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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD and presents from her dad

47 replies

Mobley52 · 24/12/2024 09:28

DD is 12 and hasn't seen her dad since she was 6. His choice - he has a new wife who has made it clear she doesn't want him to have any involvement with dd. He doesn't pay maintenance.

For the last few years he's started sending her present at Christmas and birthday.

It usually upsets her as it reminds her of her dad.

His Christmas present has just arrived. I'm considering intercepting the presents and not giving them to her to avoid upset - AIBU?

OP posts:
Autumndayz77 · 24/12/2024 10:43

I would keep them until Boxing Day and ask her what she wants to do this year and going forward.

please put in a claim via cms for maintenance- you won’t even have to speak to him!

TheFormidableMrsC · 24/12/2024 10:48

God they're such scumbags. Identical thing happened to me, OW wanted rid of our son (who was 2.5 at the time, and disabled!). They make you sick to the stomach. For a while there were big displays of expensive gifts, normally left on the doorstep as he wasn't allowed contact with me. Haven't heard a thing in 4 years.

I'm afraid I would re-wrap and either pretend they're from you or ask somebody else to "own" them. Or you could donate to a refuge maybe?

Also, PLEASE go to the CMS and claim maintenance. The wicked bastards should at least be held to account with that.

Butchyrestingface · 24/12/2024 10:52

I'd flog it on Vinted or Depop and give her the money.

She's not getting the benefit of maintenance from him so ...

KrisAkabusi · 24/12/2024 10:53

No. At 12 she's old enough to have a conversation about it. You can't make big decisions like that without her input.

Maddy70 · 24/12/2024 10:54

Berthatydfil · 24/12/2024 09:32

She is 12 so you should give her the choice to accept the presents or not.

You should be seeking maintenance though.

This

PullTheBricksDown · 24/12/2024 10:58

I would send a message to him, by whatever means that meant he'd definitely get it, telling him that the presents upset her, so either he should step up and actually be a dad to her, or at least accept that he's a coward who has denied his child contact with him for an easier life. He's assuaging his conscience by sending them. Why should he get to do that and think he's made it all OK?

ChristmasinBrighton · 24/12/2024 11:01

Why aren’t you claiming the money your DD is entitled to? You could put it in a savings account and put it towards uni or housing costs. Not really ok to deprive her of it.

Re the present, won’t she now be more upset if she doesn’t get one?

Original poster
Mobley52 · 24/12/2024 11:07

Thanks all.

I think having a conversation with her is a good way forward.

For those asking about why I haven't claimed maintenance - we split up when dd was 3 and from the ages to 3 to 6 he was in and out but constantly letting her down. He'd make plans then not stick to them or I wouldn't hear from him for weeks on end so dd would never know if she was seeing her dad or not. This was really unsettling for her so when he disappeared for good I guess I was relieved as him consistently not being there seemed more stable for dd. At the time I didn't want to contact him about maintenance as I didn't want to risk him then saying he wanted to see her and then disappear again. So I just never did.

He owns his own business so I'm not sure now if I'd be able to put a claim in without having to speak to him directly

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 24/12/2024 11:10

All you need to put a claim in is his address, you do not need to speak to him. They do everything. He’s got away without contributing long enough and it should end now. Doesn’t matter if he’s in her life every day or never at all, maintenance is his basic requirement as her father.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 24/12/2024 11:12

Mobley52 · 24/12/2024 11:07

Thanks all.

I think having a conversation with her is a good way forward.

For those asking about why I haven't claimed maintenance - we split up when dd was 3 and from the ages to 3 to 6 he was in and out but constantly letting her down. He'd make plans then not stick to them or I wouldn't hear from him for weeks on end so dd would never know if she was seeing her dad or not. This was really unsettling for her so when he disappeared for good I guess I was relieved as him consistently not being there seemed more stable for dd. At the time I didn't want to contact him about maintenance as I didn't want to risk him then saying he wanted to see her and then disappear again. So I just never did.

