To find being neurotypical in a family of neurodivergents really lonely?

[Lonelll]

I love my family, and I don't want to cause any offence with this so please don't take it that way. There are only adults in my family, and my Dad and both of my siblings are autistic. They hate socialising and being around others, which I understand and respect. But on days like today it always hits me hard. Like this morning, everyone just took their presents back to their rooms to open on their own as they all hate opening presents in front of people, so I sat in the living room on my own opening my presents. Similarly at lunch time, they all wanted to eat alone and so took their Christmas dinners back to their rooms/the office to eat alone so it was just me and my Mum. My (very small) extended family are also like this - not very social with no invites to visit them over Christmas.

I know that hopefully I'll eventually have my own partner and family someday, but right now being single it feels really lonely. A house full of people yet still really lonely. I rely so much on my Mum as often it feels like she's the one family I have on days like today.

Thank you all. I have mentioned it to my siblings but they can't understand what the big deal is. It's other things too, like when we meet extended family I'm the only one who goes. My siblings have gone without seeing their grandparents for months and months now. I have spoken to my parents too but they're not prepared to say anything. My Dad has always been like this - completely shut out from family life. My siblings would join in and it's only in the last few years once they became adults that they have slowly started to shut themselves out too.

If they don’t find it such a big deal can they not just sit with you because you asked them? Do they help with the running of the household and have jobs?

How come your parents wont speak up about them not seeing their grandparents? Can they invite them over or arrange a day out?

I'm not an expert
But that doesn't sound necessarily autistic.
It seems like a habit they have.

I really feel for you.

We do present opening separately with our adult sons. DS2 is an early riser and enjoys unwrapping so we do that with him early on and unwrap our own with him (before he can!)

DS1 is less comfortable and hates unwrapping, surprises and fuss in general so when he gets up he gets his, not wrapped, all in a gift bag, in a different room that he is comfortable in.

Edit: just realised you're talking about siblings rather than children.

@Lonelll Following on from @fashionqueen0123’s questions, are your siblings generally independent, get out and about abit, or do they spend most of their time at home with your parents taking care of everything?

This is one of those you can’t control what they do, only what you do. They aren’t going to compromise because they can’t or don’t want to see this issue from your perspective. I think you need to talk to your mum about making different plans for next year. Let your siblings can open their gifts in their rooms, but don’t let them dictate your day. Ask you mum if she would like to go out for lunch with you. The rest of the family can make their own food, or your mum could leave something for them to heat up. If your mum doesn’t want to go out then you should make your own plans with friends.
Having family with disabilities will often mean your needs and wants are ignored. But you are a person too, and sometimes you have to just put your needs first.

I'm ND and your post isn't offensive in the slightest.

That sounds really difficult. I don't really have any advice to share but your feelings are completely valid ❤️

You’re just as important as any other person. You could ask them to help you get your needs met- they’ve certainly already got their own needs met. Also, you’re allowed to be sad and to be negative. Sometimes life is sad and events are negative. This sounds cruelly lonely

I'm Autistic in a family of NDs.
Totally agree with Guest100 here.

We are ND and open our presents together and eat together...your family sounds like they don't like eachother/ dysfunctional.

OP I think your family are being pretty selfish to be honest. Being ND means you often 'don't get the point of X' but you can be ND and still do X because someone else likes it, and you want to make them happy, even if it seems odd to you. Obviously the things in question have to be things you can cope with, and some things will be off limits (eg if it's complete sensory overload for example). Eg a lot of autistic people don't like opening presents in front of people as surprise can be difficult and not being able to filter their response if it's something they don't like. But I struggle to see why they couldn't sit with you while you open your presents.

It sounds like your family aren't interested in compromising at all. I hope you can find a happier way to do Christmas in future.

(fwiw I'm autistic, and I do understand that everyone's experience of autism is different. I also think it's important to remember though that you can be a non disabled person and be nice or be an asshole, and the same goes for people with disabilities!)

We are a very ND family and as much as we tend to spend time at home in separate rooms (sometimes it bothers me, other times it doesn’t!) I would hate it if they all disappeared to open presents and eat Christmas dinner alone.

I do try to uphold some neurotypical norms, and I think that would have to be one of them. You can all open presents together without it having to be awkward, or expecting the response to be effusive!

