To be thinking about the disappointment of not having a third baby?

[KittyPup]

We’re sat here on Christmas morning and both dc are excitedly playing with presents. Dh and I have had a tough year as we’re on opposite pages when it comes to having a third. As always though, the person who doesn’t want one overrides the one who does. I feel resentful but am trying to come to terms with it.

This morning, however, I just have an overwhelming feeling of sadness watching my two playing, instead of happiness. I feel the tears rising constantly, knowing that I won’t have a third and keep having to swallow them and blink them away. Dh is asking if I’m okay and I keep saying yes as I don’t want to ruin the day or upset him either. I am grateful for what I have but watching both dc, in my gut I just feel like we’re missing one person. I’m worried I’ll never shake this feeling and eventually it will tear Dh and I apart. I love him and want our marriage to work. Any advice on how to get through the day with a smile on my face would be appreciated.

Kindly, I know many women who would be delighted with 1.

You are going to ruin the day if you don’t get in the present and enjoy today. It’s not fair on everyone else. Today is not the day to pick over feeling sad about it. You’ve two kids who have been looking forward to this day for months. And if I was your DH I’d be fucked of that your moping about not telling him what’s up with you on a day youve most likely spent hundreds of pounds on to enjoy yourself.

Go upstairs have a cry, wash your face and go back down.

And enjoy what you have today

Try to imagine you dont have one. And never will do.

Feel better?

Can you not just enjoy your healthy happy kids on Christmas Day? Yes I know we all have our own issues and we are allowed to feel sad about what we want but in this case you really have no cause to

I think you need to get in a mindset of being thankful for your family and enjoy today.

What is it that you are missing that you think 3rd child will fix?

I can wanting another child, but it sounds like there is more to it if you are unable to enjoy and be present for the kids you have.

Count how many more Christmases you’ll have where your children really embrace the magic and joy and decide if it’s worth wasting one of them mourning the loss of something hypothetical.

Imagine how you’d feel if instead of embracing the many blessings he has your husband was creating a bad atmosphere because he resented you.

Desire is the root of all suffering.

Your feelings are your feelings, but you already have what many are unable to have. Have gratitude for your 2 children and enjoy the day.

I don't want to make you feel worse as you can't help those feelings but I had 2 separate friends on the phone to me last night and both upset as they don't have kids, one lost a child at 34 weeks aged 42 so she knows she will never have a child, the other recently separated aged 44, no kids and facing a terrible christmas, people would give their right arm to be you, so enjoy the 2 lovely children you have and put it aside for christmas❤️

I 100% agree with the responses. I do feel grateful for the dc I have. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I lost my dad earlier in the year and it’s our first Christmas without him. I’m sure Dh thinks it’s this and not the other thing. I think it is a combination of both. It’s been a difficult year.

You're not missing anything, your family is complete. Make sure they have a brilliant day and you will too. You have more than most.

Enjoy the children you have not some idealistic picture of life with 3.
This is actually really sad maybe get some counselling

Here with my one and enjoying her. Sorry, I can’t relate to feeling sad watching two happy children play. Ultimately you just have to suck it up, because the alternative is you blow up your family for a hypothetical future child who doesn’t exist. Don’t spoil the day for yourself for the sake of a concept.

Sorry you’ve lost your dad though, I can relate to that bit.

I understand OP, I always wanted 3 but we stopped at 2. It took a while to come to terms with it, but I know it was the right decision for us.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn’t want to risk my marriage and happy family unit over trying for another. You’ve got two wonderful healthy happy kids. Suck up the feelings for today and live in the moment. enjoy every moment of playing, toys, Lego, games, etc.

Do not let your sadness affect today. Talk through some more with your DH tomorrow. Even if the discussion is “I know it’s right to stop now, but I’m struggling to get over it, please can you help me” any DH worth his salt will try and comfort and talk you through this.

You can't sensibly tear apart a loving family because of an imaginary child. Be grateful for the two you have and please never let them feel inadequate.

You’re absolutely allowed to be sad at the loss of your Dad. That is tough, and I’ll bet feeding into the yearning for another child.

I feel for your friend whose child was stillborn. My first was still born at 31 weeks when I was 38, I was convinced that was my only shot at being a mother. I have since had 2 beautiful children and every day I thank the universe that I was blessed with them, I appreciate every second and never forget how lucky I am

Maybe consider some counselling in new year and look at your life generally - maybe a new job, volunteering, new hobbies would help. It’s sad you don’t feel your existing 2 children are enough, they will pick up on your mood.

Why can't you enjoy the children you do have, rather than moon over a hypothetical third? Just live in the moment, OP - that is all anyone can do.

Oh you have had an awful year. I think the grief of losing your father is heavily tied into wanting a third.

You do love and appreciate your two children. It’s ok to feel sad, it’s ok to have any feeling.

big hugs. Christmas can bring up all sorts of feelings

Not negating any feelings you have, this could be your last Christmas, and you're moping about over an non existent child when you have 2 happy healthy right there in front of you. Anything could happen over the next 12 months, you know this with the death of dad, stop arsing about, you can never guarantee a future (you can ruin it), you have to live today.

There is nothing wrong with feeling like your family isn't complete. It's a strong biological urge and it doesn't matter how many healthy children you have it still causes pain if you want more. But today isn't the day to do this. Push it aside and talk to your husband another time.

It's fine to feel sad. People are being very glib about your genuine feelings.

I had a third after two terrible miscarriages. I desperately wanted my third, despite having two healthy children. I don't think that makes me ridiculous or indifferent to the suffering of women with no children.

I don't think feelings go away because you ignore them.

OP can feel love and gratitude for her two children AND sad about not having a third.

Losing your Dad must have rocked your world.

Don't pressure yourself to enjoy this Christmas. Maybe just feel your feelings and move through it.

Can you just… accept that someone is missing? I don’t know. I definitely know the feeling. Sorry to say that once our 3rd was here I finally felt the relief that everyone was here. BUT if DH hadn’t wanted a third, i would have had to just accept that feeling, and focus on the two I had. It’s a sacrifice/compromise in the story of your marriage. Key element would be DH appreciating/acknowledging that you’ve made that choice to accept your disappointment.

Just my take. Three is bananas and life would be so much calmer with 2!

Kindly, get over it.

Try being infertile.

I agree. I wonder if the fantasy of having a third has been what you've thought about it in the middle of difficult times. But right now, it sounds like the person your family is missing from the Christmas celebrations is you.