To find being neurotypical in a family of neurodivergents really lonely?

[Lonelll]

I love my family, and I don't want to cause any offence with this so please don't take it that way. There are only adults in my family, and my Dad and both of my siblings are autistic. They hate socialising and being around others, which I understand and respect. But on days like today it always hits me hard. Like this morning, everyone just took their presents back to their rooms to open on their own as they all hate opening presents in front of people, so I sat in the living room on my own opening my presents. Similarly at lunch time, they all wanted to eat alone and so took their Christmas dinners back to their rooms/the office to eat alone so it was just me and my Mum. My (very small) extended family are also like this - not very social with no invites to visit them over Christmas.

I know that hopefully I'll eventually have my own partner and family someday, but right now being single it feels really lonely. A house full of people yet still really lonely. I rely so much on my Mum as often it feels like she's the one family I have on days like today.

I'm worried the title is going to come across poorly, but I didn't know how else to summarise what I mean. I apologise if anyone finds it offensive, it wasn't intended as such.

I understand what you mean, it’s hard being the odd one out. I hope you can get out and do things with friends tomorrow. Can you arrange to go for a walk or get out somehow?

Bless you op. That's not offensive. My husband and one of my children are autistic but they don't need to be away from me and their siblings like that. If find that so hard. That feels incredibly hard and you just have had it for years.. I hope you meet someone that can bring some joy to you.

In my family I try to meet their needs but also I work hard on them understanding the rest of us have needs too. But I appreciate we are all different.

I'm ND but don't find your post or title offensive Op. Ironically, my childhood was incredibly lonely as my family were neurotypical and they didn't understand me or want anything to do with me because I was weird. As an adult I have friends and my.own family who are like me or just appreciate me for who I am. Your time will come, I'm sorry today was painful for you. Have you been kind to yourself at least?

Can you talk to them and tell them how you feel? I’m neurodivergent and find it hard but I’m aware i don’t want dh to be sat in the front room by himself on Xmas day so I’m making an effort. I only had to go out for a bit when the tv was too loud and went back after 20 mins. I would have preferred to spend the day upstairs!

though to be honest I think dh is ND and probably wouldn’t care 🤣

bet your mum is glad she has you! Like you say for you hopefully it’s temporary and one day you’ll have your own family.

YANBU it was like this on my family growing up too, but mum was also ND. sending you a hug op. It is hard feeling so alone at Christmas.

I have my own family now who are sociable and we enjoy spending time together, but now I find I mourn the wider family gatherings for my children. I feel so sorry I couldn’t give them that experience.

My family are mostly ND. I’m sure many myself included would like to behave like that, but we don’t. It must be hard for you.

Oh, OP! That sounds so lonely, I am so sorry. You need to treat yourself extra well today and keep working toward building a family with the kind of interactions you would like in the future. Sending you a Christmas hug.

Is it possible for the autistic members of your family to eat in front of others, open presents etc. Do you think a compromise could be reached?

It is important to accommodate the needs of different family members but at the moment it seems like yours are being completely ignored.

Totally understand where you're coming from. I remember a friend describing life with severely neurodiverse child as having to grieve a little bit for the life she thought she would have, but won't (and that's not negative, just meaning that the life she thought would just be different).

Maybe, if you know this is going to be the case, next year prep for some lovely 'me' time and have a nice bath, relax, watch a film you like. Or connect more with any single/single parent friends and offer to pop over. Anything so you feel appreciated and happy on Xmas day. While I understand you have to respect neurodiverse needs on Xmas (a very heighten day), you don't have to be the one waiting for your family to feel ready to engage. Sorry you're feeling a bit sad.

I'm neurotypical, my sibling is diagnosed ND and as I have got older, I've realised for sure that my parents are too. In fact, it was during therapy that the counsellor asked me if my mother had autism? I hadn't yet told her about my sibling, but as soon as she said it, everything clicked into place for me. My mum always told me she thought her father had autism and it's all making sense. My dad was always seen as 'eccentric' and his brain definitely doesn't function like most people's (which is a good thing; he's a genius).

But yes, very lonely. Certainly my mum and sibling both see the world through the same really strange lens , and they often think I'm weird for doing very mundane things or having very normal goals and dreams. For a very long time, I thought there was something wrong with me but over time, I've seen the situation through new eyes and realise that I was just the odd one out or had learned behaviour.

For example, I used to freak out about change of plans or routines but realised that actually, it was a learned reaction to my mother struggling if plans were changed last minute. My husband is super chill and it didn't take long for me to not care about changes and I'm actually quite a spontaneous, laid back person. Growing up I saw myself as a very rigid person but that actually isn't the real me. I was trying to keep other people happy. My husband is the most TN person ever and most of the traits that I had that made me think I was ND all just disappeared.

