DD and presents from her dad

[Mobley52]

DD is 12 and hasn't seen her dad since she was 6. His choice - he has a new wife who has made it clear she doesn't want him to have any involvement with dd. He doesn't pay maintenance.

For the last few years he's started sending her present at Christmas and birthday.

It usually upsets her as it reminds her of her dad.

His Christmas present has just arrived. I'm considering intercepting the presents and not giving them to her to avoid upset - AIBU?

YANBU but please claim maintenance.

Wow! What a charmer.

If it upsets her I think I would intercept…perhaps if it’s something she’ll like then say it’s from Santa…

She is 12 so you should give her the choice to accept the presents or not.

You should be seeking maintenance though.

If they upset her, then yes, I would open them and see what they are and then ask her if she wants them, if she doesn’t, then donate them elsewhere. Why does your ex not pay maintenance, have you tried going through CMS

She's twelve though 😂

But good idea to still give it to her under a different guise.

If it's something she would like, I'd rewrap it and say it's from myself, in lieu of any maintenance as you'd spend maintenance on extra presents. Otherwise sell it on eBay and just give her the money one day as a treat from you.

At 12 she is old enough to make her own choice. I think you should tell her and ask her what she wants tondonabiut it.

But why does he not pay maintenance? That is ridiculous.

At 12 I would ask her rather than just “disappear” the presents. I understand they upset her but they’ve been coming for a few years so if she suddenly gets nothing, with no explanation, she might translate that in her own head to mean he’s no longer even giving her the slightest thought and it could make her feel even worse. I think she needs to feel like it’s her choice.

How upset is upset? If it won't ruin tomorrow for her you could give them to her now to open today, and then distract her with Christmas prep and nice things.

If it (understandably) would upset her for longer than that I'd consider keeping them back for a week or so. They can be lost in the post, plenty is at this time of year.

I agree. When she gets older she may very well be in contact with him, and if they discuss the history of their relationship you need to have been honest so she's not on the back foot.

Instead of not giving them to her. Why not change the tags to santa each year. Even if she is past believing. Make these the only santa presents. Then in years to come you can tell her that he still sent them. Reality is though if you don't give her them it may upset her more thinking he forgot about her all together. Alternatively tell him to stop sending them or start making time for her. Advise that either his child is important enough to put before his relationship or he doesn't care and should sod off completely. Either way start claiming maintenance.

If you hide them, there is a good chance she will blame you when she is older. She could see it as you stopping her from contact, even though it's not true. Have a conversation about what she would like to happen and offer options.

Whilst they upset her it might upset her more if the minor token gesture her dad makes suddenly stops again and she later finds out that was your doing.

She’s old enough now to have a conversation along the lines of “I can see and understand it’s upsetting for you so shall we choose a different far to open your dad’s gifts” let her talk about how she feels.

As other have said, chase him for maintenance!

You need to claim maintenance. If you don't need it, put it in a bank account for your daughter.

I would give her it but after Christmas. I think she should be giving the choice to open it if she wants but I wouldn’t upset her on Christmas.

dont let her not have them, take the tags off them and say they're from santa, her dad is invisible the rest of the year anyway!!

Talk to her about it. She’s 12, she’s old enough to have some say in this.

I've been in almost the exact same situation (although he hasn't bothered at all for the last few years).

I kept it aside until a few days after Christmas, and then told my dc that their dad sent them something and asked if they would like it. They are all older now and appreciated that I didn't let it impact their Xmas and that I gave them a choice.

My children don't have any direct contact with their father and he sends presents . We open them on a different day, before xmas or birthdays, so they don't have to think about him on the special day. I do give them the option of not receiving the presents but it's hard for kids to turn presents down and this option works well.

Give it her after Xmas so it doesn't ruin the main day

Definitely don't hide them but yes, open them after.

Give it to her a few days later - but let her choose if she wants to open it or donate it.

She will think of him whether a present arrives or not!

Just ensure that she's not even more upset by not getting a present. She may think he's forgotten her completely.

Claim the maintenance, please. I didn’t for four years out of pride for my own independence. But it’s not about that. It’s not about us. Our DC deserve the best chance and start and to be provided for by both parents. Why should she miss out ?

Present wise I agree it should be up to her, as difficult a conversation as that is.

So you intercept them then she gets a little older and finds out what you have done do you really think that will end well?

Why is she not old enough to make her own decision on this?

Claim maintenance. Your DD deserves support from both her parents. That money could build up until she's 18 if you don't need it, and come in useful for university expenses or towards a property deposit.

On the presents thing, I think she's old enough that you should be open with her.