He owns his own business so I'm not sure now if I'd be able to put a claim in without having to speak to him directly

Yes you can, just contact child maintenence and they will deal with everything, there's no need for contact between you at all.

With having his own business he could, potentially, hide money, but you're not going to be worse off than you are now anyway.

TheFormidableMrsC · 24/12/2024 11:24

MissDoubleU · 24/12/2024 11:10

All you need to put a claim in is his address, you do not need to speak to him. They do everything. He’s got away without contributing long enough and it should end now. Doesn’t matter if he’s in her life every day or never at all, maintenance is his basic requirement as her father.

100% THIS! The cheeky bastard! Just do it. It'll be based on last year's accounts anyway, so you'll at least get something. What a shit of a man and her too. I don't know how these people sleep at night.

Wonderi · 24/12/2024 11:26

It usually upsets her as it reminds her of her dad.

She will be thinking of her dad most days.

She doesn’t just forget about him because he’s not involved.

I would absolutely be giving her the presents.

If he doesn’t send her anything, then it confirms that he doesn’t think about her and doesn’t love her, which is an awful thing for a child.

Receiving presents means he’s thinking about her and loves her, which is all we want our children to believe.

It would be very cruel to not give them to her.

If they upset her, then give them to her in the evening or on boxing day like a PP suggested.

Jezabelle85 · 24/12/2024 11:38

TheMethodicalMeerkat · 24/12/2024 09:39

At 12 I would ask her rather than just “disappear” the presents. I understand they upset her but they’ve been coming for a few years so if she suddenly gets nothing, with no explanation, she might translate that in her own head to mean he’s no longer even giving her the slightest thought and it could make her feel even worse. I think she needs to feel like it’s her choice.

I agree with this.

noworklifebalance · 24/12/2024 11:43

Don’t hide the presents from her - they are not yours to do so and it may cause conflict between you and her in the future. It upsets her to get the gift but it may upset her more if she thinks he has stopped or forgotten about her. Separate his gift from the day itself.

MollyButton · 24/12/2024 12:05

As a child of an estranged father. I wouldn't hide the tags or any of those other ideas.
As it's now Christmas Eve I might put it away until after Christmas. But then I would bring it out and have a conversation with her about what she'd like you to do in future. Tell her he is allowed to be upset or angry or just sad about her Dad, and also let her talk to you about him without judgement or you getting upset.
As the presents, does she want: a) to deal with them early, b) on the day, c) late, or d) you to put them away until she is ready to deal with them (even if years from now).

vivainsomnia · 24/12/2024 12:09

Does she want contact now? Is it the presents or the no contact that upset her? She might be old enough to make contact with him and see if he might be willing to try again. A lot can changed in 6 years.

caringcarer · 24/12/2024 13:30

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 24/12/2024 09:55

You need to claim maintenance. If you don't need it, put it in a bank account for your daughter.

This. Do this immediately it's not fair on your DD not to.

MajorCarolDanvers · 24/12/2024 13:40

At 12 ask her what she would prefer.

but bloody hell get a claim going for maintenance. What an arsehole.

FoxtonFoxton · 24/12/2024 13:50

I'd also ask what she would like to do. She's old enough to make the choice. Say to her if she wants time to think you can put them away out of sight for now.
Agree with everyone saying to put that claim in, even if it's a pittance you receive (or nothing). He's probably at home thinking he's dad of the year and so hard done by for bunging a few gifts in the post every Christmas. He's a cunt.

ridingfreely · 24/12/2024 13:57

Toxic MIL here. We always remove the tag saying who the presents are from and just add them to her pile, that way we can hand on heart say we never denied our DD her gifts - we just elaborate on where they came from

arcticpandas · 24/12/2024 14:02

@Mobley52 Put in a claim with CMS, they will deal with it. The money you don't claim is money you are denying your daughter. I get your thinking but now she's older so please ho ahead.

NoRainPlease · 10/05/2025 22:17

How did you find out OP? I presume DD wouldn't have been allowed in a casino.

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