I bought you a present for my favourite charity

[HoppityBun]

I’ve been sent a message saying that a family member has bought a virtual present / given a donation for what is the charity of their choice, not any charity or cause I personally support or that means anything to me.

Istm that if someone wants to give to a charity they support that’s up to them. Fine. But by what mental contortion is it anything I should thank them for?

YABU - if they want to give to their charity and say that’s in lieu of a gift to you that’s up to them

YANBU - if they want to give to a charity in lieu of giving something to you, the least they could do is give to a cause that matters to you.

Thank you everybody. I’m taking it that he meant well. Actually years ago he did this after I’d sent him a present, several times, in fact. I’m putting it down to him just being odd, which does run in the family.

I am not offended, as some suggest, I just feel manipulated into being grateful but I’m not sure for what.

Yeah, he did that too! Was it Oxfam? I got a couple of plastic chickens in the post.

If someone wants to do this, they should announce in advance that they would prefer not to exchange gifts because they have chosen to focus on charitable giving instead. The person who would have given them a gift can choose to save the money or donate to a charity of their choice. The original person makes their donation.

what shouldn’t happen is making a donation and pretending it is a gift for someone else. Unless you know it is a charity that person cares about, it does not count as a gift.

But op doesn't support this charity, that's her entire point? 🙄

Its a good point, people often suggest charity donations as a present but unless someone actually particularly cares about saving donkeys or whatever its more virtue signalling for the giver than a present for the receiver.

There are lots of controversies behind different charities which means it could potentially even be offensive to the recipient to think money had been donated in their name.

A friend of mine told me he’s donating to charity instead and I don’t mind at all because he doesn’t have much money and I know it means a lot to him to donate. I can’t remember if he told me what charity. I sent him a card because I wanted to send him a letter too, plus I’ve a feeling he’d appreciate the card.

I once bought an oxfam toilet for a secret Santa for someone who constantly (and rightly so) badgered management for more toilets for staff. They loved it.

What a brilliant idea! Last minute panic gift!

All those saying it’s kind. Imagine someone saying they had gifted to a charity you didn’t support in your name? One springs to mind for me immediately.

The receiver has missed out on a gift, to benefit a charity they dont particularly support and the giver gets to feel all virtuous without actually giving anything up themselves and likely receive a gift in return

That, exactly.

It's for a prospective recipient to ask for a charity donation and their gift. Not for the giver to decide. That's entirely illogical

I had similar. I got a donkey from sil. Dh and I were sofa surfing at the time and homeless. I have huge issues re this sort of gift now.

I’ve had some really thoughtful and meaningful charity gifts over the years but very occasionally one to a charity I’m not remotely interested in.

Like getting a cat person a Dog’s Trust donation.

Of course it matters!

A charitable donation could be a thoughtful gift but only if it's to a charity the recipient cares about. Otherwise the giver has essentially bought themselves something, no different to giving your partner two non refundable, non exchangeable tickets to a concert you want to go to and they don't.

Some charities are controversial - a religious charity for an atheist or member of a different religion for example, but there are plenty of causes that arguably do more harm than good and some people would actively prefer not to give to. Just as legitimate is choosing an animal charity for an animal lover who isn't keen on children and vice versa!

It definitely matters unless you're someone who thinks the gift is all about the giver and recipients are completely interchangeable (some people really do think this, the people who say "I always give [books/ flowers/ theatre tickets/ Amazon vouchers/experience gifts, whatever]" with no consideration at all for what the recipient wants/ needs/ likes/ cares about/ already has or has done!

Wait... aside from any other issues, she gave you ONE brick? Was it a commemorative one made of brass or something, or literally a standard red brick that you can buy for less than 50p?!

You should have returned the favour by giving her a packet of crisps the following year - same kind of value!

Not a chance I would be thanking someone for such a self serving gift.

I have a friend whom always has a huge amount of selection boxes she gifts to people who pull out the last minute shit gift.
She hands them over with a big smile as she has been caught out before by two mean aunts and their children.

I agree. I've always thought it was a really odd thing to do. I run a local pantry and if somone gave us a donation in lieu of my Christmas present I'd be made up but thats a bit different.

This is plain and simple virtue signalling - unless the recipient specifically asks for it or is fanatical about the cause and you are certain they will love it. Choosing your own charity just makes it worse - especially if it's one they would actively not support.

Why on earth would anybody else be happy about it? Some people even do it 'on behalf of' children - I can see it if you're giving them a huge pile of presents and then you also suggest remembering a child who is much less privileged than them with a thoughtful gift as well; but as their main/only gift?!

Incidentally, how does this work? Does the 'giver' also pass on your details to the charity, so they can send you a thank you card for being forced to hand them your present - and then do they use it to send you, as a ' keen supporter', endless begging letters? Lovely gift! That would leave me angry all year, especially if it was a charity to whose core aims/beliefs/actions I stand very much opposed.

The exact same thing happened to me, and I had the exact same thought as you! I support a few small charities close to my heart (which I’ve told them about) so a donation to one of those would have made me really happy - but they chose to donate to something entirely different! It’s great that they’ve made a generous donation to a cause they obviously consider worthier, but I’m not sure how it equates to a Christmas present for me really!

@cleanasawhistle
Yes, that was rude, and also the virtue signaling was extremely cringeworthy.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · Today 17:30

Christmas is literally aboit giving, and it should be to people less fortunate than you.

Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Christ. People may celebrate it as a secular holiday but there isn’t a uniform way to celebrate. It isn’t about giving particularly, and even if it is about giving, who are you to decide who should be given to? Of course, the OP isn’t entitled to receive gifts, which is just as well because her family member hasn’t given her a gift. Donating to charity is a good thing. Just don’t call it a gift for someone else.

I think it was like a symbolic brick...maybe...ten quid donation. She would have got us something else as well I think, but we just found it weird.

She also one year asked for a gift worth a hundred quid ISH and then gifted exh, her son, about £30 cash. 😆