Aunty by marriage

[Newmum738]

This probably isn't the right thread but here goes!

I'm an aunty by marriage but our older nieces and nephews don't see it that way and I don't think my DH does either.

DH has some strange views about family and it makes me feel excluded. Early. Our relationship, we saw the family at Christmas and I bought a small gift each for the children and he was very annoyed.

I feel like he is the barrier to good relationships for me with his family and I feel resentful about that.

I have difficult family situation so I'd like to feel secure in his but 10 years in and I think there is no chance of that.

AIBU to think that this is awkward?

My nieces and nephews on my husbands side I treat the same as the nieces and nephews on my side - and vice versa
we are all very much family is family it doesn’t matter.

I'll give you some background from our family, because with older ones I think it can be complicated. The many little ones on both sides were all born since we got together, and we both see them equally as much loved nieces and nephews. Then we have 2 adult one side and 1 adult / 1 near adult the other (those two were present mostly only EOW since divorce). I love them all and DH adores one on my side (similar humour), but although he is kind in person he isn't much fussed by any of the 3 others and will comment to me about their lack of effort with DS (as though most teenagers / young adults are ever that fussed to see little cousins!). Largely I think it's because he hasn't spent much time with any of them, but even in person I think I feel closer to the two on his side than he does.

So... I do think their age when you arrived makes a difference and any little ones would just see you as an auntie, but it's often harder with older ones. With the older ones, you can keep putting in effort and hopefully it'll come back your way eventually, but be prepared that it may be spiky, where you might only ever be close to one or two of them.

I'm sorry your own family is difficult. Tell your DH that you'd just like his support on this regardless of how he or the kids feel, if he loves you then that should be enough for him to make effort.

Thanks both for sharing! We don't see any of them that much and I find it difficult because DH manages the contact. I might see if I can get him to set up a WhatsApp group or something which would help. We haven't had much chance to build relationships and my insecurities make it extra difficult. I'm lucky that the nephew we had over today is so lovely and makes an effort with everyone. They are mostly boys too so another difficulty there! In the new year, I'll talk to DH about it because he probably isn't very aware of at all! They are all really good with the younger ones too and make a good effort to spend time with them at their level! I guess I need to be a bit more thankful for what we have got!

I like to tell people that I have a 'new' nephew (the adult child of my sibling's new spouse). My new nephew is also pleased to have a new aunty.

It's a real shame your husband doesn't want to seem to include you in his family. Like a PP said, it doesn't matter. Some relatives are related through blood and some through new partnerships.

Are your nephews/nieces close to your husband? If not, it might explain why they're not bothered.

You've been together 10 years. In all that time have you never discussed why he had an issue and is so territorial? Does he not have much to do with them so doesn't want you to? Does he not want you to set a precedent he isn't willing to follow through on? I can't imagine not raising this as an issue much sooner.

I've been with my dh the same length of time and bil's children are my nieces and nephews in the same way my sisters kids are. I spend similarly on them and play with them.

My auntie's been married for 30 years (since I was 10) and I don't call her husband Uncle X and never have. I wouldn't ever contact him directly either. My relationship is with my auntie.

I've been with my DH 18 years. Only married for two. I have seven nieces and nephews, all on his side. Eldest was born when I had been on the scene for 5 years. I've always been auntie lost, even before we were married. If my brother ever procreates he'll automatically be uncle mrlost. Anything else is just weird.

Are you referring to nieces and nephews by a second marriage? I'm in this group.

Really, drop the rope here. Send gifts as you like. Ignore your husband and definitely don't look to his response. Moderate gifts with no expectations are lovely. WhatsApp groups are less so. Be cool OP. Let this stuff slide off.

I have a lovely uncle.... because he married my Mum's sister when I was 6. I also have "sort of" cousins who are actually no relation: their Mum's sister was my Dad's first wife. She died when the two eldest "cousins" were toddlers, but even the one who was born after that called him "Uncle Pete", and my siblings and I called their parents "Auntie Mary and Uncle John". So it is what you make of it..... You can never have too many Aunties and Uncles who take an interest in you, so go ahead and try and forge your relationship with them.

