MIL gave heirlooms to favourite son

[Gpates]

I'll try to be short.

Very recently found out that MIL gave all her family heirloom jewellery (quite valuable but more sentimental) to her other son (she has two sons, I'm married to her younger son).

She gave it to him 10 years ago, as he has two daughters and she said she never thought DH would get married or have kids as he was a 'bachelor'.

He was 25 at the time!

We met, married and have a daughter of our own now. AIBU to feel this is unfair?!

She has history of favouring BIL, DH is very hurt.

I understand this as my mum organised for my brother to have a very expensive family diamond ring as an engagement ring, myself and my sister weren’t offered anything at all.
Whilst it maybe none of my business it was incredibly hurtful at the time and felt like he was rewarded for being a boy.

He will feel even more hurt if he gets how miffed you are about it. Brush it off and tell him it doesn't matter. If Mil is favouring one son financially just make sure it counts in the heritage when she passes.

A friend of mine is a probate lawyer. He says that many of the disputes over family inheritance are started or stoked by in-laws. Who look like they’re being greedy and grasping.

If your husband wants to approach his mother support him in the background. But do not interfere.

Im not surprised, your poor DH. I hear you as a adult child of similar family dynamics. The disregarding of your Dh is what runs through all this, so sad 😔

and the impatience of MIL speaks volumes

its much more than about the material items, its what they represent and the passing down of that, all sorts of feelings and thoughts and placement of value that is not material.

my uncle followed me around at my mums funeral to tell me he was passing my grandads medal down the male family line to my sisters boy. I have a brother ffs!! Completely forgot him..

like a previous poster said it can destroy families. I guess its because who gets what translates to who is valued, cared for and loved, but in reality it doesn't, it signifies what kind of relatives you have and how they treat others and their loved ones, and will just be a repeat of how they treated them in life. So you can opt out..

i like the suggestion by pp of starting your own heirloom, yours and DHs by purchasing something for your daughters now, it would be empowering, rather than waiting for the value from mil that will never come if she stays how she is, which is likely. You will be passing diwn YOUR good parenting and love, not having to wait around to see if you will get a signal you are loved by parents who have been less than

i think it would be good for Dh to uninvite mil if he is abke to calmy tell her why and leave it at that

We're supposed to have MIL over for Christmas but DH wants to uninvite her.

That would be the nuclear option.

Especially since, as you say, MiL is shocked golden child has flogged the booty. She may be less inclined to favour him quite so openly in future.

I would not disinvite her for Christmas. It IS tomorrow. However, nowt wrong with your husband taking a step back and being less available for her in future. Let his brother do more of the heavy lifting (or not).

Absolutely uninvite her and your DH should stop doing a lot for her. This seems to be a common theme on Mumsnet, the favoured child getting all the financial support, help with grandkids etc and none of the responsibilities to help their parents in return while the unfavoured child gets nothing but all the expectations are on them to provide help to their parents.

We're supposed to have MIL over for Christmas but DH wants to uninvite her.

On Christmas Eve? Are you serious?

Let “do as you would be done by” be your guide and help your DH keep his self-esteem. Disinviting her, particularly at such short notice, is unkind. Does he love his mother and how would such a break affect your daughter’s relationship with her grandmother? Help him to rise above the situation. It’s over and done with.

I get your DH feeling the sting of the inequality, and he should potentially address that in a conversation with her. And definitely stop being so amenable and biddable. She clearly favours the elder son, and this will play out when she passes in the will I imagine, so he needs to create some psychological distance, or get therapy and examine why he does what he does and ensure it’s not for expectation of anything

However, she gave her things away - her choice. Your BIL sold them - his choice. Only marginally more toxic thinking she can’t do what she wants is thinking what BIL then did is wrong.

and this relative asking to see the piece of jewellery - who the hell gave them the right?!

It’s hurtful, I get it. On this website people generally favour withdrawing contact from family members in situations similar to this but I would recommend talking to her to clear the air - is he up for that?

Hopefully he’s prepared for the same treatment when his mother dies and her wishes are announced about her will.

One day you'll wake up and it will be standing at the end of your bed!

Why is she batty? Because she is not doing what you have decided she has too? Is it jealousy?

if your DH has a history of his DM treating him less favourably than his sibling, he needs to build some resilience and get used to it happening,

I'm going to sound unsympathetic now, but nothing is going to change by him being hurt by her, getting upset by her isn't going to change her behaviour so he either has to shrug it off and not let it bother him or go LC/NC if it gets him down.

Don't get involved, family dynamics are weird things and it's his situation to deal with not yours.

I never get these posters who fail to understand how hurtful the golden child/scapegoat family dynamics are.

YES!!!! A million times..I think perhaps it’s hard to relate to the hurt if it hasn’t happens to you. It’s so persuasive and builds up over years so becomes ma mouth

its like “don’t cry over spilt milk” if you haven’t ever had someone be beside you, you need to cry over spilt milk for a while and heal and THEN you can go forward.

im the scapegoat for my family, but not for me!!! Hoorah!! Looking forward to lovely xmas with family that I chose and who don’t let me down, aka, well chosen friends!

Correction / pervasive..although on reflection you do get persuaded your the scapegoat!

Well. If golden boy hadn't flogged it all, presumably there would have been scope for mil to do a little redistribution to include your daughter.
It was rash of her to hand stuff over before she knew she was going to have more grandkids, but the issue is really with the son who flogged it!

This is the sort of shit my mum used to do. Nothing you can do.

Coming from another angle here. It's easy to fall into the trap of appearing to favouritise one child because life is complicated.

My parents help my sibling out a lot more financially because he is less well off due to career choices.

It hurts but I've come to terms with it. I think in their mind it need to help him out but they don't have enough money to equal it out.

I realised a while ago that they are just muddling along in life like all of us - making wrong decisions along the way. I know they love us both.

But maybe some people realise different siblings have different needs because we are all different people, my siblings have had different help because they needed it more than me, me stamping my feet and complaining 'it's not fair' does not change the fact I am not a child and I am aware my parents have different relationships with my siblings because we are not one collective

Yes, sometimes parents nuance their support to reflect differing needs of their children. And sometimes it's not like that.

i don’t think you understand what’s being referred to. Which is ok, that’s a whole other post!

Exactly that. Our kids fall into two categories - half of them will never want for anything material, the other half will always struggle. Fortunately those who are better off understand that we target our help to the others.

And I agree different siblings have different needs