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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL gave heirlooms to favourite son

57 replies

Gpates · 23/12/2024 22:07

I'll try to be short.

Very recently found out that MIL gave all her family heirloom jewellery (quite valuable but more sentimental) to her other son (she has two sons, I'm married to her younger son).

She gave it to him 10 years ago, as he has two daughters and she said she never thought DH would get married or have kids as he was a 'bachelor'.

He was 25 at the time!

We met, married and have a daughter of our own now. AIBU to feel this is unfair?!

She has history of favouring BIL, DH is very hurt.

OP posts:
WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 24/12/2024 09:33

Gpates · 24/12/2024 07:13

Yes, DH does a lot for her - and she never asks his brother because she says he's far 'too busy to help'.

Truth is, he just wouldn't help unless there was something in it for him.

It's all come out now that he's sold a lot of the jewellery, it was valuable, after a family member visiting from overseas wanted to see it (one item in particular).

It's not about the money, I earn very well fortunately, but it's more about the heritage/narrative of the items, we'd have never sold the pieces, and poor DH feeling so disregarded.

We're supposed to have MIL over for Christmas but DH wants to uninvite her.

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@Gpates I thought as much its the way these things usually work. Your DH should defo univite her what she has done is hurtful and pretty clear how she views your DH don't put yourselves through if MIL asks why yiur DH should calmly tell her how hurt he is by her behaviour and leave it there and take a big step back from her no more help or jumping when she demands espscially when the fall out happens over the heirlooms keep well out of it let MIL explain herself to the family.

HopingForTheBest25 · 24/12/2024 09:36

O while people have the right to do what they want with their own possessions, and that's fair enough with things you've purchased yourself. But when you are talking about heirloom pieces, it's not quite that simple - sometimes a person is the keeper of an item rather than the owner. Does someone really have the right to dispose of things they inherited where there was an expectation from the original owner that it he passed down the line?

Okay, mil didn't sell anything, but where we are talking about items that are also culturally significant it's not unreasonable for both her children to expect equal and fair inheritance of those items. And that's before you even get into the awfulness of the whole golden child/scapegoat situation!

I don't know about uninviting mil - id he inclined to follow his wishes on this either way, but I do think your dh should definitely pull back from doing her favours and a very honest discussion needs to be had with both his mum and brother.

Catapultaway · 24/12/2024 09:39

Gpates · 24/12/2024 07:42

MIL was shocked that the items have mostly been sold, so I'm assuming she had no idea that would happen.

BIL isn't hard up but likes to spend - the monetary value would have far outweighed the sentimental value, for him.

The wider family don't know as yet - I suspect they'll not be happy the jewellery is gone, though.

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What a shit stirring petty family. Who told MIL knowing it might upset her? She gave it away, it wasn't hers anymore. And she gave it before you were on the scene so not sure why youre concerned... despite saying it's not about the money... it seems like it's about the money.

barbarahunter · 24/12/2024 09:41

Watch out OP, because one of these days MIL will become frail and need some help and if you're unlucky it may be left to you and DH to organise care. This is because golden children always leg it at the first hint that parents' needs may involve them.

TorroFerney · 24/12/2024 09:43

arcticpandas · 24/12/2024 07:52

He will feel even more hurt if he gets how miffed you are about it. Brush it off and tell him it doesn't matter. If Mil is favouring one son financially just make sure it counts in the heritage when she passes.

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So invalidate his feelings? How’s that going to help, agree don’t make it the topic of every conversation but agree that he’s allowed to feel how he feels and it’s I am sure not just about the stuff it will be how he’s been treated all his life.

arcticpandas · 24/12/2024 09:54

TorroFerney · 24/12/2024 09:43

So invalidate his feelings? How’s that going to help, agree don’t make it the topic of every conversation but agree that he’s allowed to feel how he feels and it’s I am sure not just about the stuff it will be how he’s been treated all his life.

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Something tells me the OP is more upset about these heirlooms not getting passed to her daughter than her dh. I mean he would have been upset when this happened 10 years ago otherwise..

Quitelikeit · 24/12/2024 09:56

Women like her disgust me. Stop pandering to her. Your dp will always be inferior in her eyes

Her will might be the final punch to his gut

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