To not invite mum to my graduation

[Frazzledmum77]

I’m 48 and completed my (first) MSc in April, 25 years after Bachelors degree. Graduation is in April and I’ve been selected for a prize so get a 3 course dinner afterwards with max 2 guests. Was wavering on the dinner as none of my friends from the course will be there (only one prize per subject), but decided in the end too exciting not to go and get the prize. Also have the option of additional meet the tutors event (very tightly) sandwiched between graduation and prize giving and in a different location. In other words it’s already a very busy and potentially logistically challenging day.

I’ve had a lot of comments from friends about not inviting my children (15 and 13) but have stood my ground on this. It’s a school day, won’t be much fun for teens and I don’t want any extra drama. When the dinner invite came through it was the deciding factor as I can only bring 2 guests so DH and one other. Not going to choose between my kids so not bringing either. I still get comments from friends though.

Now all of a sudden my mum (75) is angling to come. She pushed quite hard for it out of nowhere. I was really surprised and taken aback. She was pleased about the prize (although it led to a long story about how she once got a prize but never told us, she does tend to make things about herself) but honestly if you asked her what I was studying she wouldn’t be able to tell you. She lives 200 miles away, and is financially dependent on me and DH. She could make it to the graduation by train but couldn’t get home again as too far so would also end up staying the night. Which would ruin the romantic hotel booking DH and I have made.

My BFF appears to be on Mum’s side. I just don’t get it - I’m middle aged, paid for the MSc myself, the only person other than my classmates who supported me was DH by picking up the slack when I was studying. As far as I’m concerned he’s the only family member who deserves a ticket. Am I a cold hearted cow? I know plenty of others will bring parents and kids and good for them. But I wanted the day to be about me and my friends from the course and not managing diva family members. Now feeling very guilty though.

I should add - mum (and dad) of course came to first graduation! But that to me was very different, a long time ago.

Is your mum very proud of you? She may not know what your MSc was about, but she knows that you now have one! My dad has no idea of the detail of my job, but he does tell everyone that I am 'important in publishing', because he knows that's the general area!
Of course, you know her best, but perhaps cut her some slack?
Is the event being live-streamed or anything like that? Or could your DH film it and send to her?

You're well into adulthood at this point, if I were you I'd be looking into why you're putting so much stock into the opinions of your mother and your friends.

"Sorry mum, we're actually away for the night straight after the dinner so won't be able to sort out your way home. We'll catch up another time."

Invite, or don't invite, who you want.

Yes I do think you are being cold hearted but I don’t know your relationship with your mum

To me my mum is as important to me as my DH so having them both there at such an event would be what I would want

Gosh you are acting like you have won an Oscar 🤣🤣🤣

Its not that deep!

Yes it will be live-streamed. Bit boring though - 2 hours of clapping and about 15 secs of me crossing the stage! But guests sit separately to graduates and DH will divorce me if he has to endure that 😂

Absolutely not, invite who you damn well please to celebrate your achievement. If you feel someone will pull focus or cause drama there is absolutely no reason to invite them. This isn’t your wedding you aren’t inviting her to. I imagine it’s a busy day and you just want to get on with it and enjoy it, not babysit.

The fact your friends are causing drama around it is only going to push you further to only want your husband there.

Take your husband to the meal and maybe the week after organise a separate meal/celebration with your mum, kids, husband.

This is the answer. The day of is very busy and full of formalities and sitting around. You don’t want to subject your children or DM to that, so a proper meal with everyone to celebrate and mark what you’ve done as a family sounds perfect.

That's a bit nasty.

Winning a prize for coming top of your class is quite an achievement and deserves to be celebrated.

OP - personally, I would invite as I would feel too guilty otherwise. However, the fact she can't get home and she can't afford a hotel herself (I'm assuming that as you said she is dependent on you) I think you would be perfectly reasonable not to invite her.

I would suggest getting her set up to watch the live streaming and arrange a lunch or something with her at a future date to celebrate. Just reinforce that there is no way for her to get home so unfortunately it's not logistically possible.

My BSc - my parents
First MSc - didn't have anyone i wanted to share with so didn't go
MA - took my husband. Decided my teen kids would be bored.
Second MSc - went by myself to catch up with coursemates.

All options are available. Do what makes you happy.

Wow, did you mean to be so rude?

Congratulations on your graduation OP. I would tell your mum that you and DH are making a little holiday of it and arrange to see her when you get back, show her photos etc and be regaled with the tale of her prize!

I went to my MSc graduation on my own, and not having to worry about children / husband / mother was such a nice break, I enjoyed it more than I would have done if I had to worry about anyone else. It’s really boring for guests I think. Do whatever you like. And huge congratulations on your degree and your prize. An amazing achievement.

Jealous of a stranger on the Internet... not a good look. Have a break.

I echo @OchonAgusOchonOh
Winning a prize for coming top of your class is quite an achievement and deserves to be celebrated.

OP, take DH, enjoy the day as you see it, don't listen to anyone telling you to take mum or the kids. Have an amazing day.

@Frazzledmum77 saying it’s going to be a bit boring is understatement of the year

When I went to my eldests graduation the boredom was off the scale!!!

I literally couldn’t wait to get out of there!!! I was not the only parent who thought this

If you were my DD id be avoiding the subject all together and praying you didn’t invite me

Congratulations on your masters! Sounds like a good occasion to celebrate with your DH and have a nice time together. Graduations don’t need to be an event for all the family, especially if you’ve been there done that before.

Congratulations on your Masters and especially on the prize!

I didn’t even go to my own graduation in order to avoid the complications of inviting/not inviting my parents.

So I don’t actually have a degree because in those days they didn’t do a ceremony in absentia unless you asked specifically, and I didn’t know you could.
It hasn’t held me back though..

I'd just go with husband. Too much hassle for a special day.

Wow you really do have no filter.

First the Oscar comment, now insinuating itll be boring.

Are you always so nasty, rude and negative?

I feel sorry for your kids. Yes, a graduation can be lengthy, but usually, attendees who triumph their relatives, who are filled with pride will have an amazing day, as it will be for OP.

That's a shitty comment, but I see that's your thing.

You know you don't have to bring other people down to make yourself feel good, right?

OP, well done on your achievement, I think I would probably just take DH and leave it at that.

This is what I am thinking - I will enjoy it a lot more without having to worry about anyone else’s needs. DH will happily muck in with whatever is going on. Mum and DD2 would not and would expect their specific requirements to be catered for. Mum is also a bit of a loose cannon conversationally after a drink or two which can cause offence. She will be able to complain to friends that she is not invited and get sympathy from them.

Didn’t even go to the first two so can’t comment. First one I was partying in a foreign country, second one I just CBA. Attended my MBA one as it had been a hard slog and I was proud of it. Took my exH, no one else. He had put up with the blood, sweat and tears, no one else. It’s no one’s business op, take who you like and don’t feel guilty, it should be all about you on the day, no one else.
And congrats btw!

I thought this was going to be the case from your first post. I suspect a friend has maybe said to her, oh why aren’t you going? Aren’t you invited? Which is why she has sudden interest in the first place. Don’t give her it. This is your event and you can do a family celebration at a more appropriate time.

When your friends achieve their own MSc and win a prize too, they can invite whoever they want. They don't get to tell you who you should invite. People get very weird about this kind of thing.

Sorry, didn't mean to quote anyone!