I think sometimes we allow loved ones who are ND almost too much leeway to opt out of life

I think your family could have stayed around to have dinner together? On Christmas? Why do their preferences count for more than yours?

I have to sometimes catch myself as I do the same. Growing up with a dad who could/would not socialise -and a ND son and DH I sometimes feel that all my life I am putting other people's needs and comfort before my own...

If you feel sad make sure you communicate that and tell them it would be nice if they made an effort some times

My son is the same and often I am fine with him eating alone but sometimes I say actually I really would love to spend a bit of time with you in the kitchen. It's a nice way of putting it I think

It should not just be you who adapts

I feel this. I’m a NT single mum and my young adult DCs are both ND. It’s a juggle to accommodate them both and I am at the back of the queue. I’ve had a lonely Christmas too but I’m trying to catch glimmers where I can.

I'm autistic myself and honestly their behaviour sounds incredibly rude to me. Being neurodiverse isn't a reason to just do what's easiest for you without considering the needs of other people.

I'm sorry you had a shit day - they should (imo) be called out on their behaviour.

That sounds so depressing for you . Does your dad never eat with your mum?! Could he really not have today? I’m not sure practically how I’d eat a Xmas dinner in a bedroom. There is making adjustments but that seems kind of rude. I think next year I’d suggest you and your mum book a table out somewhere to get a nice atmosphere and leave them to it.

Neurotypicals are rare beasts nowadays .

we are a house of ND.. mix of asd/adhd. I make space for everyone's needs throughout the day, but i still ask both teenagers to join us for present opening, and christmas dinner.. i just let them scoot off soon as soon as they're done.

Same as i will find time during the day to switch off, put my loops in and just chill for a bit so i can keep going.. same as because i'm physically disabled, i need to take rest breaks to make it through.. we all need accommodations.. but i also feel that the kids should be taught about expectations and considering other peoples feelings on days like today.

There is a middle ground, and its a shame the adults in your house can't make that effort for YOUR needs as well as other peoples.

What? No they're not. By definition they're the majority.

@Lonelll FIND your tribe.
They will exist-you deserve a happier Christmas, socialising with like minded people.

Good luck. 👍

This! I’m AuDHD and compromise is the norm here - I am clear about my needs but think about others’ too. (My “moment” today was leaving the dinner table as FIL scraped his spoon again a porous ceramic bowl for the nth time.)

So - what can you do together? A walk, a film, a puzzle, cooking, a carol service, opening some presents, a smaller meal?

Things like presents - if the issue is around masking of feigning gratitude, can presents be done differently, perhaps without surprise?

One NT in households of ND people, especially when both parents? Highly unlikely. Differently autistic maybe. Some autistic people are very social.

ND is not a reason to be rude. They're all adults who still need to compromise. Taking presents off to the room to open is rude. My ND family all sat around the tree and I wouldn't accept one of them going off to their room to do it. They can go to their room after gifts are opened.

I can imagine this is lonely for you OP and your post is not offensive at all. Is there any possibility of talking to your Mum and working out a better way that works for everyone?

Do you have anyone else that you can spend future Christmases with? Or should you consider going on holiday? It sounds as though your family members wouldn't be offended or miss out by you not being there.

That does sound lonely and I feel for your Mum too, because I’m guessing that she’d did most of the preparation and I’m sure that she’d have liked to at least have her Christmas dinner with her DH and all her children. As others have said, perhaps you and your Mum can come up with some activities that you’d both enjoy if everyone else wants to stay in their rooms.

Tbh, if you and your Mum do all the preparation, is it worth it in future? Especially preparing a Christmas dinner that everyone takes to their rooms. Perhaps something simple or a takeaway would be more relaxing for you both.

My OH is almost certainly ND, both ADHD and autism, he wont explore a diagnosies but I work with a service user group with high levels of ASD so Im pretty certain, its very lonely. My sibling has aspergers and Its very likely my mum is ND, very little connection from either of them, I know my dad feels lonely and I have to bear the brunt of that. Its awful.

I have two siblings and we all celebrate Christmas very differently (one of us not at all, one is very religious and it’s primarily a holy day and one has dc so it’s centred around them) but we haven’t lived together for years. My parents do their own thing as well.
Are you all young adults? Do you live together with your parents? It may help to actually tell them how you feel but at the same time, you have to be realistic about your expectations from adult siblings because they’re entitled to do what they want to do. Christmas is important to you, that’s understandable. But I’m afraid I think partly this is just what often happens in grown up families.