just can't face it over the Christmas period, traffic jams, rail disruptions. We make lots of effort to visit at other times of the year instead but have accepted we'll rarely be together at actual Christmas.

I guess, like with many other things, that can happen if it's not what you want/have little choice over it.

Surely everyone's peak Christmas is when they themselves were children, with all the magic aimed at them and none of the responsibility and expense

Nope. No magic, just stressed parents, me being an afterthought and a hindrance, my birthday forgotten or rushed because it was in the way of all the prep, lots of loud , drunk relatives, being lost in the crowd, stupid arguments, a billion rules and so on.

Hence never doing "big" Christmas as an adult.

Enjoy the simple parts in both big and small Christmases. Enjoy the randomness of gifts and food. Enjoy convenience, not everything needs to be a slog.

Expect children and dogs to get tired. Expect sibling rivalry. Expect clashes of expectation among in laws etc. Expect a level of family messiness and imperfect behaviour.

Just take it as it comes, togetherness. Keep the older and younger generation happy, where possible.

Your subject heading suggests that the peak of wanting and providing the perfect Xmas was in the 90's? There was no elf on the shelf in the 90s, no lavish taking the kids to lapland and expensive wonderland events, no xmas eve boxes. I actually think the last few years have peaked for the perfect Xmas. Things were a lot simpler in the 80s and 90s. So much pressure these days.

I wish I knew! I tried this recipe. They were edible, and had the potential to become OK with a bit more practice. But for Christmas dinner, DS bought some ready made ones from one of the small shops in the Leeds Market area.

Well no, to be fair - you can relax and spend time with your immediate family 365 days a year. If something is preventing you doing that (prison? Military service?) then yes, it would feel special.

But for most people Christmas is a time to gather with wider family and friends. People travel and make a special effort, so it tends to be the time you see everyone, eat different foods, do different things. It is qualitatively different and more memorable for being so.

A small Christmas can certainly be happy and peaceful as we get older, but I don't think it gives more, by any stretch.

My Christmases get bigger with every passing year and I love it.
Didn't have any relatives except grandparents when I was a child so Christmases were very small. Now there's loads of (adult) kids and cousins and partners.
The key to not being exhausted is preparation and delegation.
I do the main meal and some bits and pieces for the evening meal. The rest is delegated. Pretty much everything is prepared in advance so it only needs to be cooked on the day with just the smallest amount of prep. And I have a big kitchen diner rather than a separate dining room so everyone is congregating where I am and chipping in with help.
Plenty of time for present opening and playing games.
And we don't bother tidying much till today.

But for most people Christmas is a time to gather with wider family and friends. People travel and make a special effort, so it tends to be the time you see everyone, eat different foods, do different things. It is qualitatively different and more memorable for being so.

Except, judging by all the threads on here moaning and bitching - it seems (for many) to be memorable for all the wrong reasons - too much alcohol, arguments, too many people crammed into a small space and everyone disagreeing on what food to have at what time, lol.

I do think all the things you list (seeing everyone, eating different food and doing different things) leads to a massive build up of expectations that can often fall totally flat on the day. Ultimately, if all those things were so much fun, we'd do them all the time, surely?

Like - a Christmas Day for my grandparents (pre-Boomer) went something like: get up late morning, put turkey on, couple of presents, menfolk nip to pub for an hour when it was open, Christmas lunch (two courses: dry turkey (frozen from the local butcher), sprouts/potatoes/stuffing and gravy, followed by Christmas pudding and cream, Queen’s speech, then a long rest of the day in front of Morecambe & Wise and Tommy Cooper drinking whisky, eating leftovers and cheap cheese on Jacob’s cream crackers and smoking like chimneys until all rolling off to bed still drunk.

Pre-boomer Christmas for my parents: Up early morning for stocking opening and breakfast of chocolate and sugar mice. Turkey (fresh from local butcher) on. DF sent to fetch car-less relatives. Morning coffee and biscuits when they arrived. Dinner - turkey - tender and moist - with sprouts, carrots peas, roat potatoes, mashed potatoes, gravy, bread sauce, red currant jelly, followed by pudding with custard or brandy, Christmas crackers, afternoon present opening, party games, tead with ham sandwiches, sausage rolls, Christmas cake, more Christmas crackers, Tunis cake, mince pies, various fancy cakes, followed by more party games, or, when children were old enough, snooker. 11pm DF returned relatives home.

And Christmases in my family have remained much the same since, except guests now come under their own steam.

Also, maybe this was just my family and people we knew but the food was exactly the same every year, no need to experiment with exotic recipes or food trends. Yep, agree with this.

It feels to me that there's a lot of pressure nowadays to spend money - Christmas Eve boxes, ridiculously elaborate Advent calendars, Christmas jumpers, Christmas pjs, etc, etc. We got our Christmas build up through school (nativity play rehearsals and performance, school carol concert etc - probably now all squeezed out by National Curriculum) and the preparation - making fancy cakes, having a wish when you stirred the puddings, decorating the house, preparing a quiz for Christmas Day and so on.

We couldn't afford to. And if you think of the origins of Christmas, gathering and feasting in the dark season, it never would have been an option to live like that all year. It was a rare and special tribal celebration to mark the death of one year and beginning of another. Quiet and low key? You can do that all year.

I do agree that Christmas starts too early and is therefore too drawn out, but that is not remedied by staying quietly at home and not celebrating the day itself with family and friends.