To have called my brother out

[itisafuckinggoat]

My brother rarely bothers with me, and me him after years of trying and getting little back except when he’s been unwell a couple of times. We both have 2 girls, each a year apart, the oldest being 21. We’ve always just sent money back and forth, but my girls liked it as we aren’t a big family and it was one of the few gifts that weren’t from me/DH.

13 Deci duly sent off the money for his girls. No acknowledgment or anything, from any of them. Last night I was speaking to my mum and mentioned it (he has form for not thanking or his kids either) and said something like ‘I give up’. She said oh yes he mentioned you had sent the money and he wishes you hadn’t.

Why not raise it with me? I was pissed off so texted him and said sorry I didn’t realise you wanted to stop this, I wish we had discussed it before and saved any misunderstandings. He responded he had been too busy to text and he thought as our girls are grown up and have jobs and buy themselves whatever they want it’s a waste of time. I said yes fair enough, but maybe let me know? Apart from the fact that my kids are the younger ones and are not in full time work!

it isn’t the money it’s just the rudeness of not communicating, presumably he was happy to accept the gifts for his kids but was just gonna let it slide though.

i don’t live near him or my parents, i’m treated like the black sheep for moving away from where they live to pursue a career. AIBU to feel pissed off about this?

Anyone? Before I slide down the page into oblivion? 😭😭

Spend the money you'd have spent on his children on your own kids?

Say fair enough, could you transfer it back, thank you very much.
Don't bother in future. I get on okayish with my siblings but definitely the black sheep and it’s not a pleasant feelings.

It sounds like you've already sent money to his kids this year OP, has he returned the favour, or just let his kids do very nicely while yours go without? If the latter, then he's a complete shit and I wouldn't have anything further to do with him, even if he's sick.

21, 20, 19, 18. And it’s fine if we stop. Operative word ‘we’ and a quick ‘hey sis, shall we knock the kids’ money on the head now?’ Not accept my gift, not even acknowledge it but moan to my mum about my sending it!

Did you send the money to your bro rather than his kids? If so then ask him to transfer it back. It's extremely rude of him to keep the money if he isn't going to reciprocate.

We both have 2 girls, each a year apart, the oldest being 21

He has now sent an Amazon evoucher, but I honestly couldn’t care less about the money. It’s the rudeness that gets me, and is why I’m annoyed. He said ‘I don’t want to fall out before Christmas’ so obviously he gets to do as he wants and I have to accept it.

i know my mum is behind it. I got promoted recently and she’s seething. I ordered them a Christmas lunch in a box and she’s just acted like I sent her fish eyes to cook.

My ‘poor mum’ has excused his lack of effort, thank you for gifts or anything resembling trying to maintain a relationship since forever. My ‘poor mum’ revels in isolating me as punishment for moving away.

Honestly, don't bother! Fuck 'em. They don't appreciate your efforts so of you don't want to go full scorched earth then just do the minimum and send a generic voucher to whoever you think will be exchanging presents with you and save yourself the hassle.

Of course your brother is being rude. Sounds like he is similar to your mum. Why do you keep putting up with her behaviour? I understand as a child you wouldn't t have had any other option but you are an adult now. You live away from them, have a job and hopefully a good life. Why are you continuously reaching out to people that are not concerned about you? Why be a glutton for punishment?

Ooh I missed alerts reply, anyone to paraphrase it?

another vote for Fuck 'em.
It sounds like your mother's as bad / worse. Don't bother contacting either of them for 6 months and then see how you feel about going LC / NC. Send her fish eyes next year. or perhaps...
https://www.darwinbiological.co.uk/products/preserved-sheep-eyes?

I assume you have been buying for his kids from birth so 21 years? Therefore he has stopped short?

I really hate this, I bought my childhood best friends children (7 & 3) a birthday and Christmas present each year. I finally have my daughter and after mine turned 1 she messaged to say can we stop presents. I mean surely the polite thing to do is to stop giving mine theirs at 7! She knows I have no family so my child doesn’t get any presents from anywhere else (whereas her family is huge). I’ve just decided to buy my child present pretending they are from others so they feel loved!

Your mum is seething because you got a promotion?
So you mean she thinks you shouldn't mind to send money without it being reciprocated?

I don’t think you’re in the wrong but I’d just chalk it up to “one more thing” and sigh and move on.

Given what you say about your family though, is there a reason you are not LC/NC with them ? Doesn’t seem like you’d be losing much.

Your nieces are old enough now to have a relationship with you independently of their father. I'd send them a present if you want to, but directly.
I don't think you can do right for doing wrong here, where your mother is concerned. I'd not engage if she's trying to get involved in things that your brother should be speaking with you about. Tell your brother in no uncertain terms that he's old enough and ugly enough to speak to you himself and to leave your mother out of it in future.

So you have added insult to injury by not only moving away but daring to be successful?

Sounds like cutting them off would do you a world of good.

Suspect that brother was supposed to be the successful one and you were supposed to be the "never as good as him" kid? Somehow I doubt that this started when you moved away, if you think back its probably been her narrative your whole life.

Dontcha just love toxic parenting? Makes for such a fun Xmas........(ask me how i know)

Completely the narrative…only in her mind, the best child is the one that stays nearby and doesn’t have ambition. She’s actually said she’s jealous of friends who have ‘unambitious’ daughters! She’s actually said never worked, we lived in poverty and she takes anyone who lives differently to that as a personal insult.

i am very low contact with her, my brother barely bothers with me, I have no relationship with his kids as my mum ensured that never happened, ditto his partner, who ironically no longer speaks to my mum!

Oh I can sing that song. You making different choices somehow insults their choices.

Anything I do that my mother did differently isn't an choice it's an attack.