I’m from a mixed family - neurotypical, not (me and one parent) and another parent with a personality based on trauma. I often think how my sibling, who is neurotypical, must feel lonely because her family either take themselves off to their room or talk incessantly on subjects that may or may not have relevance to him or the situation (me haha). But I’m also lonely because to me he is not interested in talking as much as I am and also likes to retire early compared to me. And also because the others are in their own little worlds. I think that some people are so lucky to have family who just get along and have similar patterns. But many many people are just lonely. And I don’t know how to help change this but you’re not alone…if that helps lol

Do they always eat meals separately? Have you told them how you feel?
Would they play a board game with you or watch a film?

I think they were being sarcastic

I'm not sure they were, given their previous comments about autistic people.

I'm ND and nobody in my family was neurotypical when I was a kid (we had no idea though!). But now DH and one of my kids is neurotypical and I do feel for them and really the whole house shouldn't change shape to suit me and my ND child, adjustments can be made but they deserve it not to change things put of the norm for them too much. I don't no the answer but I do feel for you not getting your needs met. Would your Mum be upset if you spent special occasions with friends sometimes?

Why didn’t your mum stay with you to open presents?

I found this quite an interesting post, because this family is not "opting out of life" - they're a primarily autistic family behaving in a way they find most accessible. You wouldn't expect a Deaf family with one hearing family member to stop using sign language just because it's Christmas, would you?

The accommodation they make for their NT family member is that they don't expect her to behave autistically - they don't expect her to take her presents to her own room, or eat in her own room. That's pretty much the equivalent of the "too much leeway" that is offered when there is a single ND family member - that family member can open presents in their preferred way or eat in their preferred way. If the primarily autistic family behaved in the way that a primarily NT family typically do, without such leeway, they would have expected OP to "make the effort" to open presents in her room and to eat alone like they do.

Having said that, it is absolutely miserable for OP who does not find this accessible in the least. A properly inclusive approach would be for them to agree some middle ground - could they at least watch her open her own presents for example? Could they agree to open a single gift each downstairs together? Could they eat separately but then have pudding together while watching a film?

It doesn't sound as if they are interested in compromise though. OP maybe next year take your mum off for Christmas lunch somewhere noisy and sparkly surrounded by NTs!

I think there is a difference between not being able to do something and not wanting to. My children are neurodiverse and have quite severe difficulties. They can't do things I would like so I adapt to them. My ex was also autistic but v high functioning. He could do sone things he disliked and indeed did so of his own volition for many tears until it was no longer in his interests to do so then he stopped and started doing whatever he wanted. In short I think your family are potentially just doing whatever they prefer and the neurodiverse part just gives them a justification for being utterly selfish.

OP your post title really struck a chord with me, I have been thinking about posting something similar. I think you need family rules about certain things, there is ND and there is bad manners and it can be hard to distinguish between the two. I get why opening presents could be an issue but taking Christmas dinner and eating it alone in another room is absolutely not ok. I think many ND people become very spoiled because of misjudgements of what is acceptable behaviour.

My family aren't anti social like this but there are other issues. It's a combo of high functioning autism and ADHD and there is a lot of black and white thinking, arguments and a bit of disorganisation and choas. Interrupting each other and arguing about who interrupted who is a daily occurance. Its often the combinations that make life hard, someone who needs order and routine is living with someone who is spontaneous and high energy. I am often pulled in every direction trying to appease everyone and failing at every direction. It feels like I am not allowed have a personality of my own as I have to be the balance of everyone else's. I get so exhausted sometimes I want to run away.

I’m ND and I don’t find it offensive. Also just learned why I hate opening presents infront of people, didn’t realise that was ND but makes sense now.

As a ND person having spent Xmas with NT people I did the same to you but in reverse and ended up so exhausted I could barely move. I think finding a middle ground is important.

Look up 'Cassandra syndrome' I wonder if there is something similar for family members

Isn’t Cassandra syndrome when someone is delusional and believes that they alone can foresee the end of the world, but that they’re cursed so nobody will believe their prophecy until it’s too late?

Oh, I’ve just seen it has a new meaning to do with nd/nt relationships. Why did they give it the same name as something that already existed instead of coming up with a new one 🤔