We are aunty & uncle to both sides of the family, no differentiation between whether it’s marriage or not.
same when I was growing up too.

Uncle and Auntie are equal titles whether blood or not.
My children were 10 and 7 when my one brother married his wife instantly became their auntie.

There are no nieces or nephews on my husband’s side, but he definitely considers himself an uncle to mine. We’ve never used the term aunt or uncle in my family, just first names.

I'm closer to my (now) exH's nieces and nephews than he is. All that generation are now adults and I am as much in their lives as I was when married to their "blood" uncle - went to Nephew's wedding recently, ex was invited but declined. He's just not that bothered about keeping contact with them, but our DC are close to their cousins so it's natural for me to be part of that.

I hope to have great relationships with my partners half sisters kids, not met them yet as they aren't close, and live a ways away, but i do all the present buying for christmas etc.

How old are they? My Uncle married when I was late teens and while I get on really well with his wife, she’s not my Aunty and we don’t have the same relationship as I have with my actual Aunties (both blood and by marriage) who’ve always been in my life.

The present thing is strange though because surely any gifts would be from both of you.

My only 'Auntie' is an auntie via marriage. Father's, brothers wife. Married my uncle long before I was born. She has been an absolutely wonderful Auntie to me, my sister and now my own two children. We always spent a lot of time together when we were children and still are in regular contact - what's app, visits now.

My husbands brother has just had a baby and I consider her my niece. I would have thought your DH would be pleased you wanted to have a relationship with the children, think he is being a little odd x

I'm not understanding the problem here. I'd expect my husband to be the primary contact of older nieces and nephews on his side and to be organising the presents? I'd be more than a bit surprised if he set up a whatsApp group with my sisters children or started buying gifts without us discussing first.

Err I'm 56 and prefer some of my aunty and uncle by marriages to their (blood kin) spouses
I have also told mil that even if my dw wasn't around I'd still visit her if she went in a home (wife's sister's husband never visited his own mother, the cunt)
My wife brothers kids are my niece's, their kids are also mine...one niece had a (fairly) new partner who's parents didn't want him, kicked him out at 16. He's mine too

family you can actually choose. Most of my large (almost 50 first cousins) I don't choose

My niece buys my partner cards with Uncle on them because she doesn't have any Uncles. She asked him if she could call him her Uncle when she was about 5 years old. She doesn't call him Uncle though.

I believe the official definition of Uncle or Aunt is a parent’s sibling or the spouse of a parent’s sibling.
So blood or marriage doesn’t matter status is equal.

@ByHeartyCyanMentor this is what I mean really - I am their aunty because I'm married to their uncle - it's a fact not a choice. I think it's just a bit strange because they were older already and they weren't at the wedding (we eloped!). We don't see them much and Dh's views on family are a bit odd anyway! It's just one of those things I guess.

I have a relationship with all my nieces and nephews on both sides, but I'm much closer to my 'blood' ones and wouldn't contact the others naturally and my dh deals with all their birthday/ Xmas presents, as I do with my side.

Unfortunately my husband has no blood nieces or nephews so all of mine are also his . He's known them all from birth and treats them the same as I do .

Realistically, it was very unlikely you’d have a close bond with them if they were older when you married and most importantly, your DH (their Uncle by blood) barely has a relationship with them. I’m not sure why you ever thought it would be different.

It may be a “fact” that you’re their Aunt by marriage but that doesn’t mean they’ll want a relationship with you, especially if they don’t have one with their Uncle, and you’re not entitled to it either.

@unlikelywitch yes, I don't disagree with that. I was responding to the pp who had also said that marriage to an aunty or uncle makes you and aunty or uncle. My nieces and nephews are grown up and they will never call my husband uncle either! I just feel sad about it really.