I bought you a present for my favourite charity

[HoppityBun]

I’ve been sent a message saying that a family member has bought a virtual present / given a donation for what is the charity of their choice, not any charity or cause I personally support or that means anything to me.

Istm that if someone wants to give to a charity they support that’s up to them. Fine. But by what mental contortion is it anything I should thank them for?

YABU - if they want to give to their charity and say that’s in lieu of a gift to you that’s up to them

YANBU - if they want to give to a charity in lieu of giving something to you, the least they could do is give to a cause that matters to you.

I was gifted a donation for secret santa. Perfect gift. Christmas is literally aboit giving, and it should be to people less fortunate than you. Does it matter that you wouldn't have picked them? Take it in the spirit it was intended.

People support charities for a number of reasons and usually because they represent something personal to them. If it’s a charity with which you have no affinity, then it’s not unreasonable to be irritated that someone else’s preferences have been pushed on to you, under the guise of a gift. It’s not a gift to you, it’s a charitable donation.

I think it’s fine but it depends on how you feel about the charity that has been chosen.

If they donate to one they know you support then that is thoughtful.

Does it matter that you wouldn't have picked them? Take it in the spirit it was intended.

Of course it does-there's not connection to the OP if it's not even a charity of her choice.

Do you exchange presents with this person? If so, why not do the same and donate to a charity of YOUR choice. Then it's win win for charities.
But I do agree with you, it's not a gift to you if it's not something dear to you. I can see sponsoring a specific animal and getting newsletters as potentially different if you like the animals concerned but I'm guessing it's not that.

I find it very odd. The recipient should be able to ask for a donation to go to a charity of choice. The giver donating is in no way a gift to a friend.

Reminds me of the Friends episode where Chandler gives his Tulsa colleagues a donation to the New York City Ballet.

Seriously, this behaviour is affected and self-centred. If you don’t want to buy someone yet another candle or box of Lindt, fair enough, it’s probably quite sensible in fact. But just say you’re not exchangjng presents this year. And donate to charity if you wish.

What I would do is send a message along the lines of; ok, let’s not bother buying for each other next year.
If they want to support this charity, then they should ask for it as their present. I’m certain posters thinking it’s fine would not appreciate it if their DCs received this as their presents.

It's so narcissistic 😆

Ex MIL once bought us a 'brick' that was our Xmas present donation for this Buddhist temple being built somewhere in Scotland. She was allegedly a Buddhist. We are both atheists. Hilarious. 💩

Yeah that’s just weird, I agree OP. I don’t like that charitable donation - something that most of us have done in years for private - becomes this big, odd thing on Christmas that is put on other people. Eg. “I’ve donated to a charity rather than send you a Christmas card / present” - fine, donate to the charity all you want, most of us donate to charity, and equally don’t send me a card or buy me a present if you don’t want to, but the two are unlinked.

Don't do that! At worst this is presumably something they thought the recipient would appreciate. It's like getting a present you haven't specifically chosen, that turns out to be an ill-judged one.

Why is it always...You will not receive something because I spent the money else where.
Do you buy this person a Christmas gift ?
Would it not be more thoughful for her to say to friends /family please don't get me a gift this year please donate to my chosen charity.

Remember my son being invited to a party.
I asked the mother what he child would like as a gift and she told me.
So all parents turn up with some lovely gifts.
When party is over mother announces sorry no party bags Jessica wanted all the money to go to an animal charity,such a kind thoughtful girl etc

I just thought wouldn't it have been more thoughtful to say no gifts please send some money to this charity.

Of course it matters! A gift is about the recipient

It’s also performative imo. Like announcing on social media that you’re not sending cards. No problem with that, but it surely doesn’t have to be announced.

I would be very annoyed if someone did that and gave money to their favourite charity and it was one whose values I don’t agree with.

Of course it matters that the cause should be important to you . YANBU

I think this when people say they're donating to a charity instead of sending Christmas cards. Fine if you don't want to send Christmas cards, I understand why some people think they're wasteful, but will you also be foregoing your roast dinner and Christmas decorations and festive drinks to donate to a charity? More often than not people just donate in lieu of being generous to others, not in lieu of indulging themselves.

Virtue signalling . The giver should just suggest that they dont swap presents that year and donate the money they would have spent on the charity.

The receiver has missed out on a gift, to benefit a charity they dont particularly support and the giver gets to feel all virtuous without actually giving anything up themselves and likely receive a gift in return

Thanks all. We exchange cards but haven’t given each other presents for years. He was quite critical of me and rather rude earlier in the year about me. So perhaps this is a sort of peace offering. But I support several charities and he knows what is close to my heart: this charity isn’t one of them. I like the idea of doing that back to him, but that might not be a good idea, for various reasons. I don’t know if I should thank him, but I’m inclined not to.

It’s not that I don’t agree with the values of the charity, I’m just indifferent.

I would be very annoyed about a donation to certain charities, indifferent about others, happy about a few. It's unreasonable for someone to choose for you.

Thoughtless but well meaning or passive aggressive and performative - difficult to say. It’s not really for you or about you or in your name or with your blessing so hardly in the spirit of giving. You can only console yourself that at least a random cause is benefitting so there is a positive.

I would be very tempted to entirely ignore it and not give them the opportunity to bask in the gesture by sanctimoniously justifying it.

Based on your update, defo respond with a donation to your favourite charity.

In my family we each choose our own charity to donate to instead of buying each other gifts. I really don't mind if a family member gives to their own chosen charity. Their money, their choice. Possibly they don't like my nominated charity, but I don't expect them to be offended by it. Merry Christmas.

Agreed. And when this announcement is usually made on the 22nd or 23rd December thus ensuring they still get cards from other people who might hesitate to send them if they knew their effort isint to be reciprocated. Anybody ever make these plans known on 1st December? Nope.

I think if it's the recipient's idea then great.
Or if it's planned in advance in a sense of "we aren't buying gift's this year, but will be donating to x charity instead" that's fine. It gives the recipient the option to do the same.
But to drop it so close to the day, it's a bit shit.

I was "gifted" a donation to an animal charity for my 18th birthday. Which was all well and good but I was living in a hostel and couldn't afford clothes or food. So I would have really benefited the £20 in cash instead.